Transsexual Emergence–Making that big jump to going full time.

(This is a piece written in 2002, yet when reading it, I felt it is still relevant today.)

 

Transsexual Emergence–Making that big jump to going full time.:

“Emergence is a term entomologist use to describe that period in an aquatic insect’s life when it leaves the relative safety of its birth place at the bottom of a stream or lake, rises through the water column, confronts the surface tension barrier and, if successful, passes thorough to become an airborne adult. It is a danger filled, critical time in the life of these animals.

I am borrowing this term to describe a similarly danger filled, critical time in a transsexual’s life. However, unlike the insect, the beginning and end of a transsexual’s emergence is vague and harder to describe. Roughly it starts when the individual has been on cross sex hormones long enough for the physical changes to be noticeable by others, continues through that first day of starting to live full time and ends when the individual begins to live comfortably in the new gender role.

Early in emergence things are relatively simple. If the emerging transman or transwomen has prepared well, friends and relatives have been notified, new support networks have been established, and the hormones are doing what they are supposed to do, going full time should look relatively easy. Especially after years and perhaps decades of worrying about how hard transition will be. Eventually, buoyed up by the excitement of it all, longer and longer sojourns out into society in the new gender role are made. Being misgendered at this stage is disappointing and awkward but still considered understandable by most transsexuals. The rationalization is simple; after all, the hormones have not had a chance to complete the job. Even so, pressure builds to ‘go full time,’ and a date is set to make the big move. On this day the individual will, for the first time, either go to work or go to school in the new gender role with the commitment to never again appear otherwise.”

(Via. www.avitale.com)

A Weight Off My Mind

 

Kira

(How I am going to work tonight)

 

Last night I spoke with a coworker about the things on my mind. The uncertainty, the fears. She had some very good advice and needed thoughts on the possible reactions of our coworkers. 

What came out of this was, unless I were to go overboard, odds are most people will not even notice a small chance such as wearing my enhancers at work. Most people just don’t pay that close attention, which is what I found to be true in most public places…

Part of what is on my side is working third shift. We rarely interact with very many of the professors or students and they have more important things on their minds than the custodial staff. More often than not there is just two of us in the building. My concern has been focused on when we clock in and out. It is when the entire shift is framed into a small pace, though I usually make a point of staying out of the way.

Still, I do remember the last time I thought to gauge the reactions of people regarding Trans people and I cannot say I am not nervous… However, I think back to all of the fears and concerns I have had with each step I have taken and how it has yet to be as bed as I have worried myself sick over… Besides, I know this is what I must do. Living in fear, never trusting yourself or others, is no way to live. It really isn’t and allowing internal forces to hold me back is what caused me so many problems over the years. I’m not entirely past it, but I know my need to live an authentic life now outweighs any fears I have. Trying to take the easy path, to go with the flow, to not make waves, to not stand out isn’t an answer. It isn’t living and it is being dishonest with yourself.

You can only hang on to a falsehood for so long before comes apart and you along with it…

Now, as I said, beginning tonight I am taking the first steps to being my true self, but as someone mentioned, I need to maintain my common sense.

I am going to take small steps just as I have been doing. A shift in my physical appearance. I have already allowed my hair and nails to grow so another small change isn’t going to stand out. There is no need to change the way I have always dressed, jeans, a t-shirt or sweatshirt depending on the weather. A coat or jacket when needed. What I wear away from work is a different matter, but I have been out most weekends and I know what works for me. For now, turtlenecks or sweaters, blue or black jeans. Tennis shoes or low heeled boots.

I haven’t worn a wig for awhile simply because pulling my hair back and wearing a hat works for me.

I’m not big on makeup either. For work it is more trouble than it’s worth and so far I am being seen as female regardless. If there is something special, then I’ll get fancied up, but otherwise why should I? 

On a side note, A rarely wears makeup and neither do most of the women at work, so it I fit right in.

On the matter of names…

This is a little more difficult because I would really prefer being called Kira, but I have been at this job since 1997 and all this time I have only been known by my birth name. I can’t and don’t, expect everyone to suddenly shift gears and call me something else. Same with pronouns. Yes, it’s annoying, but I can live with it for the moment. The future my hold something different.

I eventually plan on legally changing my name and hopefully my gender markers, but that is for the future and I’m not going to stress out about it now… I have enough on my plate already.

