02/09/20

Sometimes there are things you want to get out but they seem so heavy, you feel as though the air is being crushed out of you and you can’t catch your breath no matter how hard you try.

For far too long I have been struggling with this, which is why I have been working so hard to find articles and other content just so I can maintain having at least one post a day. It also gives me a reason to push through. This may seem silly or pointless, (and to many it probably is), yet for me any thread I can cling to, no matter how small, pointless, or silly is often just enough to keep the darkness at bay.

It doesn’t help that much of this are things I have gone over and over again only to find myself right back at the beginning and by this point I’m sure everyone is sick of hearing about it. God knows I am sick and tired of thinking about any of it.

I know this is vague and I am sorry about that but this is as far as I push myself tonight.

~Kira

Noah Cyrus Couldn’t Take the Feeling of Anxiety Circling in Her Chest — but She Reached Out

Noah Cyrus Couldn’t Take the Feeling of Anxiety Circling in Her Chest — but She Reached Out

Noah Cyrus says she’s struggled with anxiety and depression since she was 10 or 11 years old. She’s done advocacy work for mental health organizations like The Crystal Campaign and The Jed Foundation (JED). Now, she’s speaking up on behalf of Seize the Awkward, a campaign from the Ad Council, American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), and JED geared toward empowering teens and young adults to break the stigma and break the silence about the mental health issues they’re going through. Other artists like Billie Eilish, Christina Perri, and Hayley Kiyoko have also shared their own stories for the campaign.

A Peak Into the Past

I’ve become aware of how much of myself I have either lost or never knew over my lifetime and now begins the long and sometimes painful road to rediscovery.

I wish this wasn’t something which was necessary but because of many factors both internal and external I am little more than a human shaped shell who has only the loosest of connections to past or even recent events. There is also the issue of understanding my own emotions and triggers. For me these things are little more than a inescapable feeling of dread because underneath it all there is something dark and dangerous.

How dangerous and in what way?

When I was younger, (teens and early twenties), I had several people express their fear of what I was capable of with one warning if push came to shove I would seriously hurt the person in question while another said simply, “Look at (his) eyes, (he) could kill you and never blink.” I sometimes wonder what was said when I wasn’t within earshot.

This isn’t something I’m proud of or have reason to brag about, I mention it now because this aspect of myself reared its ugly head today.

I would like to excuse it as a side effect of not having my depression meds for several days or being exhausted due to a lack of sleep but I feel that is all it would be, an excuse.

It is true I had very little sleep the night before thanks to my oldest making some bad decisions which kept me up until 2AM and I was annoyed to say the least, then there was an avalanche of small things later in the day which sent me into a melt down. I did manage to regain some control but the episode left me physically, emotionally, and mentally strained and exhausted. I still feel the tremors in my muscles and the stinging strain singing through my skin from head to toe. It also set off my blood pressure leaving me with a burning headache not to mention the spike in my anxiety and depression which has me feeling hollowed out.

The thing is, before I came out, before I got into therapy and on medication, this is how I was every waking moment, added with the constant swirl of chaos in my head, I was a time bomb waiting to go off . Now, even for a short time, I was right back there which proves how thin the veil over this dangerous darkness truly is. It’s a chilling truth to know.

Waiting for the walls to come down…

Today has been very difficult to say the least. I have been having trouble with both of our cars, (pretty much just two beaters with heaters). One is barely running, constantly wanting to die without any warning. The other we just managed to get running after having replaced the alternator ans a leaking oil sensor. Stupid me, I got ahead of myself and took it out today only to find out I needed to replace the power steering fluid after almost taking out a telephone pole, then had to refill the transmission fluid followed by almost blowing up the engine because I forgot to check the coolant and the radiator was bone dry. Add to all this nearly getting into several accidents because I wasn’t focused on driving.

At this point I am beyond giving up. Everything I touch falls to sh*t and the very air I breathe is turned to poison. I do everything wrong and hurt everyone around me.

All I can do to change now is break.