Knowledge, understanding, acceptance, forgiveness.
Are these the steps to finally coming to peace with yourself? Coming to peace with your thoughts, memories, emotions?
I find myself wondering what it means to accept myself.
This is something i am told that I need to do.
“You have to accept the truth about yourself.”
What “truth” is that?
How do I know when I have achieved it?
In figuring out what questions I think I need to answer to figure this out I have come up with the following information that I cannot dispute;
I have physical, phycological, and emotional scars. I know where some came from, others I do not, but they are there.
I have lived with depression and suicidal thoughts from at least the age of ten.
I have have either cross dressed or thought/dreamed/fantasied about doing so since the age of ten or eleven.
I have thought of being a girl/woman since about the same age.
I have on more than a few occasions wished/dreamed/begged to wake up and be a real girl/woman.
I have been a girl/woman as my dream self.
I have wanted desperately to be included in the groups of women I have found myself around, I have wanted to be part of the conversation, part of the unspoken sisterhood that they enjoy.
I know that if I could take a pill, make a wish, be part of an experiment, that would allow me to change genders, I would do so without hesitation even if it might kill me or I could never change back.
When I finally broke and admitted my feelings I felt as if a ten ton weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
These are all things I have long known about myself. I cannot deny them any more than I could deny having blue eyes.
Where are the questions?
Well it is in how I react to some things.
I don’t feel any change in myself while wearing women’s clothing. I enjoy wearing them, I enjoy the way I look in them after all it allows me to have a physical connection to the way I see myself inside, but really, when you cut everything else away, I feel the same as I do while wearing mens clothing. I am still me, that’s all, nothing more. There is no “charge” or excitement.
Wearing make up does nothing more than improve my looks a bit, because honestly, I don’t see myself as very attractive and no amount of make up is going to change that.
Even when dressing stealth I feel that the things I am wearing are really nothing at all, I have the right to be wearing them, they are the things I have no reason to not be wearing.
I know that when I look in the mirror I see a face that doesn’t really belong to me. Yes, it is the face that I have worn all my life, but it’s more like a bad joke, like I someone came along while I was sleeping and glued this face over my real one.
Having male “parts” isn’t something I find distressful, I would rather be a physical female, but I can live with what I have. I guess that I have had this body long enough that I’m simply use to it.
The hardest part of this is not seeing any change in myself. Because to this point everything has been internal… changes in the way I think about things, the way i feel about things, and even those couldn’t be called major. There haven’t been any large scale shifts in the way I seem to see myself in my minds eye, when I just let myself drift, I don’t notice any real difference in the way things work.
There are no physical reference to mark any change. There isn’t any effects of hormones or surgeries that I can point to and say, “There! There is proof I have made these changes!”
Just how am I suppose to be different from before?
How can I tell if there has really been a transition? How can I tell what is the “new” me and what of the “old” me is gone?
It is not having any markers to show my progress, or lack there of, that I am having such a problem with. How am I suppose to know that all of this isn’t just in my head? Maybe I’m just plain out crazy…
Heh… I guess as long as I think things might just in my head, then I haven’t accepted myself….