Talking About Myself

Has anyone else tried to look back at who they were before they came out? I have just to get a sense of where I was compared to where I am now, and you know what? I can’t do it.

I have a boatload of memories of course, but as I get closer to the night I broke down, they get pretty fuzzy until they become an indecipherable blur. That isn’t what I’m really talking about though. I mean emotionally. 

I tried to step back and look at what I was feeling in those last days and weeks, even months and I find that there is a blank there. I simply cannot connect with those emotions. It’s like who I am now is so far removed from that other person that we simply cannot connect at all.

I don’t understand what he was feeling, why he was feeling that way, or what his thought process was. Again, I have some of the memories but it’s like years of my life have all but vanished into a smear where everything is jumbled and disconnected.

<Sigh> I know I’m not making much sense here, it is such a strange feeling that it hard to describe. It’s like watching a movie for the hundredth time, you know the lines, you remember the scenes, and your pretty sure you remember the actors, but there is no real connection at all. No emotion, everything seems strangely flat and well. poorly written. Whats worse is that you know your the writer, the director, and the actor and still your left wondering what’s happening and what were you thinking when you wrote this mess?

Really, did that help explain things at all? I hope so…

I know that in the weeks following my life and mind were a jumbled mess that was racing along at a thousand miles an hour and i can at least go back and read those old posts and gain some understanding of what I was doing, and why, but from before? It’s like trying to understand an alien life form.

And I’m talking about myself here…

Forgiveness

 

I have reached what is proving to be the most difficult time I have had up to this point. 

On one hand I find that I am struggling to understand what I should do now. I feel like I’m stuck in neutral, going nowhere. On the other I’m trying to understand where I should be going when and if I manage to get moving again.

At this point, I really don’t have that feeling of constant conflict that I had in the beginning. Really it has become a matter of working through my emotions, though there have been plenty of times of confusion and the occasional times when I have found my self falling back into “boy mode” and getting angry with myself.

Over all I think I am confused of the matter of what “Transition” means for me. I know that for so many it means seeking to change physically and in that case, they have obvious points of reference by which they can judge where they are at. It becomes much more difficult when the changes I’m seeking are mental. 

I have already experienced a hugh shift in the way I think about myself. The name I refer to myself, the pronouns I use in my internal dialog, and yes, the way I am trying to see myself in the mirror, (though that is very difficult). 

What I don’t understand is what other changes I should be aiming for. This is uncharted territory for me and though I have been doing a lot of looking online, no one has really talked about how their thinking changed and I haven’t found an online resource that addresses this. Maybe I’m just missing something.

 

Having said all that, one thing has changed, something that I know has been somewhere in the back of my mind for awhile…

Forgiveness.

In this I mean being able to finally forgive myself. To forgive myself from both sides of this whole thing.

To forgive the “boy” that I was. To forgive him for the choices he made when there weren’t any choices that he could make. He was there in the forefront for most of my life, taking the brunt of what the world dished out. He did the best he could and for that I am thankful.

I had to forgive him for keeping me in a box, locked and hidden from sight. Why it was done doesn’t matter anymore, I understand that he was doing what he thought was best when he didn’t know what else to do.

I also had to forgive her, that girl inside, who I am now in so many ways. I know that she could no longer remain in that box, that she couldn’t sit quietly any longer.

Now is her time.

I know that in coming out she has turned my life inside out, caused pain and confusion. That wasn’t her fault, it wasn’t her intention. It was just the way things had to happen.

In this understanding I know this. She has forgiven him, just as he has forgiven her.

 

I don’t want this to become too confusing. I have been and indeed am, both of these. They are me and I am them. In this I have to make peace with “him” who is my past just as I have had to make peace with “her” who is my present and my future.  

I cannot think of moving forward as long as I have regrets from my past, what happened, happened and I cannot change that, nor really should I want to. It is that past which brought me to where I am now.

I also cannot move forward as long as I look at where I am at this moment and blame “her” for what my life has become. She has always been there and I cannot deny her existence any more than I can deny the need to breath.

I don’t want to deny anything anymore, not to myself I don’t. It isn’t fair to myself to try and act like half of myself doesn’t exist. In fact, i couldn’t do so even if I wished.

And so I must forgive myself. 

And I do.

I want nothing more than to be at peace with myself. That is what forgiveness will give me.

Where will I go from here? As I said in the beginning, I don’t know. 

I just hope this is a step in the right direction.

 

 

Fears

 

My last two posts were really dealing with the same issue; fear. I’ll admit that in the end I am scared to death of facing myself. 

I am scared of invalidation.

I am scared that when I finally face myself in the reflection of someone else’s eyes, I will find that I am not what I have come to believe is true of myself. 

I imagine this is nothing new to all the others who have walked this path before me, I’m sure everyone has had doubts. Everyone has had those times when they look in the mirror and wonder what they have been thinking. After all, if you talk to most of the people around you, you will find that they have never had any of the thoughts or questions that have been driving you to distraction. I know that is where I am right now. I have asked questions, I have sought opinions, and I have looked for validation from those around me and have found that they, one and all, have never really even thought of the things that I have.

Never thought, fantasized, or dreamed of being the opposite gender, the thought never even crossed their minds,

They have never thought about dressing as the opposite gender other than as a joke for Halloween.. and most times not even then.

They have never really wondered if they were in the wrong body.

They could never imagine, even for a moment, waking up one day and being the opposite gender even for an hour.

They have never questioned if they thought or acted as the opposite gender. They never wanted to and if they did it would mean that they were acting “gay”, not as an actual member of the opposite gender.

When forced to consider gender roles they never wondered if they were in the wrong one.

The question is then, why do I think this way? Why do I ask myself these questions? Just what is wrong with me?

In trying to find answers, I have basically self diagnosed. Doing research online, looking to blogs and forums and web sites.

