Not Now

It hasn’t been a good day in a not very good week. I’ll try to do better tomorrow.

Kira

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Weekend Wind Down

I know I’m not where I need to be. I would say not where I want to be but I’m not sure where that is. Right now it feels as though I have fallen back into survival mode, just trying to make it from one day to the next… well, sometimes it’s one hour or even one second to the next. 

I talked with my therapist and she said what I knew deep down, I have to start pushing back on all the negative thoughts and emotions. I have to learn to not only think I have value, I need to reach the point where I believe it. Not such an easy thing to do when you have more than five decades of accepting such things as truth. A lifetime of having every moment judged and found wanting… A lifetime of defeating yourself with nothing more than a thought. Of being convinced all of your hopes and dreams are beyond your grasp because you’re not good enough… will never be good enough. I suppose despite everything there were some lessons I learned too well. 

I need to learn to trust myself, my thoughts and emotions. To be able to follow my heart where ever it leads. 

This is important for more reasons than just transitioning. It is the core of being happy with myself regardless of any other factors, after all, even if I were to become female from my atoms outwards I would still have these issues to deal with. I was never so foolish as to think estrogen was some magic drug which would make everything better.

This really hit me today after I met some more of my partners family for the first time in over twenty years.

This became something  important to me because it has been a long time since I did anything visible to be seen as female and though it has progressively bothering more and more I have done nothing to change course. I can give you a dozen excuses as to why but that is what they would be, excuses. The truth is I’m not sure what is going on deep inside myself. I’m sure much of it has to do with the things I talked about in the beginning of this post, but I also know I don’t trust myself and I don’t respect myself enough to try and gain that trust… and yet, the thought of anyone seeing me or knowing me as anything other than Kira makes me physically ill. It drive a darkness so deep into my heart I can barely catch my breath and so I told them. I showed them pictures. I spoke a little about myself and admitted to going through a rough time at the moment and it did help a little. 

After I returned home I’ve done little but think about what happened. If this is so important to me then why can I not do what I need to do? Why does the thought of presenting correctly seem to drain me of all of my energy and will power? Why do I give up before I’ve started?

Of course this sets me off down an all too familiar path of self incrimination, self loathing, self hatred, and in the end I am left with unshed tears and no answers.

You know, I am sick to death of this but I don’t know how to break free. 

Into The Darkness Again

I’m not sure if I should be writing this, with the way my day has gone I am in a dark place. In fact, if I had to choose a picture to represent my state of mind it would be a dark, evil, cursed swamp…

I have been overwhelmed by anxiety, depression, and dysphoria. This wasn’t the only time I have had these feelings… I’ve had them pretty steadily since the beginning of the year but today it was more pronounced… to the point where I nearly became physically ill. I still feel like hell.

I did spend time talking with A and everything made sense to my head… it just hasn’t convinced my heart. 

There are things I haven’t been writing about lately because the last time I did I offended someone. Now it may seem silly to let a single negative comment affect me, especially on my own blog, but it did… and still does. The main problem was I didn’t make it clear what I was feeling and then sharing was completely about me and was in no way intended to express my thoughts or feelings regarding anyone else. Many of the things which burrow through my brain never reach beyond my own skin. I have never looked at or listened to another trans person and had the same thoughts regarding them and I never will. So, if you read beyond this point then understand, these are issues I am dealing with and in no way reflect my feelings toward the trans community as a whole. My only hope is maybe someone will read this having had the same doubts and fears as I and will know they are not alone.

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As of this writing I have not undergone any medical intervention, though I would like to start hormones at some point. Maybe taking that small step will help with all these issues. As it stands though, nothing has changed physically and it is constantly causing me problems.

Looking in the mirror, changing clothes, or showering are all constant reminder it doesn’t matter one wit how I see myself in my minds eye or how much I might wish, dream, scream or cry, my exterior does not and cannot reflect these things. It is then the dark voices in my head tell me “nothing has changed and it never will.” I will die being seen as I was in life. The name on my obituary will one I never wanted and didn’t truly belong to me regardless of how hard I tried to live up to expectations.

I understand I can socially transition. I can change my appearance, pronouns, even my name. Yet in the end I will have done nothing more than exchange one costume for another and I just can’t do it. It would be as hollow an existence as the one I am living now.

I cannot express how much this hurts. It is slowly tearing me apart from the inside out.

I have survived a number of complete breakdowns but I know there is coming a point where I will not come out the other side and there is a part of me which will welcome it with open arms.

God, I am so tired. Tired of being tired. Of the questions, the doubt, and fears. I am tired of the endless swirl of emotions, of wanting, dreaming, hoping… The endless fog of wishes and unanswered prayers. I am tired of hurting this much… all of the time.

More and more I have found myself thinking I just want all of this to end. I want to awake on day and all of this be a bad memory fading with the morning light…

But even this desire is denied me.

Sorry… Again

There have been too many hours I have sat here struggling with what I should say, if anything at all. Some times I write and delete post after post, finally choosing to share a story or piece of news all in an effort to avoid sharing anything personal. Part of the reason is not wanting people to see this blog as an endless pity party or me as some attention seeker who wants someone to fawn over me. Someone to give me the validation I have denied myself for years. Truly, I have seen myself as such my entire life…

Recently my life went through some major upheavals. Things which lead me to question everything about myself. I have lost days, even weeks. I also lost sight of who I am and why I found myself walking this path in the first place. Every negative thing I have ever been told or heard spoken about me came rushing to the surface threatening to pull me back into the chaos I have fought so hard to escape. No, it did pull me in. To the point where I was beginning to believe again. Even now I can still feel the icy fingers of doubt trailing across my mind. 

