2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 17,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 4 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

A Girl In A Strange Land

 

I recently read an article talking about being Transgender. The article itself was interesting, but it was one of the comments that really got me thinking.

The main thrust of the comment was that Trans people are like immigrants. 

Just as immigrants find themselves living in a land they cannot fully understand and which does not fully understand them, we too are surrounded by people who we cannot truly understand and who can never fully understand us. No matter how much we may have in common with one another, there will always be a point beyond which we remain alien to one another.

The example here is of someone who has fled their war torn country to one where the people have never experienced conflict first hand. There may be many commonalities, but they are meaningless when one gets down to life experiences.  How can a war survivor explain what it is like to live in constant fear of death, their death, the death of a friend or loved one. the death of a child, to someone who’s worst fear is being late to work? They may listen, they may want to understand, but the experience is forever beyond them. And then for the survivor, they will never be able to imagine a world which is seen as safe and secure, a world where pain, suffering, and death is not hidden just out of sight.

For those who have never questioned their gender identity, it is impossible to understand how or why someone would do so. To them the idea of questioning themselves in such a manner simply sounds crazy. After all, it’s just a matter of looking at yourself to see that your either male or female. As far as their concerned, it really is as simple as that.

For those who do question, who do see themselves as being the wrong sex, it is really impossible, deep down, to imagine a life where these questions have never been asked. A world free from the doubts, the confusion and pain. They may think about it, dream about it, but there will always be a point past which they cannot fully understand because it is beyond their experience.

A point at which they truly are strangers in a strange land.

More On Labels

 

When speaking of labels, I honestly think that the Transgender community has gone into overdrive as everyone seeks to find their place in the world. For some reason just being Trans isn’t enough, they need something more, which I will honestly say, I just don’t understand.

For those who are wondering just what Transgender means, I’ll throw in some definitions;

 

From Merriam-Webster:

Transgender

: of, relating to, or being a person who identifies with or expresses a gender identity that differs from the one which  corresponds to the person’s sex at birth.

 

Wikipedia has a great deal to say on the subject, but I’ll stick to the definition:

Of, related to, or designating a per on whose identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender roles, but combines or moves between these.

People who were assigned a sex, usually at birth and based on their genitals, bit who feel that this is a false or incomplete description of themselves.

Non-identification with, or non-presentation as, the sex (and assumed gender) one was assigned at birth.

 

Now tell me, isn’t that a lot of descriptive words already?

I don’t know about anyone else, but at this point in my life, I think that is enough to keep me thinking about myself for some time.

 

You know something? In reading through wikipedia, I realize that they pretty much threw everything into one basket with no regard to how to things fit together or if they fit at all. Which seems to be how a lot of people view this issue.

If we want to promote understanding and tolerance, we need to keep things straight forward and simple. Make it too confusing and people won’t be interested in learning and through learning find understanding.

It may be hard for people to understand, but Joe Public isn’t interested in the difference between Bigender, Pangander, and Genderqueer. They have enough trouble understanding why a man would want to be woman, never mind figuring out the subtler points.

(You might note that for some reason, people are more accepting of Female to Male Trans people than Male to Female, but that is for another post).

 

The Transgender Umbrella:

The Transgender Umbrella is used to describe the effect of the term Transgender as a way to describe individuals who do not fit into the Gender binary. That is anyone who questions their gender assignment as given at birth. That is wide spread of people and ways of expression.

Where I take issue with the information I have found is where Intersex people are included.

I’m not saying that interest people can’t also be Transgender, of course they can, just like any other segment of the population. What I am saying is they do not need, or necessarily want, to be included. After all, you are talking about a biological issue, not a gender issue and trying to force them into the same status as people who were born without any intersex issues is not only unfair, but disingenuous.

If they wish to include themselves, fine, I have no issue with that, but it is no ones place to force them into a group to which they do not feel they truly belong.

By he same token, I would not want to see Transgender people who are not intersex try to usurp the place of people who are.

If I’m off base here, feel free to tell me how.

On Transexuals. I really believe they are on a different level than those who are not transitioning. There is no doubt that they have a place when discussing Transgender issues, but I think they have a right to decide for themselves how they wish to identitify. Clearly if one is speaking just of gender questioning, of feeling that they are seen as the wrong gender, then they have every right to claim to be Transgender. But for some it seems that they wish to maintain being Transsexual in leu of Transgender and that is their right.

