A Long Day

It’s been a long day which is a good thing.

Started off this morning with a call from Jodi, seems we got our signals crossed and she didn’t realize I didn’t know I was suppose to have a session scheduled for today. Things ended well though, she asked to meet me at Stake & Shake, which if you don’t know is a sit down semi-fast food place. She asked me to come wearing my hair, which I did. We spent about half an hour or so just talking over coffee. The main reason for meeting there was she wanted to see how I felt being in public and you know what? I was completely comfortable. One thing I am learning is not to think too much about things and just be myself. Do this and no one seems to give me a second thought… it’s a very nice feeling. Jodi even commented on the fact I seemed to be at ease which is a good thing. We also talked about my down turn over the past couple of days and she advised I should expect to go through cycles like this, at least for the forseeable future and noted I seem to have worked through it properly, which makes me feel better.

Speaking of which, I am doing better in case you can’t tell. 😉

After our meeting I picked up A and we went out and finished our Christmas shopping for the kids. We also stopped and got lunch and later dinner, all with me as myself. I point this out because it’s important to note A still isn’t 100% comfortable with me presenting female in public but I understand her reasons. For one, she is getting use to seeing me this way outside of the house but more, she is worried for me with how people will react to me. She doesn’t want to see me accosted verbally or embarrassed in any way, and I assured her knowing this means a great deal to me. I know all too well she could have walked away more than once, yet she has remained by my side and it is something I can never repay her for.

During the day, we picked up lunch at Jersey Mike’s where I was able to tell them my name is Kira without a second thought when asked and the person taking my order didn’t bat an eye.

We went to Big Lots (a discount store), Wal-Mart, Aldi’s (discount groceries), Toys-R-Us, and Costco. Everything went better than I could have hoped, not a single hiccup with the exception of Costco when we both forgot to have A use her card, using mine instead as was asked if “He” was with us to which we both replied “kinda, sorta”. To her credit, the cashier didn’t miss a beat nor said another word. 

All and all it was a one of the most relaxing, stress free days I’ve had in as long as I can remember. 

(I know this going to sound strange, but I do feel somewhat guilty for how good I’m feeling right now. It’s mostly due to knowing this is something which bothers A. I don’t like the thought my happiness comes at someone else’s expense. I know this is something I am going to need to work through, it will just take some time.)

Now Welcoming Epiphany To The Center Stage

I sometimes wonder at my own arrogance…

Poster

I don’t remember when it was but I read a post once in which someone spoke of reaching a day when dressing as themselves was just a normal part of the day and not an “event” which required careful thought and planning. At the time I thought, “well, she’s not the same as me, I don’t make an event of being myself; after all, I’m Kira all the time.”

Looking back I wish I could tell this person, “I’m sorry. I didn’t understand.”

Still, no excuse for being snotty about it… 

Today I realized, being myself is still as much of an event as it was the first Halloween I went out. It was repeated this year as well. I have been thinking quite a lot about at least wearing my hair when I go out on the weekends. I don’t really go anywhere during the week, between work, the kids, and a little sleep I just don’t have a chance to do anything other than household chores so it isn’t an issue.

Still, in thinking about something as simple as going to my therapy session or shopping, I realized I was turning such mundane things into something bigger, somehow more important and this isn’t what I want. It isn’t how I would like to live my life and in that moment I realized just what a long ago blog post was really about.  

I want mundane. I want to wake up and just be. Millions of women get up every day and put on a wig. The reasons are many and few could be viewed as major life events. This is what I want for myself and I can see just what such a thing really means in the bigger picture of simply being myself. 

What lead me to this realization was in thinking about the way I am interacting with others, especially women when I’m at work. This has proven to be stressful because this is the time when I present as male, when I know and understand I am being seen as such and people reactions to me in the most simple of things is based on this belief. It makes me hyper aware of how I look and sound… I become self conscience and truthfully, it hurts. Yes, I know this is my own doing but it does’t make it any easier.

This has become an issue in the last few days because I have had several female students doing late work in my building and of course I have to speak and interact with them. Every little thing which in my mind points me out as being different turns into a knife blade grating against my bones. I know much of this is in my head, but it is how I feel and I haven’t figured out a way to overcome it.

I project my own fears and insecurities onto those around me and it distorts everything. To me, my voice is too deep, too grating, too male. I envision what others see and think I look like some guy… my true self obscured and distorted by their expectations… Later when I have a chance at reasoned thought I know it isn’t them; it’s me.

I don’t know how to get past this. Not yet. 

Sadly I believe much of this stems from all the years I was worried about being seen as male. I became so focused on the image I was trying to portray I forgot to just be myself. Now I am having to try and learn who I am and to see myself properly again.

It Will Be Okay

Yesterday was a melancholy day in which I had things I needed to get off my mind… Negative things, worries and emotions which would do little but drag me down and leave me feeling miserable. 

I’m going to have days like that. I’ll think too much and feel too much, then spend all my time chasing my own tail until I’m dizzy and exhausted. But you know, it’s okay to have days like that. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and as if life is out of my control. 

I Think Too D*mn Much

It is tempting sometimes to let down the shields and to be completely honest and open about my entire life… at least here, in the place where only my words are set free. Yet such  a thing is not really possible is it? If this were some ordinary blog discussing pets or clothing, then maybe… For something as personal as this? Discussing issues many in the world either ignore or despise. Issues which, for whatever reasons, have the potential to destroy lives… then no. I have a responsibility to my partner, myself, my children… especially them. For their sakes I remain cloaked in shadows, a fleeting thought in the electronic world.

I would have thought living such a life would be easy. It would seem a natural fit for someone who has lived in the shadows as long as I have… hiding behind this mask, knowing it to be a lie but too scared to speak the truth… But it isn’t so easy. All these hints and teasing possibilities… The hopes and dreams I could never share, or if I did, were never understood… How is it possible to be a whole person when putting the pieces together would transform you into an unknown, an “other”?

How can you be yourself when you don’t even know who you are? When you have spent too much time and effort hiding from yourself, making excuses, ignoring the truths which force themselves into you thoughts, outright lying to yourself… saying your just like everyone else, there is nothing different…

Yet, how can you not be yourself once you have excepted the truth? How can you ever embrace the life you once lived knowing what you now know? Is it even possible, for even a moment, to continue as you were? Or will it, in the end, drive you someplace you don’t want to go, to think thoughts you hoped never to think again?