This song echoes through my thoughts, heart and soul. It brings shivers to my spine and tears to my eyes.
Things have gone a little downhill so I’m not going to post anything more for today.
I’ll try to do better tomorrow.
Spent too much time today trying to untangle my thoughts so I could write something helpful and all I have to show for it is a headache.
I have wondered how many times I could get away with playing with fire. Then I wondered just how many times I would get burned and still not learn not to play with fire in the first place. Somehow I doubt I ever learned the answers. Then again, I doubt I would have listened to myself regardless.
I have lived long enough to have gone through most, if not all, of the possible excuses for refusing accept something I have suspected my entire life I would eventually have to face. Even when not doing so almost cost me my life.
Sitting here now I have to wonder just how sad it is that I would rather die than just be who I am and yet it is something I have done more than once.
It might be surprising to some to know I have been struggling with writing this post for months, maybe even years yet in the end I would do everything I could to avoid even thinking about any of this in a way which I could put into words and if that failed I would actually write until I ran ou thoughts and words, leaving nothing but raw emotions hanging in my head like a kicked hornets nest. Then I would delete it and find something relatively safe and post it instead.
Now I could blame all of this on ever increasing bouts of depression and anxiety wringing out every ounce of strength, leaving me unable to do anything other than simply function for one more day, and while this is true, I just can’t accept this as an honest answer because I know it’s a cop out. The truth is, more than anything, I am scared and it has been simpler to run away regardless of the price.
Now, I am uncertain where things might go from here and while I might hold some small hope I will be able to find a way forward but given my track record to this point, I can’t help but expect all of this to end badly and maybe that is as it should be.
I’ll end this little sob story here, I just can’t push myself any further. What little strength I had is gone and I no longer trust myself.
Not sure what’s going on but I’ve been having some issues today, both mental and physical. Nothing show stopping, just a little disconcerting.
Not a good day.
I’ve been racking my brain for hours now trying to write something which isn’t full of negative news, even with so much going on here in the states, and at this point I’m just overwhelmed.
I think I need to take some time to do something completely removed from anything dealing with trans issues or any of the other things which requires critical thought and just find something completely mindless so I can try to unwind and catch my breath.
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
It has been a long time since I last wrote something personal here, or anywhere really. I have been having trouble gathering my thoughts in a way I felt confident sharing, even when I did there was something deep and unsettled which would rise up and still my hand. Even now as I write this I can feel the resistance building yet I know I need to say something, anything is better than continued silence.
It might not be too surprising to know I have a bad habit of using my own lies to convince myself I am doing fine even when I know deep inside I’m not. Much as someone telling themselves they no longer need to take medicine because they feel better or believing their abuser when promised it will never happen again, even understanding the illness will return worse than before or it is only a matter of time until you find yourself bleeding and broken on the floor again.
I wonder, not for the first time, why I can’t just accept the truth. Why I need to continue to try and be some caricature of what I think those around me expect me to be instead of being true to myself. Maybe I just can’t accept anything which doesn’t bring me pain even though it is at my own hand.
Happiness has never been an easy weight on my shoulders and it might never be.
The term imposter syndrome dates back as far as the 1970s. One of its early introductions was in a 1978 article titled, “The Impostor Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention,” by psychologists Dr. Pauline R. Clance and Dr. Suzanne A. Imes. “Impostor syndrome is a set of beliefs that leave you feeling doubtful of your skills, ability, and whether you deserve to be at the table, and that you will inevitably be exposed as a fraud,” says Dr. Ayanna Abrams, Psy.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist and owner of Ascension Behavioral Health in Atlanta, GA.