I might note that from certain professional publications I have seen referenced, Transsexuals and Transgender people are seen as two distinct groups.

 

Okay, I think it best to end here. I can go into the different labels people use to describe themselves in a different post. 

Thank you for reading. Please feel free to add your thoughts in the comments.

Back Up and Moving

I’m not sure what had me feeling off yesterday, but I stayed home from work and got some rest. Now, though I don’t feel 100%, I do feel much better. 

Maybe I need to start eating better….

One good thing about being forced to slow down is that I had the chance to read some blogs that I haven’t had time to dive into the way they deserve. So now I have some things I want to write about that I will be getting into over the next several days. Keep your fingers crossed that I put together a new post that make sense and that the universe gives me just enough peace and quiet to finish it.

I also want to thank all the people who sent me such wonderful comments yesterday and today. Your thoughts and words really brought my spirits back and I want you to know how much I appreciate it!

Morning Thoughts

 

It is early morning and I find myself wide awake…

Again.

Seems that any more I can’t sleep more than three or four hours at a time. Often I consider myself lucky to get that much. It will be changing this Fall, but for now, I have to take what I can get.

One thing about being up this early in the morning is that I have time to sit and think, though I usually try to distract myself with some music and reading, unfortunately, its been a slow news day. Even the many blogs I follow have been mostly quiet. That happens when people actually have lives off line. 

For me, this is where I live. 

It is where i am allowed to be myself. To be honest with the world, honest with myself. 

It is where, even for a short time, I am free.

If there is one thing I envy about people, it is their ability to just be free to be themselves in the real world. If I had been born a biological woman, I too would be free to be myself and no one would think it strange.

Of course, if I really was the man my body says I should be, I imagine then I too would be free to be myself and no one would think it strange.

There are times I find that I wish that I was genetically female presenting as male… I don’t know if that is even possible, but if it were, I would be satisfied with that, even though for all intents and purposes it wouldn’t change the truth of my situation, it would give me a reason for being what I am. I wouldn’t find myself wondering why I am different, why I have the thoughts and feelings that I do. Why when I look in the mirror I can’t see the person I know myself to be. 

Have I ever said how much I hate my reflection? 

In truth, I have never been comfortable with this body. At first I thought it was just the whole body image thing, now I’m not so sure it is that simple. Not that it matters really, this is what I have and there is nothing I can really do about it, even the best doctors in the world can do only so much, even if I had the resources to get every procedure ever invented.

I have a bad habit of reading gender bender manga… not the extreme stuff, I do have limits. But just stories about boys who live as girls for whatever ridiculous reason. I all too often wish it were as simple as the story makes it out to be, you know, everyone knows that the “girl” is really a boy but they don’t care, don’t think it strange, and are fully accepting. All those things that will never happen in the real world in my life time. Of course, all the characters are young and cute and can pass with no effort at all… Yeah, as if!

Movies aren’t much better, and forget about television. 

The thing is, having the fantasy makes reality harder to take. People can be so mean, so cruel. They are judgmental and spiteful. No one seems to think much about how they might feel if it were they who had to deal with the hatred. 

The “Golden Rule”… more the “Golden Joke”…. no one ever treats others as they want to be treated, they seem to think they should be placed on a pedestal while they treat everyone they see as “different” like subhuman animals, or as the brunt of jokes and ridicule. 

It’s disgusting.

Call me naive, but i just can’t understand how someone can think that way. I can’t understand how it is possible to hate someone just because they don’t see things the same way I do, because they don’t like the same things I do, because they want to live life in ways that I don’t. 

That makes as much sense as hating someone because of the food they like to eat, or the books they read or the music they listen to.

Should I hate anyone who likes to eat beets? Personally I hate the things, I think they are disgusting, but I’m not going to hate someone just because they eat the things. If that is what you like, fine, you can have mine too because I’m sure not going to eat them!

Should I hate anyone who liked “American Pie”? I tried to watch that movie and I thought it was stupid and juvenile. I couldn’t watch more than about ten minutes of it and I thought my brains were going to run out of my ears. 

Should I hate you because you never read “Alas, Babylon”? Because you did but couldn’t stand it?

