It has been a long path which has brought me back to where I began.
Been another long day, just going to pick up something for dinner and call it a night.
Our new fridge was delivered today so I had to get the old one out, scrub the floor and rearrange furniture to get the new one in. Then brought it in with a little help from my middle son and had to rearrange the kitchen again to it fit.
Now I feel like I’ve been beat half to death.
I hope I’m not setting myself up for something terrible… Today was the first in a long time I felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Also, my mind has been calm, all the constant doubts, fears; questions have faded into silence.
I have to say I’m surprised at myself, I was mis-gendered only once today yet unlike so often before, it didn’t upset me or send me into a tailspin. I simply corrected the young gentleman and moved on. (Which for those who know, is almost beyond belief).
It’s difficult to express how things feel. It isn’t all sunshine and rainbows but neither is it uncontrollable darkness and pain. I expect it will take a little time to get use to, but will be well worth the effort.
Time and again, across the many years, I have reached points where, without warning, I would make a snap decision regarding some aspect of my transition. More often than not these would happen when the pain and stress became more than I could contain and everything would explode in ways I could never predict.
For awhile now I have been struggling with depression and anxiety which medication did little to mitigate. It reached a point recently where I was allowing my thoughts to take me in a dangerous direction. (I could explain in more detail but I fear it would cause more problems than it was worth, not just for myself, but some readers as well ).
It all came to head this morning and I knew I had a choice, stop permanently or move forward regardless of the cost. Something deep inside, out of my direct control, made another snap decision and all I could do was ride the wave.
Now I’m sitting here at the end of a day of unexpected change and I’m glad to report things may have finally taken a positive direction. Of course I don’t want to jinx myself so I’ll say I have a cautious hope.
They say ‘when it rains, it pours’.
I have to say I agree. Just before the end of last year our second, and only, car died with a screech of breaking steel dropped lifters. Fortunately my partner was approved for a 2018 Nissan Sentra, so we have something we can depend on instead of the beaters we’ve had the past several years.
Now our refrigerator died. It looks as though we were able to save the majority of the food but trying to scratch together the money for another one isn’t going to be easy now that we have a car payment on top of everything else.
Of course I’m sitting here wondering what else might go wrong at this point.