It’s been a cold, windy day. Perfect for staying in with something (or someone) warm.
So far, so good. The local river levels have remained steady over night and throughout the day. The city is looking into the time table for lifting the evac watch. It has been raining here, but it is light and isn’t expected to affect anything seriously, which is welcome news. The extended forecast is for dryer and warmer weather toward the end of the week. I’m not going to say we are out of the woods yet, but things are looking better.
On the personal front, my main issue has been a lack of creativity. Maybe it’s the stress of the past week or the problems with sleeping, but I just haven’t been able to write anything decent. I am going to try and get more rest and I need to look into some stress relief exercises. I love being able to write and I miss not being able to share my work with others. I know this will pass and so I have something to look forward to.
Well, speaking of needing more rest, I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open, so I’ll bring this to a close and wish everyone a good night.
The good news is there really is no news. No weather at the moment, no rushing flood waters. In fact, the new crest forecasted has been lowered a half foot. Still a record, but it’s surprising how much relief such a small difference can bring. We are still going to need to be on alert in case anything unexpected happens, but I will feel a little better going to work tonight.
Maybe it’s the added stress of the past few days, but I have some issues mostly having to do with body image but also with my general presentation. It isn’t a major problem, just a constant, nagging discomfort at the edge of my thoughts. I hate to talk about these sort of things because I feel as if I am complaining just to be complaining, even though I know I’m not. I guess if it is enough for me to be concerned then I need to pay attention to what I am feeling. Odds are this will pass once things have settled down again and by the time I go back for my next therapy session it will be nothing more than a distant memory… at least I hope so.
Now that I think about it, maybe part of the concern I feel is the question of if this has anything to do with the antidepressant I’m on. I know there are possible side effects and I can’t help but wonder if this is part of it. As I write this, A is still at work so I’ll talk to her this evening and see what she thinks. She is more familiar with this than I am. If something unusual comes up I’ll do an update.
Okay, talked with A, there are some minor things I am now aware of which, while not a call for immediate action, are things I will need to keep an eye on. Tiredness, nausea, trouble sleeping, and the slight dysphoria. Everything has been pretty minor so far, but now e are aware of the issues and will take steps as needed. If anything changes I will be sure to let you know.
So far things have remained quiet. I am at work but keeping one ear open in case I get “the call” telling me an evacuation has been ordered. I am also keeping an eye on the water levels as reported on my cities website. As stressful as this as been already, they are saying we need to be prepared through at least Wednesday. So at this point is all a waiting game. At least we haven’t needed to pack up, though that could change at a moments notice.
As far as thinking about other issues… I’m simply too tired, too emotionally drained to think clearly. Trying to follow a coherent thought is like chasing a Willow – the – Wisp. Truthfully, there are so many things out of my control at the moment, I guess this is one of those times when it is best to let them go and just not worry about it.
I woke up before anyone else, so I have a few minutes to write before the day gets busy. Odds are we are going to have to leave before the end of the day, thankfully we have a place to stay. Most of our neighbors are also ready to leave at a moments notice and everyone is a bit on edge. People have already been evacuated from some lower lying areas not too far from here, though they had less time to pack up than we have had. There is a major business just down the street and at first they were going to sandbag but part way through yesterday they gave up and decided to pack up instead. Needless to say, this doesn’t bode well for what they expect to happen. A number of smaller businesses have also packed up seeking to save as much as possible. There is a lot we aren’t going to be able to move, I checked into getting a moving van yesterday and there isn’t a single one available within 50 miles. So we are just going to get all of our personal things which can’t be replaced out. Everything else is expendable. As I told A, it’s all just stuff and it can be replaced, all that matters to me is that everyone is safe. If we do have to leave I’ll be sure to post a note as soon as I can just to let you know we are safe.
Another thing yesterday was I had a therapy session. I was going to cancel for obvious reasons, but it would have meant waiting at least another two weeks before I could be seen and both A and I thought it best to keep this one.
First, I am going to refer to my therapist as “J” from now on. I should have been doing this from the beginning and I really don’t know why I didn’t. I did talk to her about this and she is fine with it.
We discussed what happened with my doctor and what it means as far as my transition is concerned and my reaction to it. As I mentioned before, I was disappointed, but it is something which I can get past. It just means exploring different options. We also talked about my finally getting treatment for depression and what it might mean for my wellbeing going forward. Having this recognized has been a weight lifted off my shoulders and I look forward to seeing what life looks like from a “normal” viewpoint. After all, my “normal” was anything but. By our next appointment I will have been on medication fro more than the three weeks I have been advised it will take for it to take full affect and I am interested to see just how much of a difference it makes.