Should I hate you because you listen to Rap music?

Of course not!

That would be ignorant and pointless. 

Yet people think it’s acceptable to hate people for the god they believe in, for who they love, the color of their skin.

How are any of those things different? How can it make sense to hate someone I don’t even know, have never met? Why, because they aren’t just like me?

There are people who hate me because I don’t fit neatly into the male/female roles they think I should. They hate me because I don’t wear the correct clothing. 

These are people who have never met me, will never know me. They will never sit down over coffee and have a discussion with me. They will never know my thoughts, my feelings. Yet they will hate me. 

Tell me, how can any sane person say that makes any sense at all?

No Turning Back Now

 

Well, things took another step forward today. I was contacted by the owner of the therapy group that I hope to get into. She was very understanding and agreed that I should at least do a consult. She even mentioned a support group that she thinks I might be able to join and she is going to check for me. I have some things that need to be checked before I can schedule an  appointment, so I’m waiting to hear back… hope I have some news soon.

Again, I have to say that the further things move along, the more nervous I get. This is something i never thought I would actually do…. at this point I have the shakes so bad I have to keep getting up because I can’t hold the mouse or type well enough to make complete sentences.

I have to say, speaking to another person about this was nerve racking. Although I have written about this all through this blog, it is such a different experience to speak the words out loud. To tell someone I have never met this secret. Don’t get me wrong, the person I spoke to was very kind and understanding and didn’t seem bothered in the least. She also recommended that I see one of the female therapists without being asked. I thought that was very nice. The thought of trying to talk to a man about this wasn’t something I could ever consider.

The funny thing is, despite everything, I feel rather relieved. As I said, things seem to be moving forward. Such a nice change from the up and down way of things as I’ve tried to work though this pretty much alone. I guess that in the end trying to deal with all my other issues on top of this has just been more than I can handle. That I have managed to deal with my episodes of depression, even when they got to a dangerous point, is a miracle. Though maybe, just maybe, had I been seeing someone for that alone I might have avoided the truth about myself. I don’t know if I could have admitted any of this to myself, let alone anyone else, (even a therapist), is a question I will never be able to answer. The fact is that my repressing this likely caused or at least aggravated my depression, even knowing that, I don’t know if I could have told, especially if I was seeing a male therapist. 

No matter what, there is really no turning back now… though to be honest, I think I passed that point the moment I let myself admit the truth of who I am…

Talking About Myself

Has anyone else tried to look back at who they were before they came out? I have just to get a sense of where I was compared to where I am now, and you know what? I can’t do it.

I have a boatload of memories of course, but as I get closer to the night I broke down, they get pretty fuzzy until they become an indecipherable blur. That isn’t what I’m really talking about though. I mean emotionally. 

I tried to step back and look at what I was feeling in those last days and weeks, even months and I find that there is a blank there. I simply cannot connect with those emotions. It’s like who I am now is so far removed from that other person that we simply cannot connect at all.

I don’t understand what he was feeling, why he was feeling that way, or what his thought process was. Again, I have some of the memories but it’s like years of my life have all but vanished into a smear where everything is jumbled and disconnected.

<Sigh> I know I’m not making much sense here, it is such a strange feeling that it hard to describe. It’s like watching a movie for the hundredth time, you know the lines, you remember the scenes, and your pretty sure you remember the actors, but there is no real connection at all. No emotion, everything seems strangely flat and well. poorly written. Whats worse is that you know your the writer, the director, and the actor and still your left wondering what’s happening and what were you thinking when you wrote this mess?

Really, did that help explain things at all? I hope so…

I know that in the weeks following my life and mind were a jumbled mess that was racing along at a thousand miles an hour and i can at least go back and read those old posts and gain some understanding of what I was doing, and why, but from before? It’s like trying to understand an alien life form.

And I’m talking about myself here…

I Hate Scrambled Eggs

 

I took a step forward today.

I finally contacted the therapy group here in town to inquire about their services; I’m waiting to hear back from them to see if they provide the service I need.

I won’t kid you, I’m scared to death. I have never talked to a complete stranger about what’s going on with my gender issues and the very idea of it fils me with dread. I know that these feelings are silly, that I am seeking to talk to a professional. That doesn’t stop something deep inside from insisting that I am making a terrible mistake.

