It’s been a long day… in a good way. As in I have been on the run the majority of the daylight hours. It might have started out better though, as my alarm went off at 5:30AM and I then turned it off instead of hitting snooze like I meant to…
In any case, I did manage to get up and going in time to go to an early therapy appointment, at 7:00AM. Seriously… who does business so early? Just kidding, I understood why J needed to schedule me so early and I was fine with it.
Our sessions have been interesting lately because we have been mixing in a lot of general talk with more therapy related things with the subjects ranging all over the place from current events to religion.It certainly keeps me on my toes. Some interesting things came up this time; for one was the question of it is possible for me to find a way to buffer myself when I am reading something which has the effect of setting off my depression to one degree or another, such as the topic of my last big post. In talking about this I realize there aren’t any quick fixes to these situations and maybe there shouldn’t be. Sometimes I need time to process something and find the right answer for me. There are more times than not doing so is going to take a few days, as it did in this last case, but I am in a better place when I finally find an answer. Also, it gives me a better perspective of my own thoughts and feelings and I am better able to discuss things with others.
Speaking of my post and the original by Ali which lead to me writing what I did… We talked about it and I let J read what I had written after talking about what I had read. The discussion lead to what I thought and felt reading that post and the conclusions I had worked out for myself, mainly about being myself, being Kira, 24/7 regardless of what I wear; with or without makeup or a wig. As I told her, my outward appearance, while important for various reasons, has nothing to do with who I am inside my own head.
This lead to some interesting discussions, about how ones outter appearance can often be confusing and lead to someone being mis-gendered regardless of if they are male or female, gay or straight. That lead to something I didn’t expect which was finding out one of J’s daughters, who I have met several times, once asked if I was a boy or a girl. She wasn’t sure of which was correct and she didn’t want offend me by asking. This was without me really doing anything to change my appearance… All of which lead to another observation which was I cannot know how I am being read by anyone else, nor just what their thoughts might be. Because I cannot judge such things, I tend to be much harder on myself and the way I present than I should be. As A pointed out, we are always harder on ourselves than others are and this is magnified by my situation and insecurities.
I have to remind myself it seems I am presenting as more feminine than I realize. This is an interesting thought as I have been working to undo many of the habits I picked up while in the Navy, to return to more of the way I was before that point in my life. If I have succeeded to any degree, and people are seeing me now in much the same way they did back then, it explains a great many things which happened, and which I heard or was told by others regarding how I was seen by those around me. If this is really the case, then I truly have come a lot further than I ever imagined, which is a pleasant surprise indeed.