Deep breath time.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to post about today. Each time I sat down it seemed my mind went blank. Well, as I am finding out, blank spaces are what I need to think about, to write about, to forgive myself for.

Several times I have written about different things which I have used as time markers in my life. Some of them were personal, some trans related, but all of them seemed to define periods in my life. What concerns me now is not these moments which remain so clear in my memory, it is the spaces in between.

I use to joke I would forget my head if it wasn’t attached. Such things aren’t quiet as funny when you cast your mind back over the days, weeks and years only to find nearly everything is hazy at best. There are months, even years, for which I cannot account.

Don’t misunderstand, I am not longing for the time. It is dead and I cannot get it back. I am saddened at how much of my life has been lost. 

Where You Mine? (Poem)

Where You Mine?

By Kira A. Moore

 

Night is falling,

The phone silent,

The street empty.

 

Did you forget me?

Is there something,

Better for you to do?

 

Silence is screaming,

The darkness engulfing,

And I am so cold.

 

I’ve lost you.

Did I ever have you,

Or was it all in my mind?

A Day

I have to thank A for today, she took what began as a bad day and made it something better. She talked me into getting out of the house to do some shopping which included a stop at the local Goodwill where she found me a cute grey. knitted, zip up sweater. (On top of this, she insisted I wear the sweater I posted about, the one with the trees, which did help take the edge off).

I’m still struggling with an uncertain future. A isn’t so sure if Jodi isn’t pushing me a little too hard and she has pointed out the issues we have the boys… something I am painfully aware of. 

This is where I am in conflict with myself and what I see happening to myself, my marriage, our family. As much as I want to hold things off for as long as possible, I just don’t know when I will hit the final wall and have to make a very real and serious decision. 

A has said she doesn’t want me to try and go back to how I was, it was too difficult to live through once, I don’t know if we could survive it again. Then again, I honestly don’t know if I could survive it… somehow I have a feeling that answer won’t be positive… What then am I to do I wonder, as much as I want to keep the kids out of this, will I be able to do so? Will A ever forgive me if I can’t? Will they? 

I do not have the answers. I know there are those who think things will work out better than I fear, but if there is one thing I have learned it is to never expect the best outcome from life, you are bound to find yourself disappointed.

I so want to hope for the best, to find some way to meld all the pieces of my life into a unified whole, yet I think it more likely I will end up losing everything. I don’t see how it can end any other way.

The War Within

I realize I should have named this blog “The War Within” for all too often that is what being transgender really boils down to. It is a battle between your heart and a world which takes no prisoners.

From the moment you are born your whole life is planned out based on a word from a doctor… even before you realize what has happened. From there it will be your family, friends, enemies, teachers, employers, students, coworkers… everyone and anyone you pass on the street who will pass judgment on you based on nothing more then if you meet their opinion of who and what you should be.

And God help you if you fail the test.

It is the same no matter where you turn. Even those who try and be accepting are still judging you in in one way or another, after all, you are a stranger, a walking talking abnormality in their lives. Then again, you also judge yourself. Feel the weight of being different from everyone you know, who you see on television, in the movies, hear on the radio, those you meet online…

It is a lonely, heartbreaking place to be.

To know there are so many who will and do turn their backs, who whisper when they think you cannot hear… and sometimes when they know you can. There are those all over the world who for whatever reasons have decided to view you with hatred, with disdain, with pity… who wish you were dead or better yet, had never been born…

To know those who you have looked to for support and understanding can’t even speak your name….

And you have to ask yourself… is it worth it? Really worth the pain and the loneliness, and the sadness and the heartbreak… Even when you have done everything possible to be the person they expect, when you have struggled so hard for so long to be what you see in their eyes… to be everything to them all even at the cost of your own soul…

This is when writing on this blog is so difficult… when it feels as if my soul has been crushed and the thought of one more breath, one more heartbeat is more than I can bear… Sitting here I wonder how many times I have almost given up, almost quit writing here… almost gave up everything… Those days when the thought of one more day is almost too much… when only my sense of responsibility to my children is the only tiny thread which holds me to this world…

Not really a feel better sort of thing to think is it?

This is a time when it would have been so much easier to say nothing. To find something to reblog or maybe toss out a little piece of poetry to fill the space, but I have tried to be open with what I am feeling even when it painful to do so because I think you deserve to see the darkness as well as the light. The good days and the bad… even the terrible ones like this where I wish something in my mind would simply break so I could just float away and loose myself in madness because it would be easier I think.

The idea of wanting to write about myself, to share what it means to be who I am, being transgender… I think people need to know… they need to understand even when they don’t want to… yet they need to see the whole story, not just some sugar coated narrative that makes things as so much roses and cotton candy… because it isn’t. It is hard as hell. It is ups and down, highs and lows. It is wanting desperately to live and begging to die.

To anyone who thinks someone would undertake this life willingly is a fool.

I would give anything not to be as I am, to just be another face in the crowd who has never had to think or worry about all the things which play though my mind every day.