Victoria’s Paradox: The fear of moving forward

Victoria’s Paradox: The fear of moving forward:

This is my journey as a transgender female, just trying to figure myself out and bring you along on the trip…

LGBT, Transgender

“Doubt and Denial” From: The Transition Channel – YouTube

Note: This is not an endorsement, I simply found this to be helpful.


From the description:

A lot of people who are asking, “Am I transgender?” are doing so from a place of doubt and denial.

Most of my first appointments with people involve talking about their doubts and denial. Deciphering what is valid and what is not valid is a challenge without the outside perspective of an expert for some people. Others it can be simple.


Why Can’t I…

Facing forward I am confronted by an unknowable future (and yes, I understand the future is never knowable before it happens and then it is the past) however, there has been a painful yet comforting familiarity to the past which has allowed me to face each day as little more than another expected sentence added to the book of my life. These are the waters I have tread for so long the I have fallen asleep to their rhythm.

Now that rhythm has been broken, those once placid waters have become storm tossed and shark filled and I seem as incapable of stepping into this new unknown any more than I could step into those waters.

I know this sounds melodramatic, especially if you haven’t experienced anything similar. It’s a problem I have run into when trying to explain what I am feeling to someone who isn’t lgbt, never mind trans. Even my therapist seems to have difficulty during our recent sessions, which has added to my own doubts and questions when it comes to where I need to be. Don’t get me wrong, I am not faulting her here, I’m amazed we have made it so far when my issues are so far beyond her own experience, not to mention all the added baggage I brought to the table. I seriously credit her efforts with keeping me sane and alive this long.

Still, I want to break down in tears of frustration when she asks why I cannot be content with where I am now. Can’t I be satisfied with being seen as more androgynous than male? With wearing certain clothing or having long hair. 

When she suggests maybe I need to accept putting things off just a little longer, until my children are older, until I find a workplace which is more accepting, until, until, until… As if deliberately dragging out my transition for all those reasons and more for over five years hasn’t come close to destroying me more than once. When every time I have made one step forward, my entire past comes crashing down on me like a tsunami and I find myself having taken a dozen steps backward. 

Transgender, Transphobia

I find your lack of empathy disturbing…

I happened across this via Reddit. This is an opinion piece which includes a link to Dirt, which is a blog which tracks young trans boys.

It is bad enough to know there are those who out trans adults but there is simply no excuse for harassing trans children. If you read the original blog post and then the included twitter conversation, I think you will find it as chilling as I did.

Being straight, lesbian, gay, or trans are issues which should not be subject to bullying tactics. It is up to each individual to find the path in this life which is right for them regardless of your agreement or disdain. 

If you agree with a persons life choices, support them in any way possible.

If you don’t, then keep it to yourself.



Listen; there is music playing nearby, can you hear it? Is it upbeat, calling you to dance? Or is it low and slow, a haunting reminder of darker times?

I have often wished life came with a soundtrack, like a movie or television show, each song matched to the moment, reflecting emotional energy like a mirror. Of course, such a thing isn’t possible, is it? Unless like me you are sitting in front of your computer and you have a lifetime worth of music at your finger tips…

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to find such power is a two edged sword. The music can reflect your emotions or it can drive them… Seek the positive, receive the positive. Seek the negative… You understand, right?

On the other hand, a song can be as out of place as a penguin on the beach in Florida. 

Much of my music collection tends toward the darker side, in key and lyric. At least it does to me. I favor melancholy.

(At the moment ‘Metal Heart‘ by Cat Power is playing if your interested.)

Sorry, I’m stalling. There is so much I would love to sit down and talk about over a cup of coffee or tea… Yet there are times like these when I fear to share what I keep hidden inside.

So, if you are inclined to pass on lengthy posts, then feel free to move on to something else, I’ll understand, I promise.


Shall we go together to confession?

Well, I’m not Catholic, but I get the general idea.

Something I like about being online is how easy it is to hide. Having a bad day? Just share a random song from YouTube, having trouble writing? Find something to reblog or hunt down a story and share the link. No one can see you on the other side of the screen. No tears.

I’ve been doing this for months now.


From you, me…

My muse has returned. She never comes back without a reason or a price.

I don’t know when I began on this downward spiral; I suppose it doesn’t really matter. It’s like asking when the pilot gave up trying to keep the plane from crashing. 

(Never Really Had You by Karman Line)

Several weeks ago I had a therapy session by which time I was already on the way down… I told Jodi worrying about where I was going from here on this crazy journey didn’t matter any more. I was emotionally exhausted and physically spent. I still am, just more so. Of course she reminded me each time I have reached point like this things haven’t gone well and yes, I am more than aware of this fact. Things have taken a darker turn in the last week or so and as I mentioned in the beginning, my muse has taken notice. She is an evil mistress, feeding on my darkest thoughts and fears. The deeper I sink into depression the stronger her voice becomes. Along with that, there are physical symptoms as well and they began this week. 

How many times have I reached this point? Once, twice, three times and more…

Each of them I survived and so I downplayed just how serious they were. Total breakdowns which should have seen me hospitalized… I know I’m on borrowed  time, have been for so long… Managing to stay one step ahead of the Reaper, but he is going to catch me one day…

I’m not there. Yet. I do know this is where I am heading.

You see, I know who I am in my heart, but that person doesn’t match with my physical presence and never will. To hope for anything else is foolishness. I don’t live in a make believe world. There aren’t any secret experiments, magic potions, or pills which will bring body and spirit into alignment. 

(Girl In A Room by Antiqcool)

I don’t know what I am going to do or how I’m going to do it. I just survive one more day… I can’t ask for anything more.