A Work In Progress

Fair warning, I didn’t have therapy today so I’m going to use this post as a surrogate.

 

Alright, this past week has been trying, confusing, upsetting, and any other adjectives you can tack on, most of which is my own fault. As I so often do, I have been overthinking things and searching for the worst possible reasons behind everything. I have said before I think things into a total mush which I then shape into something I can use to punish myself… It really is something I have to come to terms with, I’m just not sure how to do so yet.

There is also another issue, which is trying to take responsibility for the feelings of those around me. Thinking somehow it is my fault for any negative feelings anyone around me might be feeling. It is even worse when the people in question are loved ones.

This is something I spoke to A about and she pointed out a lot of this stems from my mother constantly seeking to blame me for anything and everything and making me feel as if I can never be good enough for praise of any type. I know this sounds almost Freudian, but it is also true.

I guess having lived so much of my life under a cloud of disappointment, both silent and spoken is a legacy I am still dealing with.

Then there is another issue, which she told me is all part of our “work in progress,” which is our relationship… 

I mentioned before, she is not comfortable with certain things, especially referring to me as Kira because in doing so she cannot see me as her husband… Yet such is a title I have long felt didn’t describe me. Not in the sense she, or most people, think of it. I am and wish to remain, her partner. For us to continue having a meaningful relationship… I just don’t think it can be in a traditional sense of marriage… This then leaves me, in my mind at least, in a form of limbo. If I cannot claim the title of husband, nor of wife, then what am I? 

I simply don’t know yet and it makes things difficult to say the least.

For A, she thinks of it in the same way as my relationship with the kids. I have told them over and over, no matter what, I am still “Dad.” I guess for her, no matter what I will be her “husband.” Unless I were to physically transition as well… 

This past week I slammed on the breaks, such as it were… again. I made no effort to present as other than male. It wasn’t a matter of punishing myself, but rather, of thinking if as someone pointed out, someone was going to get hurt; I would rather it be me… After all, I’m use to living in such a manner; I’ve done so for more years than I want to remember. I honestly didn’t think of in the terms of martyrdom, just as being something which I was use to. Not surprisingly, A didn’t see it the same way. As she said, trying to be something I’m not turns me into someone she doesn’t like very much and if it happened again she was going to beat some sense into me because she wasn’t going to put up with it.

So, after our talk there was no question but I am going to continue forward. The path ahead my not be more than a fuzzy outline lost in the fog of uncertainty, yet it the path I need to take. As for how we, A and I, deal with our relationship… well, one day at a time.

It is after all, a work in progress

What’s Under There?

I haven’t spoken too much about those things I need to feel more comfortable with myself and my appearance. I’m not sure why… maybe I’m a little embarrassed I need the help?

Anyway, I thought I would share some of my little secrets…

First off, a needed boost in the chest department.

Enhancers

Lingerie Solutions – Enhancers Silicone Bust Enlarging Bra Pads

I’m so glad A found these. They have made a real difference in my self confidence and comfort level.

They aren’t anything fancy such as the many breast forms out there, but they provide what I need and the cost was much more affordable,

From the Wal-Mart website:

Lingerie Solutions-Enhancers Bust Enlarging Silicone Bra Pads are push-up bra pads that allow you to accent your natural shape while giving you added push-up and cleavage. The bra pads are made with a 100 percent polyurethane covering and a 100 percent silicone interior. To use, simply insert these silicone bra enhancers into the bra pockets.Lingerie Solutions – Enhancers Silicone Bust Enlarging Bra Pads:100% polyurethane covering with 100% silicone interiorAccent your natural shape while giving you added push-up and cleavageSimply insert the enhancers into the bra pockets.

They are very comfortable and after awhile you forget they aren’t a part of you.

 

As Seen on TV Genie Bra XL, Black/Nude, 2-Pack (I think everything in Wal-Mart is “As Seen On TV” these days.)