It reached a point where I had decided to forgo transitioning any further, to in fact, revert completely back to presenting as male and using my birth name. You see I came to believe trying to be anything else was useless. From head to toe nothing had changed and never would. Even if it did, no one around me would truly accept it. To them I remain as I always have been and they will believe nothing else… not where it matters most, in their hearts. Anything else really is just platitudes and it hurts worse then outright rejection.

I’m not sure what will happen now. Part of me wants to believe I can move forward and be who I really am in the real world, every day and simply be seen and accepted as such but there is the other part which crumples up those dreams and laughs in my face as it throws them into the fire of reality. The same part which has schemes and plans for how all of this will end. Which shows me glimpses of what I need to do, what method will work best, how to do it… and I will not lie to you, it grows more tempting with every passing day.

Every day when my thoughts swirl and all I can think is how much of a burden I have been, how people would have been better off if they had never met me. How it would be so easy for me to slip unnoticed from their thoughts and dreams…

Strange isn’t it? How on one hand I am convinced of the damaging impact I have while at the same time it seems as if I will leave no impression on this world. How I see myself as unseen, just a useless addition, yet somehow all the ills which befall those around me rest solely on my shoulders… It really doesn’t make any sense, it has to be one or the other, it can’t be both and yet in my mind both things are equally true, intertwined into a choking rope which is slowly tightening around my soul.

Fighting Demons

Each of us have our demons to fight. Sometimes we win and others we lose yet either way it is exhausting; physically, emotionally, mentally. There are times when it all I can do to get out of bed and others when I dread falling asleep. During the day it’s a fight to concentrate, to maintain any type of focus outside of my skin. Nights bring dreams full of indecision and doubt. 

These past few weeks have been harder on me than I am willing to admit. There have been issues upon issues to be dealt with and each one has created more sharp edged doubts, fears, and shame to use against myself. 

The voices have risen and become a insurmountable storm, telling me how much of a failure I am, showing me how much I have hurt everyone around me, exposing just how selfish and callous I have been.

There is still so much to sort out, all these emotions to untangle, thoughts to shift through. Too many memories. More wounds and scars than I could ever hope to deal with before they bleed me dry. The issue now is if I will try and put them here or simply deal with it in my head. After all, I did so for more years than I can remember and there is no chance someone reading this blog will take offense.

As they say, the only real secrets are the ones you keep to yourself.

 

Stepping Back

I’m not sure if I am up for sharing a personal post tonight. I have some things to consider before I can feel comfortable posting my unfiltered thoughts and emotions again.

 

~Kira~

Here She Goes Again…

I’m afraid this post is likely to be a rambling mess for which I apologize.

There has been a lot going on today in my head, which I suppose isn’t a surprise to anyone who knows me… I went from up to neutral to down as the day progressed which ended after I had a conversation with A this evening. 

I’m sure there are a number of things I can blame my thought processes on but regardless of why I treat myself so badly, in the end I know I am the one who has to take responsibility because it not only affects myself but those around me and trying to play it off isn’t doing anyone any good.

I have been fighting with myself since the very beginning. Constantly insisting I could somehow bottle everything up, toss it in a box, throw it in the deepest hole in my mind and rebury it forever. Of course I knew this was childish, foolish, and pointless but the thoughts and emotions roiling in my head over rode what my heart knew to be true and I tried anyway with disastrous results. Over the past twenty four hours I thought to go down the same path with those same voices telling me I could do it this time… (Then again I also know the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.)

Another analogy here would be someone taking medicine for a life threatening condition and once they started to feel better deciding they no longer needed to continue taking it. You see, those wonderful thoughts and emotions started working overtime once I had experienced one day which was better. I had thoughts of, “If I feel better now, and I’m not trying to be (her)… well then, I should be able to continue to do so as long as I take any questions, doubts, fears, anxiety or depression and just push it into that little box and kicked some dirt over it.

I told myself I could also set aside anything dealing with being transgender. To just stop thinking about it, to clear my mind every time those thoughts and feeling raised their heads. I could do a through house cleaning, both literally and figuratively and just start over with a clean slate.

This also included crushing any memories from my past, especially from my childhood.

(Yes, I know this sounds even more insane than any of my other ramblings but it really has been part of my internal dialogue.)

I’m not sure why I decided to say anything to A about any of this, (other than the fact I have never been able to keep my big mouth shut,) In fact I told myself many times to just keep my decision to myself. I felt if I said nothing then no one would have a reason to worry about me… (yeah, another genius thought…) In the end I did say something and it started a conversation which proved to me this wasn’t what I should be trying to do. Instead of not hurting others, it would only make things worse.

Refusing to simply be myself was creating a lot of stress in everyone. I was unpredictable and unstable. I was also a danger to myself, enough so my therapist has been seriously pushing for me to commit myself for my own safety, (though right or wrong I have felt it wasn’t the right thing for me to do). She pointed out I have had the means and a plan to either hurt or kill myself for sometime and all it would take is one step in the wrong direction to act.

She’s right… I have been a danger to myself for more years than I care to claim. I have made plans, researched methods, thought long and hard as to the time and place but never put any of into action. Part of the reason I have mentioned before, having something, no matter how small or seemingly pointless, planned within the next twenty four hours. A chore, some responsibility, even writing a simple blog post… has kept me going, one day at a time. Maybe doing this small thing to keep myself alive says I’m not really ready to die, I can’t say for certain. Death has been a close companion for far too long.

The thing is, I hope by truly surrendering to the truth of who I am I can not only find peace with myself but a true reason to want to live.

I guess we’ll see, won’t we?