I have had a busy day, but in a good way, mostly getting the house opened for the day as the weather has been great. Also doing some much needed Spring cleaning though goodness knows I am so far behind I’ll probably still be working when it’s time to do the Fall cleaning!
Despite wanting to pull my hair out at times, over all, things are going well and I have a positive outlook for the future. After so long of moving through a fog of doubt, it is an amazing feeling to leave all of that behind for the most part. Don’t get me wrong, I still have have my moody times, but thankfully they are aren’t as deep as even a short time ago. It really is like having a weight lifted off of me. I have more energy and I look forward to what the day will bring. Now, I want to hold onto this with both hands and never let go.
I did want to speak to some things which can and has caused some problems. The reason is because I know there are others who are dealing with the same things and I want them to know they are not alone…
For one, even though I know full well I am presenting as male, (as much as I am able these days), it still stings when I am addressed by someone using male pronouns. I know it may seem like it doesn’t make sense, but just because I do something I have to doesn’t mean I want to. I want so much to be seen and addressed as who I know myself to be, but it can’t be that way yet. The one saving grace is the internet and this blog. In the different chat rooms, forums, and blogs I visit, everyone is interacting with me as female and it means so much to me I cannot put it fully into words.
Another issue is with my physical appearance, mostly in seeing my reflection which forces me to confront what I know everyone else sees. To over come this, I make a point of either concentrating on some small detail or action, (which makes shaving possible), or else I just unfocus my eyes to the point I’m just a burry blob.
And then there is the big one right now which is my voice. This is my own fault, I simply haven’t practiced as much as I need to. It’s sort of like exercising, it’s not something I want to do, but I need to and I have to motivate myself to just quit making excuses and do it.
Of course there is the whole issue of having to keep so much private, of not being able to be open and honest with friends and family, really the whole world. It can be so difficult knowing you can’t just walk out the door looking the way you know you should. Not to mention the whole mannerism problem. There is a constant feeling of wrongness to interacting with people in a way which is consistent with your appearance but totally at odds with how you feel and see yourself. Personally, I wouldn’t care if I came across as gay, or overly feminine, except I know it would cause me some real, potentially dangerous, issues, especially at work. It’s disgusting there are some truly intolerant people in this world, people for whom using violence is an acceptable response to things they disagree with. Unfortunately, this is a reality some of us have to live with and it brings into sharp focus the dangers of being seen as “different.”
I know how difficult these things and more, can be. I have been there, I have and am living it every single day. I understand how difficult it is to remember what happens today is not the way it will always be. Things have changed many times and they will do so many more before we are through. It may be cliche, but I’ll ay it anyway, keep your eyes on the goal, whatever it might be. Try to keep moving, even if it is with the smallest of steps. You will get there. I will get there. We will get there.