What will I do if there is an issue? I really don’t know. I could think up a thousand plans but none of them would matter in the moment. I just have to keep my eyes and ears open.

Really, what else can I do?

Hopefully things will go smoothly and over the coming months and years I will come to be seen as who I am and not who I was.

In Response

For some reason WordPress isn’t allowing me to access my Notifications through any of my browsers, (Chrome, Safari). I can still answer short comments via my phone but detail responses are difficult.

So, because I felt it was important to respond to one comment in particular, I am doing so here instead, I hope Robin doesn’t mind.

Let me copy her comment here and then I will respond below.

“I found that while I had to wait, going to a gender therapist to confirm what I knew in my heart was very affirming and helped a little. Daily application of moisturizer and shaving almost all of my body hair helped, too. Sometimes, since I had to work in “boy mode”, wearing something feminine underneath (bra, panties, maybe a chemise) helped… all stuff that no one noticed (despite my fear it would be glaringly obvious).

I also recommend you start shopping for wardrobe *now*. Shoes, coats, gloves, scarves, hats, skirts, blouses… all of it. You will need an obscene amount of clothing when you do go full time… and buying pretty things (even if you’re on a thrift store budget like I am) can help.

Also, remember you are on a process… it won’t happen overnight, but little by little you will get there. *hug*”

 

Robin,

I am currently in therapy, though not with a GS. Unfortunately the nearest ones are in Chicago which is a three hour drive.Still my therapist, Jodi, has been a tremendous help for me in working through many issues and I am thankful to her for her support.

As for my “stealth” presentation… Mostly this is an issue when it comes to work. I am not conformable with the idea of coming out to my employer or coworkers and I have to admit I might never be. So I will continue to present as male there for the foreseeable future, though I admit this might have to change at some point.

Because of this, I do some similar things to yourself; using moisturizer, body shaving, using Secret instead of men’s Speed Stick, I have also let my hair and nails grow out, wear a pony tail and clear nail strengthener in place of polish. All of these things do help, though it often the use of my birth name and male pronouns which cause the most problems.

On the issue of dressing; for work I have found there is little difference between what I use to wear and what I do now. In fact, no one has really noticed the slight changes I have made which are more about being comfortable rather than obviously feminine. T-shirts, sweat shirts, jeans. All of this is pretty gender neutral outside of sizes and fabrics and who looks so close anyway?

Away from work is a different story and here I have to say my dysphoria is more about my internal dialogue than it is about other’s reactions.

I have breast “enhancers”, silicone shapers, which give me the correct shape. I wear pretty much women’s clothing exclusively although I do often wear those same T-shirts, sweat shirts, and jeans as I do to work depending on my mood and how lazy I feel. 

 I really do have a decent wardrobe at this point, tops, pants, black and blue jeans, mock necks, turtle necks, sweaters, cardigans, pullovers, some button up blouses, three quarter and full sleeves. I happen to have some tattoos). I also have a decent collection of shoes and boots including flats and heels, sneakers and even a pair of furry house boots.

I also have acquired some jewelry, a necklace, a bracelet, and ring which I often wear regardless of how I want people to see me.

In addition I also have a Winter coat and a leather jacket for Spring and Fall. I have several scarves, though I want to get more and two purses, one with matching wallet.

I also have two wigs, though how often and where I wear them is a point of contention with my partner. If you look through my posts or “About” page you can see me with them on.

99% of my shopping is through thrift store, consignment shops, and garage sales. As I like to say, I have champaign taste on a beer pocketbook!

If I buy anything new it is only when there is a great sale.

Now, as I mentioned earlier, much of my current problems are internal. It is the way I project my fears and expectations onto those around me and not the way I have been spoken to or treated. In fact, as time passes I find I am greeted with female pronouns and generally treated as a woman more often than not. Those time when I am not, it is because I have had to use my birth name or am presenting androgynously enough the other person isn’t sure how to address me.

The fact I am so often aware of those things which I feel mark me as “different” is more on me than anyone, after all, I am the most aware of those things being an issue, most people don’t even notice. This is true of my voice which is a major sticking point to me. I have been told time and again it is more than passing, yet to me it is completely wrong… I don’t know what I think it should be, but it isn’t what I hear. 

