Another Tour Inside My Mind.

First of all, today was better than the last few. A and I got out and about which I am sure helped. One of the problems with dealing with depression, especially when it digs in deep, is the exhaustion. Doing anything physical leaves me feeling as if I haven’t slept in weeks and though I enjoyed being out of the house, I found myself needing to sleep for several hours. Thankfully it was a better rest than I have gotten many nights when it seems as though all I do is toss and turn, unable to get comfortable or to get my brain to shut off.

When I was trying to relax this afternoon a thought came to me that I need to shift the way I think about what happened in the past. Most of the time I have viewed my memories through the lens of being male when the truth is, this was never the way I actually experienced those events. I tend to think of them in terms of what “he” did or said or experienced and not how I did.

Maybe this sounds strange, I’m sure it isn’t how most people think of their past but I think it is the way I do.

I need to think of these things in terms of what I remember, what I experienced, what I thought and felt and stop trying to embrace something I was never able to fully comprehend. 

The interesting thing is, I think back on so many instances when I would do something or have a question and I would tell myself everyone else did or thought the same things and yet the thought of asking or talking about them was terrifying. I knew then, as I know now, I was not the same as everyone else and they did not have the same thoughts or questions as I did and they would not understand, so I kept my silence.

So, knowing this, why have I thought I could compare myself to whatever self image I had  based those around me? 

Remember the saying, “If a fish judges its self compared to a cat and the cats ability to climb a tree, it will always believe it is useless.”

It’s the same thing for me, a trans person, trying to compare myself to a world full of cis people and by the same token, those cis people around me, judging based on their expectations.

It’s no wonder I’ve spent a lifetime thinking I was broken and worthless.

I Was Recently Informed I’m Not a Transsexual | Advocate.com

I Was Recently Informed I’m Not a Transsexual | Advocate.com:

“I was giving my Gender 101 presentation to an important corporate client in the Bay Area recently when I got to terms and definitions. It was then I learned I am no longer a transsexual. I tried to define the difference between ‘transgender’ and ‘transsexual’ but was stopped by three young people — two of whom identified themselves as nonbinary — who took strong exception to the word ‘transsexual.’”

What Does Transgender Mean, and How Do People Transition?

A nice primer.

 

What Does Transgender Mean, and How Do People Transition?:

“It’s the latest fight in LGBTQ battlegrounds across the world: transgender rights. From Caitlyn Jenner’s gender transitioning to the battle over bathroom access, transgender news is flooding the mainstream. And while being transgender is as old as the human race itself, for many people, the topic is new.

How does someone transition from one gender to another? What are transgender people, and what do they look like? For the uninitiated, here’s your primer on being transgender and being a good transgender ally.”

(Via. Dailydot)

Being transgender in America may be hazardous to your health, study shows – LA Times

Being transgender in America may be hazardous to your health, study shows – LA Times:

“A new report in JAMA Internal Medicine characterizes a variety of health disparities between people who are transgender (that is, their gender identity is not the same as their gender at birth) and people who are cisgender (their gender identity matches their gender at birth).”

Texas House Passes Bathroom Bill | Dallas Observer

Texas House Passes Bathroom Bill | Dallas Observer:

“On Monday afternoon, after two more days of debate, the Texas House of Representatives passed a ‘bathroom bill.’ Reps tacked an amendment requiring that public schools ban transgender kids from using multi-occupancy restrooms of their choice onto another public school bill, one that requires schools to draw up plans for dealing with natural disasters and other emergencies.”

Time to Catch Up.

It is the end of what has been a long and stressful week. It began last week with a family emergency which was a triggering event for me, bringing back many memories and fears. Thankfully things are moving in the correct direction and we, as a family, are gaining the skills, patience, and experience to become closer and stronger.

I have made every effort to keep the focus where it is needed most, which was not on me and even now I am reluctant to insert my own issues into the mix but thankfully, in some unexpected ways, I found myself challenged to embrace my true self even more closely.

Before this happened I was falling into an old pattern, convincing myself I could survive as I had for so many years, drawing a veil around myself to hide in plain sight, to push away the positive feelings and embrace the negative. To berate myself as a fool, delusional, deceived, misguided, a know nothing who was wrong… wrong… wrong.

Yet somehow, every time something has happened, sometimes internally, others externally which blocks off one path while opening another. Every time the new way brought me back to being my authentic self. This time it was external, someone taking it upon themselves to make a brave decision to make me more comfortable. It was touching, it was emotional, and it changed a relationship for the better.

It also left me in tears.

We Exist: The 10 Episode Trans Documentary Series – TRANZGENDR

We Exist: The 10 Episode Trans Documentary Series – TRANZGENDR:

“We Exist is a 10 episode documentary series, consisting of 22 minute episodes hosted by Isley Reust. Season one follows the lives of transgender men and women serving in; the armed forces, law enforcement, fire rescue, as well as all spectrums of the medical field.

Each episode showcases a new person in a new town as Ms. Reust travels the globe, interviewing these remarkable men and women, while capturing their stories in addition to sharing their daily lives.”