I know things have been tumultuous recently but that is partly due to my inability to put things into words in a way which makes sense.
Time and time again I found myself falling into a self destructive pattern of behavior. Taking a step forward then a dozen back. Of knowing deep inside what I needed to do but instead listening to the whispers… You’re not good enough, you don’t deserve happiness, you don’t even deserve to live…
You’re a burden on everyone around you, you’re selfish, You’ll never be worth anything,
You are a failure, worthless, unneeded, unwanted, unloved.
Needless to say, this caused a great deal of stress in the lives of those around me and the constant flip flopping just made things worse. No one, not even myself, knew what person they would encounter from one moment to the next as I would shift from being up to crushing lows at the smallest provocation.
I can go from being certain of who i am to being convinced I am a fraud, deluded, or just plain insane. For every positive thought there are a thousand negative ones, each more powerful than the last. All piling on my mind, seeking to crush me with their weight… and at some point they would win. That’s when I would entertain my darkest thoughts, dream my worst nightmares, plan my most evil of plans.
The abyss would stare back.
I have struggled with this for as long as I can remember but as with so much in my life, it goes in cycles. In the past when things reached their worst I had mental breakdowns which often led me toward suicide. This year had proven to be another end of cycle and my thoughts have been either very dark or outright destructive. As mentioned above, this is something which puts a mountains of stress on those around me, especially my partner.
This past week things reached a head when she became ill. It would have been bad enough if it had been just one thing but it turned into three which each wearing her down more an more. Then she also had family issues and now there is some financial stress as well, though we have survived worse, it just seemed to be the icing on the cake. Seeing how hard all of this has been on her I felt even worst about adding to her problems as I seem to do all too often.
As so much of my issues stem from from my gender identity and how, if at all, I should be expressing myself. So I made a decision, not so much for myself but for her and the boys.
I have gone full time.