As for the other part… well, there are ways of reducing how noticeable such things are and I am looking into those. Thankfully they aren’t overly expensive as such things go and I plan to have something before Summer arrives.

 

Let me add something here… In the end it doesn’t matter what I do, what procedures I have done, what training I engage in; there is only so far I can go in transition.

There will be a point beyond which I cannot pass, after all, my past is what it is and cannot be changed. Also there is basic biological differences between what I can achieve and what I would have been born with… bone structure, nerve endings, skin texture, hair texture… there is quite a list of what will always set me apart from my sisters. The thing is, only I can come to terms with such things. Only I can become fully comfortable in my own skin. There is no magic pill for it. I have to do it for myself and this is what I am struggling with at the moment. 

Yet you know something?

Right now, with all of the ups and downs, doubts and fears… I feel more complete and at peace with myself than I have err felt in my life.

I can look in the mirror, see who is there and smile because, makeup or no, hair or no, half asleep or wide awake, it is me there and she is a beautiful person.

Kira: In My Own Words

I wanted to wait until after my therapy session to write something more personal. It has been nearly a month since I last saw Jodi, before Christmas. With the holidays and her taking a vacation it just wasn’t feasible to try and do anything before now.

I was a real jabber jaw today and the time flew by before I knew it, which is good. It really felt nice to just sit and talk with someone who is an objective observer. There is no fear of judgment or ridicule which takes so much stress of a conversation.

For those of you who read this blog regularly know I have my times. I have long had a habit of thinking things to death and combined with a tendency to take things out of context or more personally than intended. So often I have found myself a dog chasing her own tail. Getting no where and making myself dizzy. 

There are time though, when all of this self examination pays off. When I have had time to work through it.

This past month has ben such a time. In the beginning I was worried and confused by my feelings or my lack of them. I have lived for so long in a constant whirlwind, for me all of the noise and chaos were just another day. Now, between medicine and therapy I have the ability to experience what most people take for granted, which is a relatively calm mind capable of clear thought. I also have ways to sort out my emotions, to bring sadness and depression under control by keeping them in perspective. Before they could balloon out of control, becoming so overwhelming the consumed my life for days or weeks at a time.

Control, tools, and finding balance. All of these come together so in the end I can find my way clear of the distractions, to step back and see the forest for the trees. I’m still learning, still finding my way through this new view of the world. I’m going to make mistakes, loose my way rom time to time, become overwhelmed… The difference is, I have been handed a compass and a rough map so with time I can find my way back.

This is where I find myself today. Speaking to Jodi I realized just how much I have changed. How my view of situations has become clearer and I am able to face things a little easier without falling into a panic.

My view of myself has also changed dramatically. Before the very thought of being myself in public, to presenting as female was more then I could imagine. Now, there are more times when regardless of what I look like hear female pronouns and if I don’t? Well, it’s annoying but doesn’t lead to me crashing and burning like it did in the past.

You see, as I was talking I realized something about myself, something which has snuck up on me when I was concerned with other things…

I find I am more comfortable in my own skin.

Now I still have ups and downs, times when things bother me more than they should, yet over all, I’m not concerned with how others see me any more. All that matters is how I see myself.

Is it nice when I am correctly gendered? Of course. Would I rather take the time to get done up before I go out, knowing doing so will make being seen and accepted much more likely? Yes.

But there are also times when I just don’t care. I dress for the weather, for comfort. I don’t fight with wearing a wig or makeup, sometimes I don’t even wear my enhancers. You know why? For one, I’m lazy. For another I know who I am inside regardless of any thing else and I am comfortable with myself. It doesn’t hurt that I have been correctly gendered regardless of how I thought I was presenting.

Male mode, en femme, Greg or Kira… I don’t even think in these terms any more. They are meaningless. I am me. Nothing more, nothing less and I really have nothing to prove to anyone. 

This doesn’t change the path I am on. At some point I am going to legally change my name. I am going to seek to have my gender markers changed. I want to look more into HRT. I don’t know if I will need or want to go any further than this, but no isn’t the time to worry about it. It isn’t a driving need at the moment though I accept it might be one day. There is no reason to get worked up about it. If it happens, then it does. If not, then not.

More every day I see and think of myself as Kira. Kira Anne Moore… “K” (Kay), to my friends if they are so willing.

