We want to live our truth in the present and define our own future – not be algorithmically chained to false identities
“It is neither a fad nor a trend. It is who you are.”
A century ago, these documents were used to reinforce segregation. Today, they’re being used to impose binary identities on transgender people.
“For trans people, ‘ID anxiety’ can be an almost daily occurrence. As a gender nonconforming writer and producer, I travel at least once a month to make appearances at events or perform at colleges and universities. Each time I go through TSA, I take a deep breath and say a prayer that the officer at the podium won’t take one look at my dress, then the ‘M’ on my driver’s license, and decide that I need to be held for more thorough questioning.”
There are times when I think I am too broken to ever be put back together…
Not so long ago I didn’t realize how broken I was. Oh, I knew there were something wrong in my head, but I had no concept of how bad the damage was. Honestly, I doubt I have scratched the surface but what I know now is enough to make me want to simply give up. There is too much and it seems to get more complicated, more intertwined and knotted… Seriously, I feel like the lone meatball in the center of a can of alphabet soup.
ADD, BDD, OCD, PTSD… the list get longer by the day and I am at a loss as how to deal with just one thing never mind a medical journal’s worth of problems and issues.
Life has never been easy, I would be a fool to suggest it was, but now… I don’t know anymore…
I don’t really understand who or even what I am. I try to grasp onto small thing, a like, dislike, a hobby or interest of some kind, anything which gives me a connection, a place to start… but it slips through my fingers like mist on a foggy morning with the sun is taking far too long to burn its way through and I’m left to muddle through with no idea of where I’m going or why.
It can be sad and frustrating when those closest to you, who you look to for love and support have the hardest time accepting you. When they insist on using dead names and improper pronouns, when they do so seemingly without a thought or care and are unfazed by the obvious distress doing so causes on a daily, sometimes hourly basis.
On the other hand it can be rewarding, confusing, and stressful when strangers actually get it right even when you have all but given up on trying to be seen as who and what you are.
I know this sounds backward, but let me explain. I have family who I have come out to, people who have watched my struggle to become myself. Who have heard my fears, have seen my tears and still insist on using my dead name and the wrong pronouns to the point I have tried to back off transitioning any further or in fact to de-transition completely because it so painful.
On the other hand, when I am out in public, regardless of how I think I am presenting, I am still seen as female to the point of being directed to the women restroom, being called mam’, miss, and lady. I know I should be happy with this but all it does is leave me feeling sad and unsure of myself…
Too many times I have asked myself and others, “What the hell do I need to do to be seen one way or the other?”
“For transgender people, choosing a new name is integral to understanding their true identity.”