Time 

I’m beginning to think going back to a nine to five job may not be the best path for me. There are some personal reasons but more than them is the problems I’m beginning to have problems driving at night and I’m starting to be concerned it won’t be too much longer before it becomes unsafe.

Also I wonder if this isn’t a sign I need to step off the easier path and follow my heart. I have wanted to create art since I was a child but allowed fear to keep me from following my dreams. 

Maybe it’s finally time to trust myself.

In My Head

I’m not sure what to say any more. This week has left me so tired, all I want is to sleep.

Sitting here, I have ‘Into Dust’ by Mazzy Star playing in a loop.The slow, melancholy rhythm seems to fit my state of mind better than any of the other music in my library. 

As I listen, I know, deep inside, my strength is failing me. Then again, maybe I was never as strong as I wanted to believe.

I never wanted to be anything other than myself, even when I didn’t know who I really was… Yet, as we all know, the world rarely accepts such definitions, insisting instead we become the thing it has decided to mold us into.

I never see myself in other’s eyes.

Never hear my name on their lips.

They cannot see me.

They cannot hear me.

I am less than a ghost.

A apparition of thoughts, hopes, and dreams.

I do not exist because I cannot exist.

I have spent a lifetime hiding from the truth and now all which remains is the lie. You can see it. Hear it. Feel it.

No longer myself, I am lost.

 

I simply wish to rest.

To put aside the weight I carry, even if for just a moment.

One I dreamed of walking in the sun. To cast my own shadow across the world.

Foolish.

No one listens.

No one sees.

No.

One.

Cares. 

Tonight

Yes, I know. I have already posted twice for today but sometimes… Sometimes there is a weight on the soul, an unspoken need to say something, anything in those quiet moments when there is no one to listen or understand.

I had a feeling come over me tonight. It was one with which I am familiar. It is the weight of the night, when even the air seems to push against the skin in an almost comforting way. I have had this feeling many times before, surrounded by silence and solitude. They have happened at different times, most often at night when the darkness creates a roof over the world, when it seems there is an end to everything and your standing just there…

I have felt it when I would spend hours alone, simply riding by bike. There was no destination, no plans, no understanding. Just movement.

I felt it sitting at the skating rink, watching couples moving through the dim light, a love song playing though no one seemed to be listening.

When sitting under the shade of a tree, hidden by shadow. When I watched the world moving and I was unnoticed.

In the depth of the night, while the world slept and I imagined I was the last person on earth…

There is a sadness here, a lingering echo of loneliness. Yet I could stay here forever.

Have you tried to imagine eternity? An endless nothing. No thought. No feeling, just the cold passage of one breath after another…