Genie bra

From the Wal-Mart website:

Designed for comfort, support and style, this As Seen On TV Genie Bra XL makes a star-quality foundation for your wardrobe. Featuring a woven everlast comfort stretch fabric and form-fitting seamless construction, this 2-pack Black/Nude As Seen on TV Genie Bras will provide you with all-day comfort. The cups of this woven bra stretch to conform to your shape, and it has a magic pouch to slip in support pads for extra lift and coverage. The wide comfort-life band prevents rolling. With no wires or hooks, the As Seen on TV Genie Bra XL is machine washable and is designed to retain its shape through the wash.As Seen on TV Genie Bra XL, Black/Nude, 2-Pack:Woven everlast comfort stretch fabricForm-fitting seamless constructionCups stretch to conform to your shapeMagic pouch to slip in support pads for extra lift and coverageNo wires or hooksWide comfort-life band — no more rollingMachine washable — never loses shape.

 

And the real Tour de Force, which is in transit as we speak…

Underworks Rear and Hip Padded Brief

Underworks Padded Brief

From their website:

An instant derriere and rear enhancing brief that gives you a shapely and toned look in a “smooth and firm” spandex nylon that truly fits and feels smooth and flattering. Pads on rear and side are from a proprietary Underworks® exclusive mold that are perfectly formed to conform to your body while enhancing your shape and providing you with the curves you need so you look natural under anything you wear. No protruding pads, no unsightly lines, no unnatural hills and valleys, just a smooth blending of your body and a perfect enhancing partner. The enhance panty also flattens your tummy and features garter tabs. Pads are removable and washable. Made in U.S.A. of nylon and spandex smooth and firm fabric.

This should arrive by Friday.

 

One of the things I have had some difficulty with has been getting past some of my reservations regarding needing help with my physical presentation… In other words, there have been times when just ordering these things made me worry I was just a cross dresser with delusions of grander. In my head I know better, but sometimes my heart doesn’t listen…

 

I also know there are many women in the world who need and use the same products, yet it still leaves me with an uneasy feeling. Funny, when I really stop and think about it, even HRT would put me into an artificial state as it requires medical intervention… it isn’t “natural” which is what my I really want… but then, don’t we all?

Seriously, I have been told many times over the past several months I think too much. That I worry about things no one even thinks about and I suppose it’s true. Even without any of this I have been gendered as female more often than not. So maybe I am projecting my fears onto others…

On a similar note…

I have looked into voice lessons more than once and what I found interesting is the claim they can help you “pass” (THAT word again…) even over the phone which is really funny since most people assume I’m female when we speak. Even when I have to use my birth name, there is always that hint of disbelief while they speak to me… you know, that slight, are you serious? hesitation before they use a male pronoun. The other day I could tell the woman on the other end didn’t completely buy the idea she was speaking to a male. I even tried to roughen up my voice a little, but I don’t think it made an ounce of difference in her mind.

Well, getting this out has helped me to get out of my head as it were and now maybe I can let a little more of this go until I don’t even think of it. 

We’re Only Going This Way Once.

I’m sitting here waiting for a fresh pot of coffee to finish brewing. When it does, I am going to get the Bailey’s out and make an Irish coffee. I’m hoping it will sooth my sore throat since Vicks quit adding alcohol to Nyquil.

This seems to be the yearly punishment for being the parent of three boys. If there is an illness in the news, you can be your going to get it sooner than later.

Okay, enough of the pity party, coffee’s done and this seems little more than an average cold…

uumm Irish coffee….

Oh, where was I?

Yes, I caught a cold. Yesterday I was feeling lousy and half expecting to have caught one of the nastier flu bugs, which is why I took the easy way out and just posted music videos and then went to bed.

Oh, and because with the exception of Gary Numan, these were songs I had recently discovered and wanted to share, though I had planned to post one a day over an entire week instead of all at once… the best laid plans of mice and all that jazz….

I do hope people found something they liked.

One bad thing about being sick is I had to cancel my therapy appointment for this morning, I didn’t want to pass this along to anyone else, so it will be another week before I have another session scheduled. 

The truth is, nothing terrible has happened this week, which is sort of sad when I think about it and really shines a light on the way I use to measure my life not so long ago. I do have my little ups and down, but everyone has those… it’s… wait for it….

Normal!

OMG!

I am actually beginning to like the word.

Normal.

Normal!

