This has been a rather tiring week with too much to think; too much to feel.
I have people telling me to follow my heart and continue doing the things which make me comfortable. It looks good on paper but less so in practice. As much as I wish it didn’t matter what I did, the truth is it does matter in very concrete ways in the real world, especially when the paper work no longer matches with who, (or what) I am now. Between this and the lack of physical change, it seems as though I am slamming my head against a brick wall.
I don’t know…
What to think, to feel, or if I want to do either.
Why is it so easy to accept negative thoughts and emotions without question then turn around and deny anything positive without any reflection whatsoever?
I started writing here as a way to help in attempting to bring some order to the chaos in my head. In the beginning I knew there were serious problems, but really, I didn’t understand anything.
Now all these years later, it seems as though I understand even less.
What is Social Anxiety Disorder? Symptoms, Treatment, Prevalence, Medications, Insight, Prognosis
Social anxiety is the fear of social situations that involve interaction with other people. You could say social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being negatively judged and evaluated by other people. It is a pervasive disorder and causes anxiety and fear in most all areas of a person’s life. It is chronic because it does not go away on its own. Only direct cognitive-behavioral therapy can change the brain, and help people overcome social anxiety.
I have too many things fighting for space in my head right now.
Not in a very good place tonight, too much thinking and not enough drinking…
Not too far from where I am sitting now there is a town where I lived for several years as a child. Naturally many things have changed since then but I still have powerful memories of those years. In part because it was where I first realized there was something different about me, something unexpected, unsettling, and terrifying. It would become a life long secret, a never ending struggle, which shaped much of who I became, who I am now.
I moved when I was about to enter junior high and for a short time I thought I could be free to finally be myself but as many children of the 70s and 80s know, it was not to be. I knew what I should be.
Who I should be.
Yet it wasn’t to be.
It didn’t take long for the fears to return as I understood people are too much the same regardless of where you live and those who walked past me now wouldn’t except me any more than the ones I left behind. So I kept my secret held safely behind a mask and buried deep inside.
Regardless of all the years which have followed, it has always been this place, this time which has haunted me more than any other and now I have decided it is time to go back and face the past. I can’t say what triggered this but I know it is something I have to do. To walk those streets, to visit the places I still remember clearly and do so as myself. No masks, no filters. No hiding and no fear.