Yesterday was bad and after I hit “Publish” on my last post, it went into a nosedive. There are a number of things I need to work trough before I’ll be ready to write about them; maybe once I talk with my therapist next week, but only time will tell.

If I thought last night was rough then today was ready to show me what a bad day really looked like beginning with having a police officer at my front door to do a welfare check… not on me, but on my youngest who had someone concerned about them enough they called social services. Now his mother and I are looking to get him into therapy and taking a number of precautions as well.

I remember when each of my children were small how difficult it was to get much, if any, sleep. As much from overall concern to the practical reasons every parent deals with and now, all these years latter, I wonder if I’ll ever be able to sleep comfortably again.

Maybe I Can’t Do This After all.

I am so tired all I want is to close my eyes and let the darkness envelop me. No thoughts nor dreams, just silence. Yes, much of this is physical exhaustion from a long day trying to do too much, yet it isn’t only this. There is a mental exhaustion which has ben digging deeper and deeper into my heart and soul until I find myself fading out in the most dangerous times. At some point I expect it’s going to get me seriously injured if not killed, which to be honest might just be what something deep inside wants.

See, I have been trying to go back to how things were before all of this insanity began, to the time when I simply existed from one day to the next never having explored the parts of myself I have spent so much time writing about in this blog, To the days when all of the questions didn’t have answers as much because I didn’t know what to ask as not excepting what answers I had found. To the when I simply excepted what I had been told since I was old enough to remember. That I was born one way and it was something to accepted, unchanging and unchangeable.

God, things were so simple then.

For the better part of this year I have moved between wanting, no needing, to follow where my heart leads and slamming on the breaks for days and weeks at a time when I refuse to do anything. Of telling myself I have been wrong, misdirected, delusional, or just plain insane. Anything to convince myself I can continue without following a path which terrifies me to my very core. Which forces me to look deeper than my reflection in a mirror to ask not only what I am but who I am really when all pretense has been stripped away and I don’t know if I can survive what I might find.

Maybe I don’t even want to, just waking up seems to take every ounce of energy I possess to keep from breaking down and just giving up.

How To Overcome Imposter Syndrome, According To Psychologists

How To Overcome Imposter Syndrome, According To Psychologists:

The term imposter syndrome dates back as far as the 1970s. One of its early introductions was in a 1978 article titled, “The Impostor Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention,” by psychologists Dr. Pauline R. Clance and Dr. Suzanne A. Imes. “Impostor syndrome is a set of beliefs that leave you feeling doubtful of your skills, ability, and whether you deserve to be at the table, and that you will inevitably be exposed as a fraud,” says Dr. Ayanna Abrams, Psy.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist and owner of Ascension Behavioral Health in Atlanta, GA.

Mental Health Conditions | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

Mental Health Conditions | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness:

A mental illness is a condition that affects a person’s thinking, feeling, behavior or mood. These conditions deeply impact day-to-day living and may also affect the ability to relate to others. If you have — or think you might have — a mental illness, the first thing you must know is that you are not alone. Mental health conditions are far more common than you think, mainly because people don’t like to, or are scared to, talk about them. However:

1 in 5 U.S. adults experience mental illness each year
1 in 25 U.S. adults experience serious mental illness each year
1 in 6 U.S. youth aged 6-17 experience a mental health disorder each year
50% of all lifetime mental illness begins by age 14, and 75% by age 24
A mental health condition isn’t the result of one event. Research suggests multiple, linking causes. Genetics, environment and lifestyle influence whether someone develops a mental health condition. A stressful job or home life makes some people more susceptible, as do traumatic life events. Biochemical processes and circuits and basic brain structure may play a role, too.

None of this means that you’re broken or that you, or your family, did something “wrong.” Mental illness is no one’s fault. And for many people, recovery — including meaningful roles in social life, school and work — is possible, especially when you start treatment early and play a strong role in your own recovery process.

Majority of LGBTQ youth experiencing anxiety, depression amid Covid, poll finds

Majority of LGBTQ youth experiencing anxiety, depression amid Covid, poll finds

A majority of LGBTQ youth reported experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression amid the pandemic, according to poll released Friday by Morning Consult and The Trevor Project, an LGBTQ youth suicide prevention and crisis intervention organization.

Early care leads to better mental health for transgender youths, study finds

Early care leads to better mental health for transgender youths, study finds:

Transgender children who receive gender-affirming medical care earlier in their lives are less likely to experience mental health issues like depression and anxiety, according to a new study published in the journal Pediatrics.