I can even type it without cringing or wanting to spit as if I had tasted something foul…

BTW, tomorrow I probably won’t remember this post and even if I do I’ll blame it on the alcohol. (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!)

I’ll give you an example of what I’m talking about. At one point today I had one of those sneaky negative thoughts come along… “If it looks like a duck; if it walks like a duck; if it quacks like a duck, then it is probably a duck.”

If you can’t guess, this is a reference to how I see my gender issues from time to time. Before the would have begun a downward spiral of thoughts and emotions which fed on each other until I was so buried in my own head I couldn’t see daylight.

No now. Not today.

The thought was broken by what popped into my head… “except for the ugly duckling. Sometimes everyone gets it wrong.”

Living a double life in so many ways isn’t easy, no matter how noble the intentions. My time is broken up through out the day I often have little chance to do anything for myself before the kids start returning from school and while I know now the way I look isn’t a problem for them, I do have to be out with the neighbors when the busses arrive and I’m not ready to deal with any of them just yet, so it’s just unadorned me out and about. It’s the same at work, and though I have been doing this for several years now, it still bothers me on a number of levels and truly aggravates me when I think I have to hide in plain sight because some people could never handle the truth… Small minds, small hearts….

Anyway, as long as this continues to be the life I lead, then I have to expect more ups and downs, more times of doubt and fear.

More times when I just want to give up.

Yet they pass.

They pass.

In the end I realize I am who I am and nothing is going to change this simple truth.

Would I like to be myself all the time? Of course.

Would it reduce my stress levels? Yes and no. Going full time has its own issues to be dealt with which I cannot simply dismiss. It would be rather dishonest of me… at leas to myself and if you can’t be honest with yourself, then who can you be?

On the other side is how I am feeling more and more free each day. There is a weight lifted from my chest and I can breather easier than ever before. I find even in the darker times, in the middle of the night, things seem brighter, less immediate, and not as insurmountable. 

No matter what I find myself smiling more, sometimes for no other reason than I feel like it. Yes there are tears and sometimes I don’t even know why they are there, but it’s fine. They are welcome.

You know, there are days when I feel as if I am simply floating in the river of life, being carried wherever the current takes me and I look at the sky above and think I haven’t moved at all, then I look at the world around me and realize miles have slipped past while I wasn’t paying attention.

I have said before, two steps forward, one back but it really sin’t like that at all. I am constantly moving forward even when I think I haven’t moved at all.

A thought which came to mind this week was this…

Every second is brand new, every step takes us into the unexplored. Every tick of the clock is a new universe because not matter how many times we may think we have walked the same path, it isn’t. Not really. There will always be something different from the last time even if it the play of single stand of hair in a shifting of the air. Every breath is different than the last and can never be repeated.

So why not seek to make the most of each second, every breath, that next step no matter where it is leading us?

We’re only going this way once.

 

Shivers

Saturday was a busy day. Busy enough all I could do was eat a little Dinner and went to bed early.

I started out with therapy, which went well. The nice thing at this point is I am looking past dealing with gender issues and moving on to the other things I need/want to work past. 

As I said, I am in the process of decluttering my life and this really does mean in every way I can. It isn’t just about throwing some things away or straightening out a closet, though those things are part of it. I also need to deal with my emotional baggage which has weighed me down every bit as much as boxes of stuff.

One of the things I told Jodi was I need to work through my resentment and anger for things from the past. In some cases, these things go back more years than I care to think about… a lifetime and more. I need to let them go. In many cases the people aren’t even alive. There will never be a way to get closer, not from them, not as long as I hold on to the memories. All I am doing is giving someone else power in my life. Power they did not earn or deserve. It is time for me to take it back. 

In so many ways this is the same as emptying out an old box. It does me no good just sitting there taking up space for which I can find a better use.

Thankfully so much more is going on than therapy. A and I took time to get out by ourselves. We really need the time alone to decompress from what is more times than not  two week spent inside four walls where it can be difficult to just think, never mind having an adult conversation.

