It is early morning and I find myself wide awake…
Seems that any more I can’t sleep more than three or four hours at a time. Often I consider myself lucky to get that much. It will be changing this Fall, but for now, I have to take what I can get.
One thing about being up this early in the morning is that I have time to sit and think, though I usually try to distract myself with some music and reading, unfortunately, its been a slow news day. Even the many blogs I follow have been mostly quiet. That happens when people actually have lives off line.
For me, this is where I live.
It is where i am allowed to be myself. To be honest with the world, honest with myself.
It is where, even for a short time, I am free.
If there is one thing I envy about people, it is their ability to just be free to be themselves in the real world. If I had been born a biological woman, I too would be free to be myself and no one would think it strange.
Of course, if I really was the man my body says I should be, I imagine then I too would be free to be myself and no one would think it strange.
There are times I find that I wish that I was genetically female presenting as male… I don’t know if that is even possible, but if it were, I would be satisfied with that, even though for all intents and purposes it wouldn’t change the truth of my situation, it would give me a reason for being what I am. I wouldn’t find myself wondering why I am different, why I have the thoughts and feelings that I do. Why when I look in the mirror I can’t see the person I know myself to be.
Have I ever said how much I hate my reflection?
In truth, I have never been comfortable with this body. At first I thought it was just the whole body image thing, now I’m not so sure it is that simple. Not that it matters really, this is what I have and there is nothing I can really do about it, even the best doctors in the world can do only so much, even if I had the resources to get every procedure ever invented.
I have a bad habit of reading gender bender manga… not the extreme stuff, I do have limits. But just stories about boys who live as girls for whatever ridiculous reason. I all too often wish it were as simple as the story makes it out to be, you know, everyone knows that the “girl” is really a boy but they don’t care, don’t think it strange, and are fully accepting. All those things that will never happen in the real world in my life time. Of course, all the characters are young and cute and can pass with no effort at all… Yeah, as if!
Movies aren’t much better, and forget about television.
The thing is, having the fantasy makes reality harder to take. People can be so mean, so cruel. They are judgmental and spiteful. No one seems to think much about how they might feel if it were they who had to deal with the hatred.
The “Golden Rule”… more the “Golden Joke”…. no one ever treats others as they want to be treated, they seem to think they should be placed on a pedestal while they treat everyone they see as “different” like subhuman animals, or as the brunt of jokes and ridicule.
Call me naive, but i just can’t understand how someone can think that way. I can’t understand how it is possible to hate someone just because they don’t see things the same way I do, because they don’t like the same things I do, because they want to live life in ways that I don’t.
That makes as much sense as hating someone because of the food they like to eat, or the books they read or the music they listen to.
Should I hate anyone who likes to eat beets? Personally I hate the things, I think they are disgusting, but I’m not going to hate someone just because they eat the things. If that is what you like, fine, you can have mine too because I’m sure not going to eat them!
Should I hate anyone who liked “American Pie”? I tried to watch that movie and I thought it was stupid and juvenile. I couldn’t watch more than about ten minutes of it and I thought my brains were going to run out of my ears.
Should I hate you because you never read “Alas, Babylon”? Because you did but couldn’t stand it?
Should I hate you because you listen to Rap music?
Of course not!
That would be ignorant and pointless.
Yet people think it’s acceptable to hate people for the god they believe in, for who they love, the color of their skin.
How are any of those things different? How can it make sense to hate someone I don’t even know, have never met? Why, because they aren’t just like me?
There are people who hate me because I don’t fit neatly into the male/female roles they think I should. They hate me because I don’t wear the correct clothing.
These are people who have never met me, will never know me. They will never sit down over coffee and have a discussion with me. They will never know my thoughts, my feelings. Yet they will hate me.
Tell me, how can any sane person say that makes any sense at all?