I’ve been dealing with persistent depression for a long time and couldn’t figure out why. It hit me today that I’m disappointed in myself.
I know I’m being vague, but there are things I still need to get straight in my head before I try explain in more detail.
I have tried many times to put my thoughts down in a form which others could understand clearly. Unfortunately I have failed each time and I’m not sure this will prove to be any different.
The way I see my true self is a vision, an emotional knot, a hope, a dream, which has come into painful clarity at various moments in my life before it fades back into the obscurity of my sub conscience. A momentary spark which slips like sand through my fingers the tighter I try to hold on.
There are many reasons for this, some I’m sure lie squarely on me, others are the result of the scars I wear. Fear, uncertainty, and doubt stain my skin while their poison seeps into my heart.
There are those in my life who would tell you much of who I am now is a result of my past and though I cannot deny it with any conviction, I also accept those things happened long ago, to another person, and I cannot pass off responsibility for what I have done (and continue) to do to myself.
The point of all of this is to say I have been at a point where I just can’t see continuing to transition. There isn’t a point if, when all is said and done, I cannot find any happiness within myself. Changing the outside without the inside is a recipe for disaster and only assures there will be needless pain for everyone around me.
I’m at a point I never expected to be again. From as far back as I can remember I would have moments of clarity where I knew exactly who and what I was, but soon the sharpness would begin to dull and soon my heart would become filled with doubt until the memories would fade back into the misty recesses of my mind.
I suppose it would be bad enough, my true self slowly being siphoned away until only the pain, sorrow, doubt, and fear remain like oily stains. Unfortunately this is only one small part. Beyond this I also begin to seal my emotions and memories away. Even though I tend to be emotionally distant even at the best of times, it becomes exponentially worse.
Of course none of this really matters to anyone other than me except for hoping someone else will read it and understand simply transitioning will never be a cure for these, or indeed, any mental health issues I or they may be dealing with. In fact, there are countless small things which will continue to poke and prod regardless of how you live your life. In the end clothes are just clothes and what’s inside your head will be there regardless.
At this point I’m not sure where I am going or why, I only know I’ll never have true peace until I can come to terms with all of my underling issues.
At this point I’ll be glad to say goodbye to today. It didn’t seem to matter what I said or did, all I accomplished was making things worse.
Added to this is our town rolling up the sidewalks and pulling the blinds by dark. Everything shut down between six and eight and some nearby towns are even instituting a dusk to dawn curfew.
All this insanity, all the destroyed lives and livelihoods and just like all the other times, not a damn thing is going to change.
Spoke with my therapist this past Wednesday. Although I had some difficulty explaining what’s been going on, she understood well enough to have a suggestion,
Just try to make it through the week until my next appointment and concentrate on not hitting bottom.
I have been having some issues lately some of which I spoke to my counselor about but I need more time to work through things.
I will still post daily content, I’m just not sure when I will be ready to talk about more private issues.
What to do when you have an overwhelming sense of everything being wrong?
That what your heart tells you cannot be right?
I don’t know what to say or how to say it.
Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you try to avoid the darkness hiding just beneath the surface. A single slip and it pounces, wanting to devour your soul whole.