We needed to look for a new recliner, which we didn’t find, but we spent the day going through thrift stores and consignment shops. I wasn’t looking to buy anything for myself today, as I said, I was wanting to find a decent chair as well as clothes for the boys. (Being boys they are hard on clothes when they aren’t outgrowing them at an alarming pace). As it turned out, A had a different idea, so when we happened across a Coach wallet which matches the purse we bought awhile back, she got it… and gave it to me. It was unexpected and a wonderful surprise which I am still smiling about. I’ll post some pictures of them both when I get the chance.

Oh, speaking of being out, we went back to store we were in a few weeks ago which sells a lot of furniture. The sales lady is someone we have dealt with before. When we first started looking we had our backs to her and she asked if she could “help you ladies,” (Sorry, I still get a charge when I’m correctly gendered), the only down side was when we turned to her and she recognized me from our last visit where I had to use my male ID, so she apologized saying she didn’t recognize me. One day this won’t happen as no one will remember me as anyone other than Kira, but for now I understand it and assured her she hadn’t hurt my feelings in the least. Even though it wasn’t entirely the way I would have liked, this was another instance of validation for me. When just being myself is enough to deserve being seen properly more often than not.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I was presenting more as myself with the exception of my hair. It was simply too windy to risk wearing a wig… I really need to invest in some bobby pins… but in any case, I did have my hair in a pony tail to keep it out of my face. Of course wearing a heavy winter coat tends to make everyone look like stuffed sausages, so I know certain tale-tale things weren’t obvious which makes such recognition even better.

 

I’ve done a great deal of talking here and in past posts yet I find words alone are not enough to truly express just how different my life is at this moment. How much it feels as if I mountain has been lifted off my chest. I can breath, for the first time in I don’t remember when. I am able to breathe. More than this, I am able to feel. Sitting here I have tears in my eyes, not from sadness or fear but from simple happiness. I can’t think of the last time i could say such a thing.

I am happy.

Such a simple statement to try and convey so much.

I know for many this isn’t a big deal, nothing to sit and ponder over for hours at a time, yet when you have never had this sort of freedom it is almost overwhelming.

I can see possibility opening up before me. A glimpse of a life I didn’t know until recently even existed.

I suppose I could look back on my life with resentment, after all, there are all of those years which could have been like this. Years which I could think of as having been stolen from me, yet I don’t. I can’t. Such things seem a waste of time and energy which could be better spent elsewhere and so I am enjoying the moment as brief as it may be.

The realization I can do this is enough to send shivers running down my spine… in a good way. 🙂

 

Kira: In My Own Words

I wanted to wait until after my therapy session to write something more personal. It has been nearly a month since I last saw Jodi, before Christmas. With the holidays and her taking a vacation it just wasn’t feasible to try and do anything before now.

I was a real jabber jaw today and the time flew by before I knew it, which is good. It really felt nice to just sit and talk with someone who is an objective observer. There is no fear of judgment or ridicule which takes so much stress of a conversation.

For those of you who read this blog regularly know I have my times. I have long had a habit of thinking things to death and combined with a tendency to take things out of context or more personally than intended. So often I have found myself a dog chasing her own tail. Getting no where and making myself dizzy. 

There are time though, when all of this self examination pays off. When I have had time to work through it.

This past month has ben such a time. In the beginning I was worried and confused by my feelings or my lack of them. I have lived for so long in a constant whirlwind, for me all of the noise and chaos were just another day. Now, between medicine and therapy I have the ability to experience what most people take for granted, which is a relatively calm mind capable of clear thought. I also have ways to sort out my emotions, to bring sadness and depression under control by keeping them in perspective. Before they could balloon out of control, becoming so overwhelming the consumed my life for days or weeks at a time.

Control, tools, and finding balance. All of these come together so in the end I can find my way clear of the distractions, to step back and see the forest for the trees. I’m still learning, still finding my way through this new view of the world. I’m going to make mistakes, loose my way rom time to time, become overwhelmed… The difference is, I have been handed a compass and a rough map so with time I can find my way back.

This is where I find myself today. Speaking to Jodi I realized just how much I have changed. How my view of situations has become clearer and I am able to face things a little easier without falling into a panic.

My view of myself has also changed dramatically. Before the very thought of being myself in public, to presenting as female was more then I could imagine. Now, there are more times when regardless of what I look like hear female pronouns and if I don’t? Well, it’s annoying but doesn’t lead to me crashing and burning like it did in the past.