I again explained to Jodi Greg was a costume, a mask and a bundle of expectations I wore because I want to be accepted. To be included, to have friends and lovers and all the things most people have. I wanted to be loved by my family. To feel a part of something outside of myself. 

I tried to be this person. I tried to meet expectations. I took on the mannerisms I thought were expected. Tried to share the interests of those around me. Tired to play a part for which I was woefully unequipped to play.

I couldn’t do it any more.

Meeting Jodi was a real blessing. The last time I tried to get help, I was left in pretty much the place where I had started. There was no real effort on anyone’s part to try and do what I needed, which was help me. She saw me. Heard me. Listened. Before I had to fight every step of the way just to be acknowledged and then it was just to be handed a bunch of pills, patted on the head, and sent on my way…

I have spoken of the past two years and what I long struggle it has been… Yet, this is just blink. Nothing really when I look at how long I have been making my way to the point where I am now, sitting here typing these words.

I was 10 when I first realized there was something different about me, I am going to be 48 this year…

38 years to find my truth. a lifetime and more to begin the journey I should have began the first day I stood in front of mirror with a towel over my head wishing it was my real hair. When I stood barefoot on a cold concrete floor about to do something which felt so right even as it terrified me beyond words.

The first time I reached the breaking point. When I stood in disbelief as the walls of my mind were torn asunder, as I was left with nothing but death as a companion, I was shuffled off out of sight, out of mind. No one wanted to be bothered. No one wanted to take the time to find the truth which was waiting just under the carpet where I had been sweeping it for years. It was 1988.

I could spend time wishing for what could have been, but what use would it be? Nothing would change, nor should it. 

It has been a long hard journey, but if I had not seen the things I have seen, learned what I have learned, I would not be the person I am today. Every mistake, every scar, every wound, every scrape and bruise I have earned. It hasn’t been easy and sometimes the pain was more than I thought I could bear, yet I did. I have and I will.

I stand here today because of what has gone before. I have walked under the sun and felt the wind in my hair. I have heard my name from other lips and I have been seen and accepted as who I truly am. Nothing can take those things from me.

What I do. What I have done. The person I was before never could never have done.

Could never have dreamed the dreams I have. 

From slavery to freedom I have fought and clawed. 

I have earned this.

I deserve this.

I will have this.

 

I will say to anyone who asks;

This path is not easy, but nothing worth achieving ever is.

Not everyone can do this, but how will you know if you never try?

It is worth it.

If you do nothing else, trust yourself. It’s difficult to do but the rewards are beyond compare.

I Used My Male Name Today

I used my male name today.

The when and where are not important. How doing so made me think and feel is. One simple word, nothing more. Something I have done countless times over so many years. This time. This time was different. It felt awkward and strange. It felt alien and wrong. It wasn’t who I am. I’m not sure it ever was. It was almost an epiphany, yet not. Almost deja vu, yet not.

Somewhere in my heart I knew this day would come. 

It seems I still held onto the thought I could close Pandora’s Box. Thought I could, when push came to shove, return at least outwardly to what I had been before. The thought I could do so with little or no consequence. Yet I knew. I knew a time would come when it just wasn’t possible any longer.

I used my male name today. When, where, even why are pointless details. 

As soon as the word was out of my mouth I knew.

I knew I could no longer use it and think nothing of it. 

It wasn’t me. It felt as if I were lying to the person in front of me. 

It felt wrong.

As the day passed, traveling here and there, I knew something more. I knew I couldn’t face the world half way. I couldn’t hope to dance the razors edge without getting cut.

I must face things head on, as myself. Not hiding even behind a baseball cap. 

I just can’t do it, no matter if it seems the right thing to do at the time. Not if it seems to be the easier path.

It will never be right again.

The easiest path is rarely the correct way, leading to greater pain and suffering than taking on a challenge head on from the start.

A Long Day

It’s been a long day which is a good thing.

Started off this morning with a call from Jodi, seems we got our signals crossed and she didn’t realize I didn’t know I was suppose to have a session scheduled for today. Things ended well though, she asked to meet me at Stake & Shake, which if you don’t know is a sit down semi-fast food place. She asked me to come wearing my hair, which I did. We spent about half an hour or so just talking over coffee. The main reason for meeting there was she wanted to see how I felt being in public and you know what? I was completely comfortable. One thing I am learning is not to think too much about things and just be myself. Do this and no one seems to give me a second thought… it’s a very nice feeling. Jodi even commented on the fact I seemed to be at ease which is a good thing. We also talked about my down turn over the past couple of days and she advised I should expect to go through cycles like this, at least for the forseeable future and noted I seem to have worked through it properly, which makes me feel better.

