This week beat me half to death. I was running from dawn to dusk taking people all over town. Now these were things which needed to be done such as doctors appointments and job interviews but it meant an entire week when almost nothing was done at home which means I’ll spend the entire weekend playing catch up.
I’ve been racking my brain for hours now trying to write something which isn’t full of negative news, even with so much going on here in the states, and at this point I’m just overwhelmed.
I think I need to take some time to do something completely removed from anything dealing with trans issues or any of the other things which requires critical thought and just find something completely mindless so I can try to unwind and catch my breath.
There have been family issues I’ve been dealing with this weekend and while this blog is important, family is a thousand times more so.
In many subreddits dealing with trans and LGBTQ+ issues I come across comments talking about how trans experiences are bad, that they wish there was a brighter future, and how being trans is such a burden. It’s a theme that proliferates across the media, that being trans is such an awful thing that why indeed would anyone wish to be trans or seek to publicly live a trans life. For me this is both deeply upsetting, as I want to reach out and help folk work through their issues, and secondly makes me mad because being trans is not all whips and chains, far from it.
I’m not sure where to start, there are more things to be said than I have words for. One thing I do know is I need to be straight forward, no word play or veiled meanings. In the past I had to write in such ways to keep from being overwhelmed by memories and emotions. Now however, I am finding the emotions rising too fast and high for me to control, leaving me in tears, unable to get my breath and I can’t say why.
The memories are still with me, as vivid as ever, searing through my mind like acid. As bad as they have been during waking hours, more and more they are also in my dreams, so there really is no escape.
Before I go any further, I should make one thing clear, I am the only one tearing myself down. The doubts and fears, the lack of confidence, the terrible words and scathing retorts, are all my own.
Yes, for as long as I could remember there were those who made it clear where I stood and who’s feet every failure could be laid and yes, it was my parents, especially my mother who burned these truths into my soul. However, she is dead and gone and no longer a force in my life, so blaming her seems like a cop out.
The struggles of today are very much a result of my own actions.