You see, as I was talking I realized something about myself, something which has snuck up on me when I was concerned with other things…

I find I am more comfortable in my own skin.

Now I still have ups and downs, times when things bother me more than they should, yet over all, I’m not concerned with how others see me any more. All that matters is how I see myself.

Is it nice when I am correctly gendered? Of course. Would I rather take the time to get done up before I go out, knowing doing so will make being seen and accepted much more likely? Yes.

But there are also times when I just don’t care. I dress for the weather, for comfort. I don’t fight with wearing a wig or makeup, sometimes I don’t even wear my enhancers. You know why? For one, I’m lazy. For another I know who I am inside regardless of any thing else and I am comfortable with myself. It doesn’t hurt that I have been correctly gendered regardless of how I thought I was presenting.

Male mode, en femme, Greg or Kira… I don’t even think in these terms any more. They are meaningless. I am me. Nothing more, nothing less and I really have nothing to prove to anyone. 

This doesn’t change the path I am on. At some point I am going to legally change my name. I am going to seek to have my gender markers changed. I want to look more into HRT. I don’t know if I will need or want to go any further than this, but no isn’t the time to worry about it. It isn’t a driving need at the moment though I accept it might be one day. There is no reason to get worked up about it. If it happens, then it does. If not, then not.

More every day I see and think of myself as Kira. Kira Anne Moore… “K” (Kay), to my friends if they are so willing.

I again explained to Jodi Greg was a costume, a mask and a bundle of expectations I wore because I want to be accepted. To be included, to have friends and lovers and all the things most people have. I wanted to be loved by my family. To feel a part of something outside of myself. 

I tried to be this person. I tried to meet expectations. I took on the mannerisms I thought were expected. Tried to share the interests of those around me. Tired to play a part for which I was woefully unequipped to play.

I couldn’t do it any more.

Meeting Jodi was a real blessing. The last time I tried to get help, I was left in pretty much the place where I had started. There was no real effort on anyone’s part to try and do what I needed, which was help me. She saw me. Heard me. Listened. Before I had to fight every step of the way just to be acknowledged and then it was just to be handed a bunch of pills, patted on the head, and sent on my way…

I have spoken of the past two years and what I long struggle it has been… Yet, this is just blink. Nothing really when I look at how long I have been making my way to the point where I am now, sitting here typing these words.

I was 10 when I first realized there was something different about me, I am going to be 48 this year…

38 years to find my truth. a lifetime and more to begin the journey I should have began the first day I stood in front of mirror with a towel over my head wishing it was my real hair. When I stood barefoot on a cold concrete floor about to do something which felt so right even as it terrified me beyond words.

The first time I reached the breaking point. When I stood in disbelief as the walls of my mind were torn asunder, as I was left with nothing but death as a companion, I was shuffled off out of sight, out of mind. No one wanted to be bothered. No one wanted to take the time to find the truth which was waiting just under the carpet where I had been sweeping it for years. It was 1988.

I could spend time wishing for what could have been, but what use would it be? Nothing would change, nor should it. 

It has been a long hard journey, but if I had not seen the things I have seen, learned what I have learned, I would not be the person I am today. Every mistake, every scar, every wound, every scrape and bruise I have earned. It hasn’t been easy and sometimes the pain was more than I thought I could bear, yet I did. I have and I will.

I stand here today because of what has gone before. I have walked under the sun and felt the wind in my hair. I have heard my name from other lips and I have been seen and accepted as who I truly am. Nothing can take those things from me.

What I do. What I have done. The person I was before never could never have done.

Could never have dreamed the dreams I have. 

From slavery to freedom I have fought and clawed. 

I have earned this.

I deserve this.

I will have this.

 

I will say to anyone who asks;

This path is not easy, but nothing worth achieving ever is.

Not everyone can do this, but how will you know if you never try?

It is worth it.

If you do nothing else, trust yourself. It’s difficult to do but the rewards are beyond compare.

Just Me

I’ve thought a great deal about what I wanted to write for today and I finally realized there were just three things which have stood out in my memory and still hold a great deal of emotion and so it is these which I will share.

