Nervous breakdown and mental breakdown are dated terms describing emotional or physical stress that temporarily makes someone unable to function in day-to-day life.
Over the past several months I found myself pushing little by little toward continuing to transition even when I believed I had finally given up. It was always something small, using my name instead of my birth name to set up an awards account at a store I rarely shop at, asking different doctors offices to use it as well and then the big one…
(I am trying to get Social Security disability because I am no longer able to work due to anxiety and PTSD. Though even in this I am having difficulty doing what they ask of me, just looking at the paperwork they sent sets off a panic attack…)
regardless, I made the point to request they use Kira instead of my birth name. While I understand the official paper work needs to have the old name, I made it clear I prefer to be addressed by my actual name and female pronouns.
So far everyone as been very understanding and accommodating for which I am very grateful.
So now I suppose I have a known alias…
Okay, After today I have had enough.
I know the majority of my writing on this blog has been centered on being transgender and transitioning, however I have many other issues I have been dealing with at the same time and unfortunately they often get mixed in with and interfere with my ability to make decisions regarding what is best for me and the path I need to take to become someone I can live with.
These past few months have been especially difficult because my depression has become almost unbearable. It has gone from a constant backdrop to an ever growing mountain. At this point my life has ground to halt, even the smallest things often take most of my energy and I am left exhausted. Dealing with transitioning is out of the question, even thinking about who I am brings on anxiety and suicidal ideation. Nothing so strong I can’t push through it, but again, exhausting and failure is a very real fear.
I am going to make an appointment with our family doctor and see what he recommends.
Hasn’t been a good day, depression, anxiety, and headaches. I’m at the point where I have to wonder why I started writing in the first place, which is pretty sad since I’ve been doing this for 6 years. I just don’t know if there’s anything left to say.
It feels as if I’ve reached the end of the road and there’s nothing here but a cliff at my feet and a bottomless pit beyond.
I’m not feeling well tonight, I’ll try to do a proper post tomorrow.
I’m not sure if I should be writing this, with the way my day has gone I am in a dark place. In fact, if I had to choose a picture to represent my state of mind it would be a dark, evil, cursed swamp…
I have been overwhelmed by anxiety, depression, and dysphoria. This wasn’t the only time I have had these feelings… I’ve had them pretty steadily since the beginning of the year but today it was more pronounced… to the point where I nearly became physically ill. I still feel like hell.
I did spend time talking with A and everything made sense to my head… it just hasn’t convinced my heart.
There are things I haven’t been writing about lately because the last time I did I offended someone. Now it may seem silly to let a single negative comment affect me, especially on my own blog, but it did… and still does. The main problem was I didn’t make it clear what I was feeling and then sharing was completely about me and was in no way intended to express my thoughts or feelings regarding anyone else. Many of the things which burrow through my brain never reach beyond my own skin. I have never looked at or listened to another trans person and had the same thoughts regarding them and I never will. So, if you read beyond this point then understand, these are issues I am dealing with and in no way reflect my feelings toward the trans community as a whole. My only hope is maybe someone will read this having had the same doubts and fears as I and will know they are not alone.
As of this writing I have not undergone any medical intervention, though I would like to start hormones at some point. Maybe taking that small step will help with all these issues. As it stands though, nothing has changed physically and it is constantly causing me problems.
Looking in the mirror, changing clothes, or showering are all constant reminder it doesn’t matter one wit how I see myself in my minds eye or how much I might wish, dream, scream or cry, my exterior does not and cannot reflect these things. It is then the dark voices in my head tell me “nothing has changed and it never will.” I will die being seen as I was in life. The name on my obituary will one I never wanted and didn’t truly belong to me regardless of how hard I tried to live up to expectations.
I understand I can socially transition. I can change my appearance, pronouns, even my name. Yet in the end I will have done nothing more than exchange one costume for another and I just can’t do it. It would be as hollow an existence as the one I am living now.
I cannot express how much this hurts. It is slowly tearing me apart from the inside out.
I have survived a number of complete breakdowns but I know there is coming a point where I will not come out the other side and there is a part of me which will welcome it with open arms.
God, I am so tired. Tired of being tired. Of the questions, the doubt, and fears. I am tired of the endless swirl of emotions, of wanting, dreaming, hoping… The endless fog of wishes and unanswered prayers. I am tired of hurting this much… all of the time.
More and more I have found myself thinking I just want all of this to end. I want to awake on day and all of this be a bad memory fading with the morning light…
But even this desire is denied me.