I have taken the stupid online tests that really don’t tell you anything that you don’t want to hear.

I have tried to question myself, my motivations, my memories, my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams.

I have, and continue to question everything, not to talk myself out of accepting who I am, but to know.. to know with as much certainty as I can, that what I believe to be true is indeed true.

I have lived one lie after another, after another until I am at a point where I simply do not trust myself. I don’t trust my feelings, my thoughts, my memories.

Nothing.

So in the end, I fear that I will be invalidated, that I will find that this is nothing more than another self deception. That I am the worst kind of liar… someone who can’t even be honest with herself.

But as I said, I can’t live in constant fear, I cannot refuse to face myself. To face the truth no matter what that truth might prove to be.

I have to know.

Once and for all, I have to know.

When I strip everything else away, this is the truth I cannot escape.

I am afraid.

I am terrified.

Of myself.

 

The Land of the Free?

 

There were two stories that came out that got me thinking. The first from RollingStone: Tom Gabel of Against Me! Comes Out as Transgender. The second from Thinkprogress: President Obama Endorses Marriage Equality.

The first, about Tom Gabel transitioning to become Laura Jane Grace has me asking the questions, will she be accepted? If so, why? If not, again why? With so many others out there going through the heart breaking decision on wether or not of even come out of the closet, never mind going through full transition, why is Laura’s story news worthy when others are not? Is is because she is in the public eye already? Is it because she has access to a prodigious news outlet and thus can get her voice heard? I don’t know the answers, but I believe it bears thinking about.

The second, President Obama finally takes a stand on marriage equality. In this, I have to ask, why is this even an issue? In a country that makes such a big deal about the separation of church and state, why is there even a debate over an issue that is so deeply rooted in religious beliefs? If we truly believe that one person doesn’t have the right to force their religious beliefs on others then a civil matter such as marriage as it relates to a persons rights should be legal regardless of who the people involved happen to be. Regardless of their race, gender, sexual orientation, or religion. I’m not saying that a church or denomination should be forced to perform those marriages if it goes against their beliefs, people can go to the courthouse. I will say that those same churches and denominations do not have the right to force their beliefs onto those who do not share them.

In a country that claims to be “The Land of the Free”, is is disgusting and disturbing that so many are anything but. 

I Am

I am a writer, a poet, and an artist.

I do not claim these titles because it something that I do. I claim them because they describe who I am.

When I sit down and begin to put words or lines onto paper, I am taking a part of myself and transferring it physical form. I don’t know that I do a good job of it or not. I don’t know if the words I write convey my thoughts and emotions in a way that others can relate to or find compelling in some way. I don’t know if I do a proper job of taking the pictures in my head and putting them down on paper or canvas in a way that is appealing.

It doesn’t matter. I have never have done these things for others, but for myself, because it is the only way in which I can express them. Even if no one ever sees a picture I have made or read one line that I have written, I had to make them.

This blog is much the same thing.

In truth I never expected anyone to read the things I have written here. I never expected anyone to care.

I am one small voice in a large world.

I know it sounds self serving, but it wouldn’t have mattered if my view count read zero, still I would post here. Still I would pour out whatever thoughts and emotions I had onto this screen. I have no more choice in that than I do in choosing to breath.

If your wondering, yes, today has not been one of my better days. It started well, I was looking forward to getting some things done and spending time working on a new poem, maybe taking a few new pictures. As so often happens though, something in my home life had other ideas and I have ended up sitting here trying not to break down in tears. The events of the day have not been dramatic in and of themselves, but they have been emotionally draining and have left me feeling like a failure on a number of levels.

So, here I am.

I am doing what I have so often done and sought relief in putting words to page. Forgive me for placing this burden on anyone who reads this.

For those who know me, it will come as no surprise to hear that I have music playing.

In this case it is my “Watercolors” playlist. The song playing right now is “You Don’t Believe Me” by The Alan Parsons Project.

That is how I feel so many times. That when I try to explain myself, no one believes me.

Thinking on it I realize that this is the very real fear that I have in seeking to talk to a therapist…. or any professional really.

That when I tell them what I feel, what I think, what I believe, they won’t believe me. That they will tell me that I’m making everything up. That my memories are false, nothing more than fantasies I created to make myself out to be something I’m not.

That I’m not Kira.

God that hurts just to think about.

That one sentence is…..

I don’t know what I would do if I hear those words.

A Mirror of Reality

I have mentioned that I wrote a story for a writing contest last year. The main character was able to switch between male and female, living much of her life male, but wanting nothing more than to live as the woman she knew she was. I began writing with a central scene in which she reveals herself to the person she loves. Needless to say, it doesn’t go well. In the end she decides that making this person happy was more important than her own happiness, so she makes an offer to return to her male persona.

Kira looked to where Anne was working in the kitchen, making a fresh pot of herbal tea. She knew in her heart that Anne had been shaken by the truth Kira represented, that the person she thought she knew, who she called her friend, was a lie. There was no getting around that fact as long as she saw a woman where a man had stood.

That she was in pain was obvious in the way she held herself, in the hesitant motions, her head low. This wasn’t what Kira had dreamed about when she had thought of this moment for all these years. She had never wanted to cause the person she loved this kind of anguish. She made her decision.

Moving to look out of the dining room window, she asked the one question she had to ask, that she feared to have answered.

“Do you want me to bring him back?”

Tears fell unnoticed as she stood silently awaiting her fate.

It’s strange how reality can mirror fiction. I find myself asking this same question.

Should I bring him back?

Should I allow myself to fade back into the background of his thoughts?

Is the cost of my reality too high?

I know that I have brought pain to those around me. How could I not when my presence make a lie of so many years? Am I worth that much pain?

I find I don’t have an answer.