My youngest was up first and when I went to get my hair, he asked “Is that your wig?” and I told him it was. Then he asked “Why do you wear it?” and I told hime because I was more comfortable, to which he answered, “Oh, Ok then,” and went back to watch television.

My middle son was up next and didn’t say anything when he saw me, but both boys were talking and telling me things, all the time calling me “Dad.” At one point I felt it important to tell him; “No matter how I look or what name I use, I will always be Dad.”

He answered, “I know and I’m ok with that.”

 

The final thing came up during therapy. Jodi has another session following mine. I have seen the woman waiting many times. My last session, just before Thanksgiving was when I went as myself and it was the first time she has seen me as such. After I had left she asked, what happened to the “little guy” who is usually here before me? Jodi wasn’t sure how she should answer and simply said “That was my other client.” It took the woman a moment to put the dots together and she asked, “That was him?” to which Jodi said, “That’s her.”

It seems this woman thought not only was I a new client, but saw me as a woman.

As Jodi has told me more than once, what others see is not what I assume they see. I may look in the mirror and still see my old face looking back at me, but everyone else just sees a woman… I know, I find it difficult to even type such a thing, but it what I am being told and I have no real reason to doubt it.

I Can Do This

I’ve had to take some time and think about what I was going to write. Not to censor myself, because I have had to really think about who might be reading this blog, even in passing and I ask myself, is what I am posting helpful to someone who is just beginning to come to terms with being Trans*?

Obviously I cannot answer this, all I can say is being able to put my thoughts here has helped me and I guess this was the whole reason for starting in the first place… Yet I almost forget I am not alone in this life, there is all of you who read these words who are touched in some way by my life even though we have never met face to face. It is a reminder of the power of communication which can travel the weld at the speed of light.

There might be a young person looking for answers, looking for hope, looking to find another voice which speaks in a way which touches them when everything looks so hopeless… Maybe it’s the parent of such a child trying to come to terms with the reality they now face when they can only watch from the outside. Maybe it’s a friend, a lover, a relative… I will never know. Still all these symbols scrolling across the screen have a power, an ability beyond anything we might intend. We help or hurt, heal or injure with a single keystroke.

So here I sit. Originally I planned to write something about my therapy session today and I will, but there is more I need to think about writing. Some of it I know can be found in other places on the internet, namely Trans* 101 sites, but they are useless unless people like myself also point to them. The more road signs we can give to those seeking answers, the better. I don’t have all of the resources bookmarked on this computer, so I cannot make a list just yet. I am going to work of fixing the situation including adding a Links Page. 

I want to move beyond this blog beyond just being a personal journal to being a resource in it’s own right. There may come a day when I am no longer here and I don’t want this to fade away. I want it to be a light, an electric pointer in the darkness to help just one person find their way… If there are more, then so much the better. So please give me a little time to goer myself organized and I’ll make changes and post information as I can.

So now to the reason I was going to write today… therapy. 

First I pulled the trigger and did what I had been thinking about all week and that was to go to this session wearing my hair. No makeup, nothing fancy. Just a nice outfit and a wig. Oh, I did put on some lip protection, not lip gloss or chap stick, but moisturizing “lip therapy”… Sounds fancy, but it does keep them from drying out with those cold Winter winds and it was windy today…

Anyway, We talked about this past week starting with my last post. As I told Jodi, I want to reach the point where I simply have a normal day. Nothing fancy, no big plans for what I want to wear or where I want to go… I just want to be like every other woman out there and be comfortable without having to make a big production out of a simple trip to the store.

I also need to get past worrying about what other people think about my appearance, my voice, or any of the rest. Truly, 99.99% of the people I interact with on any given day really have no impact on my life so why should I worry about their opinion? I know, easier said than done, but I have to try. Just as so many other people do, simply walking out the door without tying themselves into knots worrying about things they have no control over. A girl is just a girl and a boy is just a boy and what do any of us really care which is which? Unless we are in a personal relationship, then the answer is not at all.

I know the majority of what I am feeling, of what bothers me, makes me nervous or anxious is what is inside of my own head. Maybe part of it is having spent so many years trying to be accepted by my own family, to show them I was worthy of being one of them, those feelings of inadequacy have carried over into everything I’ve done. 