Speaking of which, I am doing better in case you can’t tell. 😉

After our meeting I picked up A and we went out and finished our Christmas shopping for the kids. We also stopped and got lunch and later dinner, all with me as myself. I point this out because it’s important to note A still isn’t 100% comfortable with me presenting female in public but I understand her reasons. For one, she is getting use to seeing me this way outside of the house but more, she is worried for me with how people will react to me. She doesn’t want to see me accosted verbally or embarrassed in any way, and I assured her knowing this means a great deal to me. I know all too well she could have walked away more than once, yet she has remained by my side and it is something I can never repay her for.

During the day, we picked up lunch at Jersey Mike’s where I was able to tell them my name is Kira without a second thought when asked and the person taking my order didn’t bat an eye.

We went to Big Lots (a discount store), Wal-Mart, Aldi’s (discount groceries), Toys-R-Us, and Costco. Everything went better than I could have hoped, not a single hiccup with the exception of Costco when we both forgot to have A use her card, using mine instead as was asked if “He” was with us to which we both replied “kinda, sorta”. To her credit, the cashier didn’t miss a beat nor said another word. 

All and all it was a one of the most relaxing, stress free days I’ve had in as long as I can remember. 

(I know this going to sound strange, but I do feel somewhat guilty for how good I’m feeling right now. It’s mostly due to knowing this is something which bothers A. I don’t like the thought my happiness comes at someone else’s expense. I know this is something I am going to need to work through, it will just take some time.)

Crossing The Glass

I once watched a television show in which they were showing how optical illusions affected children, most noticeably those who were crawling. In one experiment they put the child on a table. Both ends were opaque with large red and white squares and were connected by a piece of clear glass. The table was on a checkered floor, also red and white but with smaller squares making it seem much further away than it was. Even though the child could feel the glass and could rest its weight on it, yet the child refused to cross the glass. Even when shown it was safe, still the child would not cross. The illusion of distance became an insurmountable barrier.

With time and patience, by being shown it is possible, eventually the child will learn to cross the glass, to trust its senses and know there is a way across even if it cannot see it.

I am no longer a baby, toddler, or child. Yet in many ways this is a lesson I have had to relearn. To once again trust my thoughts, emotions, and senses. To understand, even when I cannot see or understand how, there is a way across. 

I have reached a decision point, the edge of the known where I have been for so long. It isn’t comfortable or even desirable to stay but in order to move beyond this requires a leap of faith, an embracing of the unknown and trusting the glass will hold my weight. I don’t know what is waiting for me on the other side. I know what I hope is there. What I wish to find, but I will never know unless I take one more step forward.

I have seen others who have crossed the glass, who are crossing even as you read this. I have seen their stumbling steps, those moments of uncertainty and fear. I have also watched others overcome the fear and move onward. They are waiting for me even now. They have spoken words of encouragement, they have shown what is possible. 

 

I spoke with A when I got home from work. I told her of my fears. I told her how much it hurt me to know I have hurt her and knowing I will do so again before this is over.

I told her I didn’t want to see her hurt again…

I didn’t cry, though I wanted to. She asked me not to, if I broke down she would have too. Maybe there will come a time for those tears in the future.

We both agreed I cannot stop here. I cannot go back. To do either would be more than I could bear. There is only forward from here. As she told me, I have to do what I must and of course, to take baby steps. There is still o a long way to travel yet and no need to rush. I will get there when it is time for me to do so.

For the moment I am going to work on being myself on the weekends, as long as possible each day. I will work on the things I need to get right every day for when I go full time. You see, I know it is only a matter of when, not if. I think I have known this for a long time even if I couldn’t make myself accept the truth.

There were other things of which we spoke, yet the most important is this;

Either of us could have walked away before now and yet we are still here. We are still facing this together and I think it says a great deal about our relationship.

