I’ve been racking my brain for hours now trying to write something which isn’t full of negative news, even with so much going on here in the states, and at this point I’m just overwhelmed.
I think I need to take some time to do something completely removed from anything dealing with trans issues or any of the other things which requires critical thought and just find something completely mindless so I can try to unwind and catch my breath.
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
It has been a long time since I last wrote something personal here, or anywhere really. I have been having trouble gathering my thoughts in a way I felt confident sharing, even when I did there was something deep and unsettled which would rise up and still my hand. Even now as I write this I can feel the resistance building yet I know I need to say something, anything is better than continued silence.
It might not be too surprising to know I have a bad habit of using my own lies to convince myself I am doing fine even when I know deep inside I’m not. Much as someone telling themselves they no longer need to take medicine because they feel better or believing their abuser when promised it will never happen again, even understanding the illness will return worse than before or it is only a matter of time until you find yourself bleeding and broken on the floor again.
I wonder, not for the first time, why I can’t just accept the truth. Why I need to continue to try and be some caricature of what I think those around me expect me to be instead of being true to myself. Maybe I just can’t accept anything which doesn’t bring me pain even though it is at my own hand.
Happiness has never been an easy weight on my shoulders and it might never be.
How To Overcome Imposter Syndrome, According To Psychologists:
The term imposter syndrome dates back as far as the 1970s. One of its early introductions was in a 1978 article titled, “The Impostor Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention,” by psychologists Dr. Pauline R. Clance and Dr. Suzanne A. Imes. “Impostor syndrome is a set of beliefs that leave you feeling doubtful of your skills, ability, and whether you deserve to be at the table, and that you will inevitably be exposed as a fraud,” says Dr. Ayanna Abrams, Psy.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist and owner of Ascension Behavioral Health in Atlanta, GA.
I’m not sure where to start, there are more things to be said than I have words for. One thing I do know is I need to be straight forward, no word play or veiled meanings. In the past I had to write in such ways to keep from being overwhelmed by memories and emotions. Now however, I am finding the emotions rising too fast and high for me to control, leaving me in tears, unable to get my breath and I can’t say why.
The memories are still with me, as vivid as ever, searing through my mind like acid. As bad as they have been during waking hours, more and more they are also in my dreams, so there really is no escape.
Before I go any further, I should make one thing clear, I am the only one tearing myself down. The doubts and fears, the lack of confidence, the terrible words and scathing retorts, are all my own.
Yes, for as long as I could remember there were those who made it clear where I stood and who’s feet every failure could be laid and yes, it was my parents, especially my mother who burned these truths into my soul. However, she is dead and gone and no longer a force in my life, so blaming her seems like a cop out.
The struggles of today are very much a result of my own actions.
After recent developments I have been forced to take a long, hard look inside and to face some difficult truths. Regardless of how much I have tried to fool myself into thinking I could change, I can’t.
I am damaged goods, too broken to ever be made whole and nothing will change that fact. I only hope I don’t cause irreparable harm before it’s over.
I’ve been dealing with persistent depression for a long time and couldn’t figure out why. It hit me today that I’m disappointed in myself.
I know I’m being vague, but there are things I still need to get straight in my head before I try explain in more detail.
This hasn’t been a particularly bad day but neither has it been a good day. Not sure what has me feeling this sense of dread.
I just can’t shake the feeling something is waiting for me just out of sight.
Tonight has gone to total shit and I really can’t deal with it anymore.
Haven’t had the best of days; everything has been off and I am on edge of exploding at the slightest provocation. Not a good combination.