I wanted to wait until after my therapy session to write something more personal. It has been nearly a month since I last saw Jodi, before Christmas. With the holidays and her taking a vacation it just wasn’t feasible to try and do anything before now.
I was a real jabber jaw today and the time flew by before I knew it, which is good. It really felt nice to just sit and talk with someone who is an objective observer. There is no fear of judgment or ridicule which takes so much stress of a conversation.
For those of you who read this blog regularly know I have my times. I have long had a habit of thinking things to death and combined with a tendency to take things out of context or more personally than intended. So often I have found myself a dog chasing her own tail. Getting no where and making myself dizzy.
There are time though, when all of this self examination pays off. When I have had time to work through it.
This past month has ben such a time. In the beginning I was worried and confused by my feelings or my lack of them. I have lived for so long in a constant whirlwind, for me all of the noise and chaos were just another day. Now, between medicine and therapy I have the ability to experience what most people take for granted, which is a relatively calm mind capable of clear thought. I also have ways to sort out my emotions, to bring sadness and depression under control by keeping them in perspective. Before they could balloon out of control, becoming so overwhelming the consumed my life for days or weeks at a time.
Control, tools, and finding balance. All of these come together so in the end I can find my way clear of the distractions, to step back and see the forest for the trees. I’m still learning, still finding my way through this new view of the world. I’m going to make mistakes, loose my way rom time to time, become overwhelmed… The difference is, I have been handed a compass and a rough map so with time I can find my way back.
This is where I find myself today. Speaking to Jodi I realized just how much I have changed. How my view of situations has become clearer and I am able to face things a little easier without falling into a panic.
My view of myself has also changed dramatically. Before the very thought of being myself in public, to presenting as female was more then I could imagine. Now, there are more times when regardless of what I look like hear female pronouns and if I don’t? Well, it’s annoying but doesn’t lead to me crashing and burning like it did in the past.
You see, as I was talking I realized something about myself, something which has snuck up on me when I was concerned with other things…
I find I am more comfortable in my own skin.
Now I still have ups and downs, times when things bother me more than they should, yet over all, I’m not concerned with how others see me any more. All that matters is how I see myself.
Is it nice when I am correctly gendered? Of course. Would I rather take the time to get done up before I go out, knowing doing so will make being seen and accepted much more likely? Yes.
But there are also times when I just don’t care. I dress for the weather, for comfort. I don’t fight with wearing a wig or makeup, sometimes I don’t even wear my enhancers. You know why? For one, I’m lazy. For another I know who I am inside regardless of any thing else and I am comfortable with myself. It doesn’t hurt that I have been correctly gendered regardless of how I thought I was presenting.
Male mode, en femme, Greg or Kira… I don’t even think in these terms any more. They are meaningless. I am me. Nothing more, nothing less and I really have nothing to prove to anyone.
This doesn’t change the path I am on. At some point I am going to legally change my name. I am going to seek to have my gender markers changed. I want to look more into HRT. I don’t know if I will need or want to go any further than this, but no isn’t the time to worry about it. It isn’t a driving need at the moment though I accept it might be one day. There is no reason to get worked up about it. If it happens, then it does. If not, then not.
More every day I see and think of myself as Kira. Kira Anne Moore… “K” (Kay), to my friends if they are so willing.
I again explained to Jodi Greg was a costume, a mask and a bundle of expectations I wore because I want to be accepted. To be included, to have friends and lovers and all the things most people have. I wanted to be loved by my family. To feel a part of something outside of myself.
I tried to be this person. I tried to meet expectations. I took on the mannerisms I thought were expected. Tried to share the interests of those around me. Tired to play a part for which I was woefully unequipped to play.
I couldn’t do it any more.
Meeting Jodi was a real blessing. The last time I tried to get help, I was left in pretty much the place where I had started. There was no real effort on anyone’s part to try and do what I needed, which was help me. She saw me. Heard me. Listened. Before I had to fight every step of the way just to be acknowledged and then it was just to be handed a bunch of pills, patted on the head, and sent on my way…
I have spoken of the past two years and what I long struggle it has been… Yet, this is just blink. Nothing really when I look at how long I have been making my way to the point where I am now, sitting here typing these words.
I was 10 when I first realized there was something different about me, I am going to be 48 this year…
38 years to find my truth. a lifetime and more to begin the journey I should have began the first day I stood in front of mirror with a towel over my head wishing it was my real hair. When I stood barefoot on a cold concrete floor about to do something which felt so right even as it terrified me beyond words.
The first time I reached the breaking point. When I stood in disbelief as the walls of my mind were torn asunder, as I was left with nothing but death as a companion, I was shuffled off out of sight, out of mind. No one wanted to be bothered. No one wanted to take the time to find the truth which was waiting just under the carpet where I had been sweeping it for years. It was 1988.
I could spend time wishing for what could have been, but what use would it be? Nothing would change, nor should it.
It has been a long hard journey, but if I had not seen the things I have seen, learned what I have learned, I would not be the person I am today. Every mistake, every scar, every wound, every scrape and bruise I have earned. It hasn’t been easy and sometimes the pain was more than I thought I could bear, yet I did. I have and I will.
I stand here today because of what has gone before. I have walked under the sun and felt the wind in my hair. I have heard my name from other lips and I have been seen and accepted as who I truly am. Nothing can take those things from me.
What I do. What I have done. The person I was before never could never have done.
Could never have dreamed the dreams I have.
From slavery to freedom I have fought and clawed.
I have earned this.
I deserve this.
I will have this.
I will say to anyone who asks;
This path is not easy, but nothing worth achieving ever is.
Not everyone can do this, but how will you know if you never try?
It is worth it.
If you do nothing else, trust yourself. It’s difficult to do but the rewards are beyond compare.