Depression

Days and Days

There are days when you awake and think, today is going to be a good day and it is. A day when sadness and pain wont dull the light in your eyes. When a sound, color, song or memory doesnt threaten to crush the breath from your lungs or leave you on your knees without the strength to stand. A day when you can lay your head on your pillow and not fear falling asleep for the darkness which awaits.

Then there are the other days.

The ones where just opening your eyes takes so much effort it leaves you exhausted. Days when the smallest things sends your heart racing in fear. The ice of panic swelling in your chest until you cant catch a breath. Times when you cannot understand why youre alive at all, wondering if God hates you so much He takes pleasure in your pain. Everything in your life seems so pointless, meaningless. When every word you speak, every action you take does nothing but cause pain to those around you. Life becomes an ocean in which your drowning and you know no one else can see your struggles or hear the cries for help which remain locked in your throat.

And you never know which it is going to be today.

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Depression, Mental Health

In-Depth: Living with Depression

In-Depth: Living with Depression:

After receiving a diagnosis of major depression, you might feel relieved to have a name for your emotional pain and you might feel overwhelmed about the treatment at hand. However, you’re not alone. Between 10 and 25 percent of women and 5 to 12 percent of men will have a major depressive disorder in their lifetime.

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Personal

Where To From Here

While I am writing this to myself, I am also posting it here. Im not sure just who should read it because I dont know what might trigger someone. So please, proceed with caution and if need be get out. I couldn’t stand knowing someone had been hurt because of what I write here.

 

 

 

The past several weeks have been harder than I am willing to admit. Much of my life has been turned upside down and inside out. Much of this is family issues and I don’t feel comfortable discussing it without permission but suffice it to say I have been forced to stand face to face with sides of me I have never been completely comfortable with. Along the way I have had every issue, thought, fear, and memory dredged up from the past to mock and condemn me. Not just during the waking hours but even in my dreams.

I cannot get away and I’m not sure if I really want to anymore. Just let these demons devour me and be done with it.

I am tired beyond words, exhausted in every way possible. Most of the time I can’t concentrate. My focus wonders to the point I have lost track of where I am while driving. I have lost days, even entire weeks where I have no memory of what was said or done. Things simply disappear into a haze.

Now, if you’re familiar with what being transgender entails, then most likely you have heard of de-transitioning or reverting to your birth gender. Sometimes it is a conscious decision, other times it is a matter of circumstance. Things conspire to make it difficult to continue living as your target gender.

Things which are often beyond your control.

In my case things spiraled out of control. They were happening so fast it was difficult to keep ahead of them and not be steamrolled. As a result I didn’t have the time or the means to present as anything other than male, even to the point I was unable to shave for an entire month. I wonder if you can understand what this does to a person? How, suddenly, you are faced with an image of yourself as your worst nightmare. A monster waiting in every reflection, cast in every shadow.

Every moment.

Every day.

Day

After

Day.

 

This has been difficult enough even if it had been the only thing I have been dealing with. What makes it even more so is this has been the latest in a series of issues going back months… years, well pretty much my entire life up to this point. I have spent countless hours researching. Learning just what I’ve been dealing with and how to overcome those challenges. Countless hours more watching and listening to others who have gone through some of what I have, trying to gain the tools I thought I needed. Sounds like a good thing to do, right? Well, it’s pretty much useless as long as you don’t believe in yourself. When you don’t trust yourself, your judgment, even you own thoughts and emotions. There are always those little whispering voices telling you you’re not good enough, you’re not worth enough. Telling you you’re a fool. delusional, misinformed, misremembering, taking events and words out of context or just plain wrong.

Telling you you’re too stupid to make such decisions on your own… after all, look at all the times you’ve been wrong in the past. How many times you couldn’t do even the simplest things without messing them up.

For Gods sake, you couldn’t even kill yourself right!

You’re useless!

You’re worthless!

You’re pointless!

No one wants to hear. No one wants to listen, NO ONE CARES!

 

It would have been better if you had never been born.

 

I am at the point where I don’t believe continuing this fight is even worth it. In the end nothing will have changed.

 

 

 

 

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Here She Goes Again…

I’m afraid this post is likely to be a rambling mess for which I apologize.

