Experience, Gender, Gender Expression, Gender Identity, Information, Kira, Life, MtF, Opinion, Personal, Questioning, Thanks, Thoughts, Transgender

Am I Missing Something? (Update)

First off let me say I am not complaining, I am however, a little confused. Maybe different eyes will see what ever it is I seem to be missing when I look at myself. Now, I do admit to being critical of my appearance especially when I’m ‘al natural.’ The truth is I expect to be greeted with male pronouns and generally treated like a guy whenever I go out like this. What still throws me a little is being treated as a woman and addressed with female pronouns. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve pretty much given up on the idea of ‘guy mode’ vs ‘girl mode’, I act pretty much the same no matter how I think I am presenting.

Having just said all of this…

I went to Costco again today and again I was walking. First off a gentleman I didn’t know started taking to me after he had caught up to me, and while he didn’t use female pronouns, I had the distinct impression he thought he was speaking to a woman. Then in the store, I was greeted with female pronouns, and seriously, I have noticed women treat me differently, greet me differently, and just seem to be more open and relaxed around me than I ever remember.

Maybe I’m making more of this than it really is. Maybe it nothing more than wishful thinking on my part, but I’m including a picture of how I went out today. (It isn’t the greatest, but my middle boy took it of me so please be kind.) 🙂

IMG 0492

So you tell me, guy? girl, neither?

Oh, and this was all after being mistaken for A on the phone this morning…

IMG_0495

Add this one with my ‘enhancers’ which give me an A cup. I wasn’t wearing them earlier though…

Advertisements
Standard
Bigender, Cross Dress, Dysphoria, Gender, Mtf, Transgender

Not A Good Day

NewImage

 

Okay, this is my second try at getting this post written. I make no promises on how intelligent it will prove to be as I am still rather irritated with myself… anyway, let’s give this a shot…

 

I have reached a point where I really need to understand just what is at play in my mind. I have been pretty much all over the place in my thoughts on my own self image and how I want and need to express myself. Things would be much clearer if I could say I was wanting to fully express myself as female. That isn’t the case of course, nothing so straight forward and simple for this girl… oh no.

Instead I find I need to maintain and be able to express my male side as well. In fact, if I were to try and go full female, I would find myself in pretty much the same straights as before, just from the other side of the fence.

What the hell am I thinking?

Anyway, this has caused me no end of grief to say the least. I find I have a very powerful desire to have the world see me as I am here… as female. Does that make an ounce of sense?

When I sit down behind this computer, I do a complete flip to female in my head… what’s more, I can take a moment, and as long I don’t have a reflection to mess with me, I can even feel myself as female… every last ounce of me makes this shift…. In these moments, I am myself in all my messed up, confused glory.

By the same token, I can quickly shift into the male… 

God, I am such a mess…..

And you know what the annoying part is? Even wen I am in full “boy mode” I often find I feel like a a girl pretending to be a boy while wearing her big brothers clothes…. What’s up with that?

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have never really felt like a “real boy” more like Pinocchio’s little sister, but really… I have had to be a “man” long enough you would think I had this worked out by now.

What I find so messed up about all this is what I spoke of in my last post… When I just let things settle out on they’re own, my mind naturally tends toward a feminine frame. As I have mentioned before, I can fall back into a place where I can imagine my face and body reflect a feminine nature to the point where even my face feels feminine to me. 

Now how can I possible reconcile these facts?

I have no clue… maybe I’m just plain nuts. Someone needs to call the nice men in the white coats.

Standard
Bigender, Cross Dress, Gender, Mtf, Transgender

Upset and Confused

I am writing this before I finally give up and go to bed.

I was in a good mood until a few minutes ago. All it took was one comment to completely ruin my mood. I know I shouldn’t let things like that get to me, but I took it as a slap in the face.

Apparently the byline I have been using ” Becoming the WOMAN I was meant to be”, is now confusing given what I now know about how I am thinking about myself and what I have shared on the blog. It was “suggested” that I might want to change it. And I did.

My question is this. given that I now feel that I am, at the least, gender fluid or whatever the hell people are calling it today, and not Transsexual, does that mean I no longer have the right to think of myself as trying to become a woman, in spirit, in soul, even if not in body?

From the start of this, I knew deep down that I am more female than male.

I have wanted to work through all the crap that has built up in my mind and in my heart so that I could find that core truth.

The thing is, I am not totally a woman in my mind, there is still a great deal of the old male there and I cannot deny that he exists. Every day I find that I can live with this body, that I do not hate it to such an extent, that even with cosmetic, superficial changes, I cannot live unless I undergo extensive, dangerous, and expensive surgery which I could never afford no matter how much I might want it.

Even if I was fully transsexual, even if I suffered dysphoria to such an extent that death was the only option besides GRS…

I couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

I would still be trapped in a male body.

Only life would then be a thousand time more difficult.

Below is part of my response:

I know that I am not Transsexual, I know that I won’t undergo GRS. That was never really an option for me given the cost, but in the end, I am more woman than man. My way of thinking, my way of seeing the world and myself is more from the female side of things than it ever was from the male. In my minds eye I see myself as a woman. In my dreams I see myself as a woman.
The only thing is, I have accepted living in a male body. I don’t necessarily like the reality, but I accept it.
Does that make my quest to embrace the female inside any less valid?
Can I no longer claim that side of me, the real and true side of me?
Is everything I have fought so hard to achieve invalid?
Understand, I must be able to live two lives, I must be able to present two sides to the world. I have come to understand this, I have no choice.
Again, does this make my womanhood a lie?

I’m sorry, I am so upset.

This really tears at my heart and I just don’t know what to think anymore.


Standard
Gender, Transgender, Transgendered

I Don’t Know

Girl crying2

 

There a dozen things I should be doing at this moment, but I have to write something, anything. I have to try and make a connection to myself… it seems to have slipped away, at least for the moment and I am at a loss.

This morning I had a panic attack… I have never had one before as far as I can remember, and so help me, i hope to never have one again…

I had to lie to A and tell her i thought my blood sugar was low…. it was and didn’t help matters, but I don’t think that was the cause.

The truth is I feel that my feminine side is out of reach and I have fallen back into my male persona… I’m not sure I can even describe things properly. My thoughts have all become muddled and my outward actions have been decidedly male. I don’t know, I just can’t  seem to stop myself. 

No matter how hard I try to reach within myself I am running into an ocean of numbness. I just can’t find those thoughts, those feelings that have been a part of me for months now. That understanding of what I should be, who I should be.

I keep getting the shakes and my thoughts are unfocused, I just can’t find the center I had before.

I don’t know what I am going to do.

Standard