Now Welcoming Epiphany To The Center Stage

I sometimes wonder at my own arrogance…

Poster

I don’t remember when it was but I read a post once in which someone spoke of reaching a day when dressing as themselves was just a normal part of the day and not an “event” which required careful thought and planning. At the time I thought, “well, she’s not the same as me, I don’t make an event of being myself; after all, I’m Kira all the time.”

Looking back I wish I could tell this person, “I’m sorry. I didn’t understand.”

Still, no excuse for being snotty about it… 

Today I realized, being myself is still as much of an event as it was the first Halloween I went out. It was repeated this year as well. I have been thinking quite a lot about at least wearing my hair when I go out on the weekends. I don’t really go anywhere during the week, between work, the kids, and a little sleep I just don’t have a chance to do anything other than household chores so it isn’t an issue.

Still, in thinking about something as simple as going to my therapy session or shopping, I realized I was turning such mundane things into something bigger, somehow more important and this isn’t what I want. It isn’t how I would like to live my life and in that moment I realized just what a long ago blog post was really about.  

I want mundane. I want to wake up and just be. Millions of women get up every day and put on a wig. The reasons are many and few could be viewed as major life events. This is what I want for myself and I can see just what such a thing really means in the bigger picture of simply being myself. 

What lead me to this realization was in thinking about the way I am interacting with others, especially women when I’m at work. This has proven to be stressful because this is the time when I present as male, when I know and understand I am being seen as such and people reactions to me in the most simple of things is based on this belief. It makes me hyper aware of how I look and sound… I become self conscience and truthfully, it hurts. Yes, I know this is my own doing but it does’t make it any easier.

This has become an issue in the last few days because I have had several female students doing late work in my building and of course I have to speak and interact with them. Every little thing which in my mind points me out as being different turns into a knife blade grating against my bones. I know much of this is in my head, but it is how I feel and I haven’t figured out a way to overcome it.

I project my own fears and insecurities onto those around me and it distorts everything. To me, my voice is too deep, too grating, too male. I envision what others see and think I look like some guy… my true self obscured and distorted by their expectations… Later when I have a chance at reasoned thought I know it isn’t them; it’s me.

I don’t know how to get past this. Not yet. 

Sadly I believe much of this stems from all the years I was worried about being seen as male. I became so focused on the image I was trying to portray I forgot to just be myself. Now I am having to try and learn who I am and to see myself properly again.

Talk It Out

I went to therapy this morning. I was ambivalent about going… I know it helps but there are times when I wonder if the help I find does’t lead into more trouble. I know it seems backward, yet every step forward I have taken has made the next one more difficult. Then again, I have a habit of over thinking these things and stressing myself out.

I’m not sure just where to start with the conversation between Jodi and I. I know she could tell I was having problems and my getting more upset the closer it was to my scheduled time didn’t help… Even now, sitting here thinking about things, I can feel the stress building and I can’t even tell you the reason for it… I just know I’m on the verge of tears…

I told her about feeling as if trying to live two lives is slowly tearing me apart… I told her about coming out to another coworker and my fear it will cost me my job, also about coming out to my old friend who has not said another word to me since. I spoke of how being on the receiving end of male pronouns is becoming more and more difficult to accept…

She asked if I had thought about going out wearing my hair, which I have more than once, thigh I haven’t done so yet… I know I will, it isn’t “if” but “when” now… She responded by saying she doubted anyone would use male pronouns if I did. She also told me she could grantee it won’t matter if word gets around at work, odds are people have been talking about me already… the long hair, the nails, that I act like a woman, talk like a woman… I suppose this would just be conformation, not some shocking revelation.

She told me it was likely I have been making people wonder about if I’m male or female for awhile now… which brought up the issue of pronouns again. As she pointed out, I could have a great day in every respect and still focus on the single time when someone mis-gendered me and she’s correct. Yesterday I had to make a trip to the store. None of the women I spoke to used any pronouns at all, the one man I spoke to called me “Mister” and that was all which stuck in my head. It’s happened in similar ways before. I can have a dozen nice encounters and I will zone in on the single bad one, which really wasn’t bad with the exception of a single word.

It was also pointed out to me, not for the first time, I am entirely too hard on myself… I am without a doubt my harshest critic. Both Jodi and A have told me this over and over again, now I just to get it through my thick skull.

