“Doubt and Denial” From: The Transition Channel – YouTube

Note: This is not an endorsement, I simply found this to be helpful.


From the description:

A lot of people who are asking, “Am I transgender?” are doing so from a place of doubt and denial.

Most of my first appointments with people involve talking about their doubts and denial. Deciphering what is valid and what is not valid is a challenge without the outside perspective of an expert for some people. Others it can be simple.

While the Dragon Sleeps

The other day, as I tried to rest, some thoughts slipped into my mind. Unlike so many thoughts and dreams these did not fade once I arose. 

First was knowing there will never be a pill, potion, or secret government lab which will transform this body into the form I desire. There will be no deal with the devil or god to reach down and answer my desires or prayers. What I have is what I have been given and I will take it to my grave.

Second to cross my mind was flashes of all the times wanting to be female coursed through my veins and I realized there was a recurring pattern. Much like a dragon from a fantasy story, this desire will rise up from its restless sleep and reign terror all over the unsuspecting land, upsetting lives and destroying everything in sight. Then one day, for what seems to be no reason at all, it would return to its hidden lair and fall to sleep once more. At first all anyone can think about is the dragon and if it will return but as time passes fears turn to stories, then legends, and then myth until it passes from memory all together…

Until the dragon awakes once more.

This last time, which has been going on for years now, is the longest I have struggled with the beast… then again, I have been constantly poking at it with a sharp stick.

Maybe not the smartest decision I ever made.


A Cold, Hard Mistress




There are times when the night speaks,
of whispered thoughts and half remembered dreams. When the moon, with subdued light, seems about to weep, it’s heart broken for lovers who never meet.
The world seems to hold its breath, even the air moving as if afraid to wake the dreamer.
It is then, when dawn is so far away, that Truth, that cold, hard mistress comes. When she, with mirror in hand, shows me what I cannot face and I am left to weep in the darkness.



Following my last post…

I realized something after I hit the “Post” button…

Yesterday I was asked a question; 

Is it possible that my gender issues stem from me rebelling against the “be a man” message I received from my father? 

I know it was asked in a genuine effort to find answers, but it has burrowed into my heart.

One question, just one, has completely destroyed my confidence and sent me questioning myself again, as if I haven’t doubted myself enough already. 

I don’t have an answer to this question. I wish I did. I wish I could say without doubt that these thoughts and feelings stem from the way I was made….. but I can’t.

If I can’t answer, what does that mean? 

I have asked before if all this might be in my head and nothing more than a fantasy run wild…

What do I do if that turns out to be the truth?

At this point all I want to do is crawl into bed, to have these past months be nothing more than one of those bad “it was just a dream” television seasons that I always hated so much. I just want to wake up and be like the people around me…

Yes, I will say it. Normal. 

Just a guy who doesn’t have questions as to what he is or what he was meant to be.

Just a guy….

What a complete and utter joke. It would be funny if it didn’t hurt so much.

I have never in my life known what it meant to be “normal” or a “guy”. 

I have always been on the outside looking in and I never really understood why. 

I thought maybe I had found at least part of the answer…. but now?

Now maybe I’m just crazy. Maybe my brian has never really worked correctly and I was finding all the “right” answers to all the wrong” questions.

I can’t tell you how many times I have thought I had figured something out only to find that I had no idea what the hell I was talking about.

Might it be I have done so again?