There has been a lot going on today in my head, which I suppose isnt a surprise to anyone who knows me I went from up to neutral to down as the day progressed which ended after I had a conversation with A this evening. 

I’m sure there are a number of things I can blame my thought processes on but regardless of why I treat myself so badly, in the end I know I am the one who has to take responsibility because it not only affects myself but those around me and trying to play it off isn’t doing anyone any good.

I have been fighting with myself since the very beginning. Constantly insisting I could somehow bottle everything up, toss it in a box, throw it in the deepest hole in my mind and rebury it forever. Of course I knew this was childish, foolish, and pointless but the thoughts and emotions roiling in my head over rode what my heart knew to be true and I tried anyway with disastrous results. Over the past twenty four hours I thought to go down the same path with those same voices telling me I could do it this time… (Then again I also know the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.)

Another analogy here would be someone taking medicine for a life threatening condition and once they started to feel better deciding they no longer needed to continue taking it. You see, those wonderful thoughts and emotions started working overtime once I had experienced one day which was better. I had thoughts of, “If I feel better now, and I’m not trying to be (her)… well then, I should be able to continue to do so as long as I take any questions, doubts, fears, anxiety or depression and just push it into that little box and kicked some dirt over it.

I told myself I could also set aside anything dealing with being transgender. To just stop thinking about it, to clear my mind every time those thoughts and feeling raised their heads. I could do a through house cleaning, both literally and figuratively and just start over with a clean slate.

This also included crushing any memories from my past, especially from my childhood.

(Yes, I know this sounds even more insane than any of my other ramblings but it really has been part of my internal dialogue.)

I’m not sure why I decided to say anything to A about any of this, (other than the fact I have never been able to keep my big mouth shut,) In fact I told myself many times to just keep my decision to myself. I felt if I said nothing then no one would have a reason to worry about me… (yeah, another genius thought…) In the end I did say something and it started a conversation which proved to me this wasn’t what I should be trying to do. Instead of not hurting others, it would only make things worse.

Refusing to simply be myself was creating a lot of stress in everyone. I was unpredictable and unstable. I was also a danger to myself, enough so my therapist has been seriously pushing for me to commit myself for my own safety, (though right or wrong I have felt it wasn’t the right thing for me to do). She pointed out I have had the means and a plan to either hurt or kill myself for sometime and all it would take is one step in the wrong direction to act.

She’s right… I have been a danger to myself for more years than I care to claim. I have made plans, researched methods, thought long and hard as to the time and place but never put any of into action. Part of the reason I have mentioned before, having something, no matter how small or seemingly pointless, planned within the next twenty four hours. A chore, some responsibility, even writing a simple blog post… has kept me going, one day at a time. Maybe doing this small thing to keep myself alive says I’m not really ready to die, I can’t say for certain. Death has been a close companion for far too long.

The thing is, I hope by truly surrendering to the truth of who I am I can not only find peace with myself but a true reason to want to live.

I guess we’ll see, won’t we?

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Apology cont.

I want to continue from my previous post.

What I wrote about, not being good enough or worthy enough are things which happened long ago, from my childhood until my mother’s death some years ago. The only person who is still abusing me is myself, living every day with the echoes of the past still ringing in my ears.

 Some people are able to banish their demons, others learn to live with them or even embrace them while I tell myself I should have left all of it behind long ago but I have never been able to move out of the shadows those days cast upon my soul and I don’t know if I will.

There many parts of my past I cannot remember but there is enough to say I lived in fear of an abusive step father and a mother who never earned the name and while decades have passed I can still recall many of the things they said and did as if it happened yesterday. I still bare the scars on body and soul, many time faded to invisibility, but still vivid and raw in my mind.

People might say I should forgive, rise above and prove them wrong… I wonder how such is possible when the poison has burned into my flesh, blood, and bone.

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Better 

Today was a better day, not as much anxiety and the dysphoria was manageable. 

I read a few articles about depression and emotional abuse which hit close to home, yet I want to read such things to help me understand myself. It’s been said and I believe, knowledge is power. Power to understand, to face my demons, and maybe not defeat them so much as finally being able to live with them.

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Anxiety girl

Anxiety, Mental Health

Anxiety Girl

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