Why is it so easy to accept negative thoughts and emotions without question then turn around and deny anything positive without any reflection whatsoever?
I started writing here as a way to help in attempting to bring some order to the chaos in my head. In the beginning I knew there were serious problems, but really, I didn’t understand anything.
Now all these years later, it seems as though I understand even less.
Social anxiety is the fear of social situations that involve interaction with other people. You could say social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being negatively judged and evaluated by other people. It is a pervasive disorder and causes anxiety and fear in most all areas of a person’s life. It is chronic because it does not go away on its own. Only direct cognitive-behavioral therapy can change the brain, and help people overcome social anxiety.
I have too many things fighting for space in my head right now.
Not in a very good place tonight, too much thinking and not enough drinking…
Not too far from where I am sitting now there is a town where I lived for several years as a child. Naturally many things have changed since then but I still have powerful memories of those years. In part because it was where I first realized there was something different about me, something unexpected, unsettling, and terrifying. It would become a life long secret, a never ending struggle, which shaped much of who I became, who I am now.
I moved when I was about to enter junior high and for a short time I thought I could be free to finally be myself but as many children of the 70s and 80s know, it was not to be. I knew what I should be.
Who I should be.
Yet it wasn’t to be.
It didn’t take long for the fears to return as I understood people are too much the same regardless of where you live and those who walked past me now wouldn’t except me any more than the ones I left behind. So I kept my secret held safely behind a mask and buried deep inside.
Regardless of all the years which have followed, it has always been this place, this time which has haunted me more than any other and now I have decided it is time to go back and face the past. I can’t say what triggered this but I know it is something I have to do. To walk those streets, to visit the places I still remember clearly and do so as myself. No masks, no filters. No hiding and no fear.
Yes, I went to my therapy appointment today. I’m not sure if it amounted to much other than resetting my sessions from every two weeks back to each week. As I mentioned to therapist, trying to go more than a week at a time seems to invite disaster in one form or another.
Today was mostly catching up. Going over my feelings of becoming emotionally unstable . It did help a little talking to someone face to face though I am left to worry about where things are going. Even though it has been some time since I last felt this way, I remember it all too well. Feeling as if I am walking on a knife edge, my nerves strung so tightly it makes my entire body vibrate. The smallest, simplest things will set my teeth on edge, peoples voices tearing across my senses like sandpaper on raw nerves.
It would be bad enough if this was all I had to deal with but it isn’t. Every moment I stop, regardless of the reason, a thousand other things crowd my mind, demanding energy I simply don’t have.
The additional stress comes from thinking about gender issues, what is right, wrong, which direction I should go if any at all. What happens if decided to not continue to transition? Could I survive? Are many of these issues related to having stopped at this point or is it the only thing keeping me from completely coming apart?
Regardless, I feel not having these things under some semblance of control is going to lead to a very bad ending. After all, while there are things transitioning will help with, it is not a cure all and expecting to wake up to a happily ever after is a recipe for disaster. I have to be able to understand and accept it for what it is… and what it is not.