I have this feeling I’ve been floating in a glass bottom boat congratulating myself for not breaking the glass while the rest of the boat sinks around me.
Nervous breakdown and mental breakdown are dated terms describing emotional or physical stress that temporarily makes someone unable to function in day-to-day life.
Over the past several months I found myself pushing little by little toward continuing to transition even when I believed I had finally given up. It was always something small, using my name instead of my birth name to set up an awards account at a store I rarely shop at, asking different doctors offices to use it as well and then the big one…
(I am trying to get Social Security disability because I am no longer able to work due to anxiety and PTSD. Though even in this I am having difficulty doing what they ask of me, just looking at the paperwork they sent sets off a panic attack…)
regardless, I made the point to request they use Kira instead of my birth name. While I understand the official paper work needs to have the old name, I made it clear I prefer to be addressed by my actual name and female pronouns.
So far everyone as been very understanding and accommodating for which I am very grateful.
So now I suppose I have a known alias…
Okay, After today I have had enough.
I know the majority of my writing on this blog has been centered on being transgender and transitioning, however I have many other issues I have been dealing with at the same time and unfortunately they often get mixed in with and interfere with my ability to make decisions regarding what is best for me and the path I need to take to become someone I can live with.
These past few months have been especially difficult because my depression has become almost unbearable. It has gone from a constant backdrop to an ever growing mountain. At this point my life has ground to halt, even the smallest things often take most of my energy and I am left exhausted. Dealing with transitioning is out of the question, even thinking about who I am brings on anxiety and suicidal ideation. Nothing so strong I can’t push through it, but again, exhausting and failure is a very real fear.
I am going to make an appointment with our family doctor and see what he recommends.
Hasn’t been a good day, depression, anxiety, and headaches. I’m at the point where I have to wonder why I started writing in the first place, which is pretty sad since I’ve been doing this for 6 years. I just don’t know if there’s anything left to say.
It feels as if I’ve reached the end of the road and there’s nothing here but a cliff at my feet and a bottomless pit beyond.
I’m not feeling well tonight, I’ll try to do a proper post tomorrow.