We also discussed the understanding I have gained in regards to a number of personal issues, mostly dealing with my emotional state and how it impacts my relationships. I spoke about this before and I really can’t go into a lot of detail here simply because it would turn this post into a full length novel. What I will do is point you again to what triggered this line of thought. It was a podcast which you can either find in iTunes by searching for “Off the Air – Chick McGee” or by going here. Download “Episode 041 Marc Marion”. I promise you, it is powerful. I have listened to it several times now and it always leaves me in tears. There is so much which is discussed in which I can see myself. Sometimes it takes something like this to really open your eyes.
The final part of the session dealt with the relationship between A and I. This is something I’m not comfortable writing about here because I really don’t don’t think it is my place to share such things with the whole world, even if she gave me permission, which she hasn’t. There may come a point at which I will discuss all of this, but now is not the time.
Okay, people are getting up and so it is time to get to work. I will try and do an update at some point, but if not, then I will make sure to write something which I can post for tomorrow.
We have not received and mandatory evacuation order, but we are preparing to leave tomorrow just to be on the safe side. Tonight is being spent gathering everything vital so we can move it in the morning.
Once things settle down tonight I will sit down and write something about my therapy session this morning.
As an aide, I suddenly had trouble accessing WordPress both on the computer and through the mobile app. I keep getting the message wordpress.com is private. I had to go through Google search and reconnect through the supplied link. Not sure what the issue is but I hope it is resolved quickly.
It’s been a long day already and promises to only get longer. I have to do some more clean up from the basement flood which will take up most of my afternoon. Later this morning I have therapy. I suppose I could have canceled, but I have had this scheduled for two weeks and I didn’t want to push it back any further.
The real stress test will come over the next few days as we are now under an evacuation watch due to additional flooding. It might be possible, depending on what happens, that we might lose the house. The last time there was a flood here, the house was repaired, but they are saying the levels might be even higher and if so, then there will be water in the main structure and not just the basement area as happened before. We do have insurance, though not flood insurance, since it was never required, but we might find ourselves having to make a claim based on disaster aid from the government. I’m being optimistic things won’t get to such a point, but I have to be realistic and accept the possibility exists. Needless to say, I’m worried.
At least we have today and probably tomorrow to get ready if we do need to leave. We are making arrangements to stay with A’s parents, so we do have a place to stay, if needed.
I am planning on writing about todays therapy session provided nothing else happens. At the least, I will make sure to keep you updated on what is happening.
It has been an event filled day. I have spent my waking hours doing what I am sure many people are doing, staying glued to the television as events in Boston have unfolded. I don’t know how it’s all going to end, but I just hope there is no more loss of life.
My thoughts and prayers are with the families of the victims, bot those from the bombing and the officer killed this morning.
I’m trying to get out a post on time for today, but things have been a little trying around here… Most notably having to deal with the 14 inches of water in the basement which were waiting for this morning when I got home from work. As I type this, I have two pumps running and just 9 inches remaining… Ack!
Things could be worse, just Google “Flood” to see what I mean. After seeing some of those pictures, I’m not going to complain too much.
The good news is everyone is fine. The only damage has been to some things and well, they can be replaced.
I am a little surprised with myself. I guess I expected to be feeling at least a little down after what happened with the doctor, after all, this is a setback. Yet I can’t find it in myself to feel sad about this. It just seems to be a minor thing, not a life altering chasm I cannot get past. One of the things I know is I will have to wait until at least June before I will have the time to travel, as I have mentioned before, the nearest “major” city where I have found any Trans* related resources listed is three hours away by car. Such a trip isn’t impossible, just inconvenient and troublesome to schedule. That’s providing I can get an appointment with a gender specialist in a time frame I can work with. (I’m assuming this will have to be my first step before I can get a recommendation to an endocrinologist). From there I will see about HRT as I’m sure I will have to pretty much start over in showing it is something I need as opposed to simply want. This was the main reason I was hoping to keep things local if possible.
Another aspect to this is my current emotional state, which has remained fairly steady. I have had plenty of time to think and work though a number of issues. I can’t really go into any details as much of this is very personal in nature and I’m not comfortable sharing it at this point. What matters is this; I have finally realized the most important thing I could do was to forgive myself. I know this seems obvious, but it is much easier said than done and I simply cannot truly forgive anyone else if I cannot do so for me first.
This is something i have been working toward for months, but it has just been over the past several days when I truly embraced this understanding and it has made a tremendous difference in my overall outlook on life. I mentioned it before and I will do so again, this has been such a freeing experience, I’m still coming to terms with what a difference it has already made in my thinking… it’s such a night and day sort of thing.
I’ll stop here for now. There is still so much to work through, but I’m simply getting too tired to think clearly.