As Jodi told me, every woman has things she doesn’t like about herself. Things about which she is self conscience. I’m no different. In fact this is something everybody deals with to one extent or another, it’s just part of being human. She’s right of course…

Another thing is I project my own doubts and fears onto everyone around me, assuming they see me the way I see myself. Thinking they are judging me the way I judge myself when the truth is, at this point I come across as more feminine than male. Enough so it gives people pause. I guess it is because she is the only one I have heard this from leads me to think she is just being once to me even though I know she has no reason to be anything but honest. After all, she is there to help me and I doubt she would see lies as being helpful in any way.

I do have to wonder…

Is what I am feeling now just another example of me trying to sabotage myself? Is this the part of me which feels I don’t have a right to be happy? To truly be myself? Which insists I’m not not worth the effort, not worthy of living a life in which I am not in constant pain…

Because pain is what I am feeling. This cold weight on my chest and endless waves of doubt and anxiety. 

There is fear too. Of the unknown, of the untested, of failure or being mistaken… or just plain wrong…

Something else I mentioned to Jodi was I have gone out of my way to avoid uncomfortable situations, paths in my life which I saw as too difficult, too prone to failure… I asked myself over and over, what if I’m not good enough. What if I’m wrong and what I think of as special is really a terrible failure? 

(Funny, sitting here, thinking these things, watching as the words scroll across the screen, I can see the scene from ‘Back To The Future” when the elder McFly says almost the exact same thing… Yet this is real life, not some movie where everything is resolved before the reel ends… This is reality, not make believe and failure has real consequences. 

Part of what scares me is not failing myself, but failing those who depend on me… What I do to myself is one thing, but what I cause in the lives of others is another.

I have to find balance somehow… I just don’t know how.

Now, just a fair warning… I decided to add a pic. Without makeup, without a wig… just plain ole me as I truly am… My God have mercy on my soul…

Kira Plain

Thoughts

Sometimes it takes reading someone else’s thoughts and words to make me realize something about myself. I may not want to acknowledge it, I might resent having a light shown into the shadows, yet I cannot deny what I see. What I feel. What I know is truth.

I know she didn’t pen her words with me in mind. No, she has bigger things to think about. Still, Ali said something today which also spoke to me in a way I cannot ignore.

In her post she is speaking about her upcoming appointment to begin HRT.

 “I’m not sure if it’s because I’m winning or surrendering.”

I so often wonder this as well.

“The truth is, I don’t think I could ever have gone on living if I hadn’t reached this point.”

Again, I can relate to this, though some days it’s still a struggle not to do something drastic and permeant. 

“That’s exactly how I feel about my appointment next week. The sound of inevitability. The sound of death. Because in the film, Smith is right. When Neo suddenly makes his declaration — “My name is Neo!” — and breaks free of Smith’s grip, that is the moment when Mr. Anderson dies. That’s the moment in the film when Neo is fully born, when he begins to believe in who he is and lets go of who he was. 
This appointment is, for me, inevitability. I have been headed for it my entire life, even when I didn’t know it. When I take that first dose next week, it’s going to be the moment I really let go of who I was and embrace who I am. It’s the moment I will begin to feel fully born.”

The above is what struck the deepest chord with me. I can see now I am struggling to hold onto what has already slipped from my grasp. To grasp for the tattered remains of life which in so many ways doest exist any more… Much as A refuses to use my name because it will mean she has lost “Him”, I am doing the same and for much the same reason. He was comfortable. Not heathy or right, just seemingly better than the unknown of being true to myself. Just as I have found with taking an antidepressant, my “normal” has been anything but. It has been a warped and twisted version of reality, but it was my version. One I have lived with my entire life and I was comfortable there. Comfortable in the pain and misery, comfortable in the confusion and unhappiness… because staying there was easier and less terrifying than the alternative. I guess I’m like the bird in the golden cage who, when given her freedom, refuses to leave because the known is better than the unknown. 

I’m not making excuses, just giving an explanation. I know on so many levels what I am feeling is wrong. It is dangerous and it is killing me, yet I find it so difficult to let go of those golden bars and fly…

I can see now, there must come a time when I say “My name is Kira!” and I accept the death of who I was to became who I must be.

I’m just not sure if I can do it…

And yes, I am scared. Terrified of the unknown both inside and out. Maybe acknowledging the fear, (as if I could deny it), will be the first real step I have to take.