If today proved anything, it is to never assume the people around you see things the same way you do.
The day started with a doctors appointment, just a check to make sure my BP is stable, (it is), and if there have been any issues with my antidepressant and anxiety meds, (there have been). I began by speaking with the nurse regarding my issues with depression and the recent struggles I have been experiencing. This turned into a much more detailed conversation than I intended and ended with a huge hug, which I appreciated more than I could say.
Then it was on to talking with the doc. He surprised me my saying he had been researching information on transgender health care. Something I never would have expected considering some of our past conversations. Sadly he admitted to being constrained by working through a catholic health organization, as he said, he can’t even prescribe birth control.Of course, my health insurance is controlled by the same organization so nothing trans related will be covered. Still I left feeling better about him being my primary care provider after a very open and accepting conversation.
Now, for several reasons, most having to do with my identification, I had to go about my business in as understated a manner as possible, so I was in what I call my “boy mode” or not overtly presenting as female. I had to go to a different doctors office to pick up a script for one of the boys where they usually require seeing a photo ID… cue ugly drivers license photo… Before the receptionist asked for it though, she handed me the script and the sign out sheet and asked, “so are you his mother?” Needless to say there was an interesting conversation with a very embarrassed woman, though I did my best to set her at ease, thanking her for the compliment and assuring her I was anything but offended.
These things might be minor in the course of a normal day, but recently I have anything but normal days. Those who know me, know I am my own worst critic and if there is a silver lining, I will only see the cloud.
At this point I think it best to explain some things…
I have known for a long time now I need to medically transition at least as far as going on hormones is concerned. There isn’t any doubt in my mind this is the next step I must make, however, it also something which remains just out of reach because I simply do not have the resources and at this point it looks as if I never will, which, I think you can understand, has caused me a great deal of distress.
I look at myself and all I can find are the negatives. The way I look, the way I sound… this all too masculine body… and I hear the whispers in my mind…
Who do you think you’re fooling?
Who will believe you when you say you’re a woman?
Anyone looking will see a man.
If there is one thing I am not, it is a man in a dress and the thought of someone seeing me as such makes me physically ill.
Seeing myself as such is soul crushing.
I have lost count of the times that damn voice has told me I am what this body makes me and no amount of wishing otherwise will change anything. Has told me I am a fool, delusional, crazy…
I know I have mentioned these things many times throughout the years, but they continue to torment me through each and every day.
There have been countless little things which have validated my understanding of myself, speaking on the phone and being accepted as female, having people in stores see and refer to me with feminine pronouns, regardless of my appearance…
Yet all it takes is one person… one comment… one questioning look and the illusion shatters into a billion pieces, knife sharp, cutting me to the soul. As I have said before, if I have not made an effort to be see as female, I cannot fault someone for seeing me as male, yet it doesn’t dull the pain, pain which I have brought upon myself because I have told myself my appearance doesn’t matter because everything underneath turns my outward truth into a complete lie.
Tells me I really am nothing but a costume, a caricature.