Maybe it is the fact that I have had to hide for so long, keeping the truth of who I know myself to be safe from view. Maybe it was knowing that letting anyone see the true me would lead to nothing but pain.

Whatever the reason, I find that I am getting almost physically ill at the very thought. 

One thing I wasn’t expecting was in filling out the contact form I had to put down my name. I started to put down “Kira” without thinking about it. I had to backtrack and use my male name. I was afraid that they would think I was trying to prank them if I didn’t. What surprised me was how ambivalent I was about writing that name. It is a name I have to use every day, and often do so without too much thought, but that has changed.

This is what I was going to write about today, before I took the plunge and started the process I hope will lead to me talking to a therapist, that fact that when I woke up this morning it hit me that I can’t clearly remember the last time I thought of myself in terms of “his” name. I know it was some time last week, but I can’t recall the reason it happened or what day it was. I have been thinking only in terms of my real name. Thinking in terms of who I am now, not who I was. I am thinking in terms of the real me, not the facade I have been wearing.

In some ways this scares me a bit, the loss of that comfort zone I worked so hard to build and maintain, but that isn’t who I really am and I cannot continue with the lies any more. It is sort of disturbing and confusing because in my public life I have maintain that other persona. 

I know that now I am going to have to watch myself but for different reason from before. 

It makes me feel almost like I’m now living in a parallel universe where every thing is switched. Where before I had to watch and make sure I kept my female side hidden, now I have to watch and make sure I maintain a visible male side. 

It may seem like the same thing, but it isn’t. The focus is different. The thought process is different. The concerns are different.

I don’t know, this is really hard to explain in a way that makes any sense, even to me.

Honestly, my brains feel like scrambled eggs…. and I hate scrambled eggs…

Pride and Confidence

 

The past several days have been a “down” time for me, I would say it was a bout of depression, though it was no where near as bad as I have had in the past. Maybe a deeper form of the blues in that it didn’t last for weeks or months which I have had happen in the past. No, this I think, was more a matter of finding that for every step forward I have tried to take I have found some obstacle in my path. Some I have managed to over come but a building list of others are proving to be much more difficult to over come. 

I could make of list of those things that I find personally vexing, but really that’s kind of pointless. The thing that matters is that I cannot let these things drag me down. I cannot live my life looking at things from the viewpoint of the defeated or I have lost the battle already.

It was realizing that fact that helped me to pull of out of my mood, to take a breath and get my bearings. For me it was like flipping the page of a book. It was not a major change, but an understanding. 

I can let this beat me down, I can let the challenges I face become mountains I can never cross. The truth is, these are things I can do if I choose to do so. On the other hand I can choose to hold my head up high, to have pride in myself and confidence in who I am. It is my choice to be defeated or to rise to the challenge of living this life.

I don’t know where I heard this, but I remember a saying that rings true to me today; “The first time you give up is the hardest, then it gets easier to give up again and again until you quit trying all together.”

Things aren’t going to get easier, life isn’t easy, but to give up should never be an option that I willingly accept. 

Rough Patch

 

I have run into a bit of a rough patch these past couple of nights, as sometimes happens, my depression and darker thoughts come bubbling to the surface and I am left emotionally and physically drained.

It is true that over all, these times are becoming less frequent and not as deep as in the past, but there are still times when I am overwhelmed. 

These past months writing this blog have been the first times in my life that I had an outlet for these feelings. Always before I had to work through everything alone, in my own mind. That of course makes it doubly difficult to break out of the downward spiral that leads to a place I would just as soon not go. 

Last night I found myself in the dark place, looking into the abyss and knowing that it was looking back at me.

As I said, any thoughts about what I might do have been and are pushed to some future date. That is one of the ways I not only keep my sanity, but also keep thoughts from turning into action. I have obligations. I have promises made to others that I will not abandon. It may very well be that these are the only things keeping me from doing something I can’t take back.

One thing I have come to see is that my depression and gender issues are tied together. Not that being TG somehow triggered the depression, it might very well be that I would still be dealing with that even if there were no other issues, but dealing with my identity has added a level of  stress that has had an affect. It is my hope that as I work through these issues the frequency and severity of my episodes of depression will lessen.

Until then I will just have to fight my way through, remembering that there are others who count on me keeping my promises and by keeping those promises, I will live to fight another day.