I’m not sure what I can do to overcome this, not yet. I told Jodi I can’t force an answer, As I have done with other problems, I just have to let this sit in the back of my mind and let my brain work through it in it’s own time. I have to have faith in myself. It isn’t easy, but I can do this.

Talk It Out

I went to therapy this morning. I was ambivalent about going… I know it helps but there are times when I wonder if the help I find does’t lead into more trouble. I know it seems backward, yet every step forward I have taken has made the next one more difficult. Then again, I have a habit of over thinking these things and stressing myself out.

I’m not sure just where to start with the conversation between Jodi and I. I know she could tell I was having problems and my getting more upset the closer it was to my scheduled time didn’t help… Even now, sitting here thinking about things, I can feel the stress building and I can’t even tell you the reason for it… I just know I’m on the verge of tears…

I told her about feeling as if trying to live two lives is slowly tearing me apart… I told her about coming out to another coworker and my fear it will cost me my job, also about coming out to my old friend who has not said another word to me since. I spoke of how being on the receiving end of male pronouns is becoming more and more difficult to accept…

She asked if I had thought about going out wearing my hair, which I have more than once, thigh I haven’t done so yet… I know I will, it isn’t “if” but “when” now… She responded by saying she doubted anyone would use male pronouns if I did. She also told me she could grantee it won’t matter if word gets around at work, odds are people have been talking about me already… the long hair, the nails, that I act like a woman, talk like a woman… I suppose this would just be conformation, not some shocking revelation.

She told me it was likely I have been making people wonder about if I’m male or female for awhile now… which brought up the issue of pronouns again. As she pointed out, I could have a great day in every respect and still focus on the single time when someone mis-gendered me and she’s correct. Yesterday I had to make a trip to the store. None of the women I spoke to used any pronouns at all, the one man I spoke to called me “Mister” and that was all which stuck in my head. It’s happened in similar ways before. I can have a dozen nice encounters and I will zone in on the single bad one, which really wasn’t bad with the exception of a single word.

It was also pointed out to me, not for the first time, I am entirely too hard on myself… I am without a doubt my harshest critic. Both Jodi and A have told me this over and over again, now I just to get it through my thick skull.

As Jodi told me, every woman has things she doesn’t like about herself. Things about which she is self conscience. I’m no different. In fact this is something everybody deals with to one extent or another, it’s just part of being human. She’s right of course…

Another thing is I project my own doubts and fears onto everyone around me, assuming they see me the way I see myself. Thinking they are judging me the way I judge myself when the truth is, at this point I come across as more feminine than male. Enough so it gives people pause. I guess it is because she is the only one I have heard this from leads me to think she is just being once to me even though I know she has no reason to be anything but honest. After all, she is there to help me and I doubt she would see lies as being helpful in any way.

I do have to wonder…

Is what I am feeling now just another example of me trying to sabotage myself? Is this the part of me which feels I don’t have a right to be happy? To truly be myself? Which insists I’m not not worth the effort, not worthy of living a life in which I am not in constant pain…

Because pain is what I am feeling. This cold weight on my chest and endless waves of doubt and anxiety. 

There is fear too. Of the unknown, of the untested, of failure or being mistaken… or just plain wrong…

Something else I mentioned to Jodi was I have gone out of my way to avoid uncomfortable situations, paths in my life which I saw as too difficult, too prone to failure… I asked myself over and over, what if I’m not good enough. What if I’m wrong and what I think of as special is really a terrible failure? 

(Funny, sitting here, thinking these things, watching as the words scroll across the screen, I can see the scene from ‘Back To The Future” when the elder McFly says almost the exact same thing… Yet this is real life, not some movie where everything is resolved before the reel ends… This is reality, not make believe and failure has real consequences. 

Part of what scares me is not failing myself, but failing those who depend on me… What I do to myself is one thing, but what I cause in the lives of others is another.

I have to find balance somehow… I just don’t know how.

Now, just a fair warning… I decided to add a pic. Without makeup, without a wig… just plain ole me as I truly am… My God have mercy on my soul…

Kira Plain