12/28/19

Despite all of the promises I made to myself, I have been having a hard time making the change to being full time; at least this is what I have believed to this point. By this I mean making the effort to present as Kira from the time I wake up until I get ready for bed. More times than not I just throw on the same old clothes I have all along and just accept being mis-gendered.

Funny enough I get as many, if not more, Miss as Sir even on days like today when I didn’t bother to touch a razor. (I can tell you honestly it doesn’t make any sense to me, when I see my reflection all I can see is him…)

Why is this important? Because today I was confronted by a very nice girl of maybe nine or ten who sat down next to me and honestly asked if I was a boy or girl. I asked her if it made a difference, she thought for moment, said “not really”, then asked again. So I asked her what she thought and she told me I had to be a girl because I have long hair and girls have long hair. Boys can have long hair too but it isn’t the same.

So… this has left me with mixed feelings to say the least.

I have to ask, not for the first time, who am I really?

Him, her, or neither?

“Doubt and Denial” From: The Transition Channel – YouTube

Note: This is not an endorsement, I simply found this to be helpful.

 

From the description:

A lot of people who are asking, “Am I transgender?” are doing so from a place of doubt and denial.

Most of my first appointments with people involve talking about their doubts and denial. Deciphering what is valid and what is not valid is a challenge without the outside perspective of an expert for some people. Others it can be simple.

Next Step

I am at a loss. I find myself in a place I never imagined existed, a blank space where I no longer know who I am. I close my eyes and I can’t see myself, I speak and do not recognize my voice. I open my thoughts and they avoid me.

Last Saturday I was lost in a haze, overwhelmed my dark thoughts and emotions but I knew who and what I was even though it was something I despised. I was prepared to let nature take its course one way or another.

Then everything changed.

As I said before, something rose up inside me. I don’t know what it was nor why it blazed to life when it did. It drove me forward when all I wanted to do was stop. It refused to accept defeat when all I wanted was to lie down and die.

I didn’t know what, if anything of my former life might be awaiting me. Every thought was there would be nothing, that A would have had enough, she wouldn’t answer if I called, the door would be locked when I knocked. I knew I would once again find myself alone with nothing but the clothes on my back. I expected nothing more, deserved nothing more.

Even knowing this with every fiber of my being, this thing… this force wouldn’t give up, give in, or let me stop. Even with acid tearing through my body, unable to stand up or walk straight, unable to see beyond my shuffling feet or at times my knees upon the ground, it forced me to continue.

I have mostly recovered physically. There are some twinges and sore muscles to remind me it wasn’t my imagination, but mentally… emotionally, I am battered and torn. I cannot grasp what the force was other than to say it kept me alive despite my best effort. (Of course this speaks the lie I have told myself my entire life… there was an escape hatch if I was courageous to take it. No… there is no escape, no easy out, I am condemned to  see this through to the bitter end.)

What I don’t know is what the path forward may look like, where it leads, or even who I might be once I take the first step.

Mumbling to Myself

I sat down to begin this post and I thought; “So many words, so little said.” Not the most positive way to begin but it sums up how I have been feeling. 

I have wanted to write on a personal level, just as I did in the beginning when I didn’t know what I was doing. Seriously, I was living in a maelstrom I could barely contain, never mind control. There were times when words poured out of my wounded soul and I couldn’t have stopped them if I wanted to. 

Now there are times when I struggle to find something, anything so I can maintain my personal goal of a post a day and it is important to me to be able to do so as it is the only anchor I have.

I’m not sure what I doing. I feel disconnected, mentally adrift. There was a time when I would have sold my soul to make the noise in my head to stop, now I might do the same for it to return. 

It is amazing what can be normal. Accepted. Not understood but as familiar as the beating of your heart. 

So, what happens when it is gone? Never mind the people telling you things are better this way. I mean no one tells you how your suppose to cope with being ‘cured.’

Now I find so many times when I feel nothing, think of nothing. There is a terrible silence which settles onto my soul and I feel as if I am going to suffocate.

It isn’t just the mental and emotional emptiness which I find disturbing; for the majority of the past several years there was the struggle with my identity, not only in regards to gender but also who I was as a person. Even though I often doubted myself, my motives and conclusions I was slowly beginning to find a comfort zone with who I was seeing when I looked into my heart. Now I find myself standing on an endless barren plain where there seems to be no difference between myself and Him. Am I male, female, or nothing at all beyond a collection of biological systems which determine a destiny I can neither control nor change?

From an internal perspective there is little difference between my self image regardless of how I am presenting. The only issue is when I go to a store frequently and the staff has seen my both ways. I can imagine how confusing it must be and it makes me uncomfortable knowing I am not consistent.

Again I ask, am I still Him playing head games or am I Her dealing with the legacy of a lifetime of confusion and lies?

Of course there remains the chance I am simply insane…

Questioning Myself

I begin this with a question to myself; Could I turn back on myself and just walk away?

This isn’t a matter of quitting but of acknowledging the effort is no longer worth the reward. Having swam against the currents of society for so long, do I have the energy, the conviction of purpose to continue?

I look inside and there is no answer.

Sometimes people see me, most times they don’t and as much as I understand what I am doing is for me, it is a hollow victory. As difficult as it is to admit, this seems to be a pointless exercise in futility.

My mind is constantly searching to understand if what I feel is truth or if I am only grasping at excuses and like minded opinions to convince myself I am doing the right thing. I understand there are so many layers to this puzzle it takes time to sort through even the smallest portion. It also takes a tremendous amount of energy and so many days I don’t have it to spare. Just waking up is a mountain to be climbed, dealing with people is almost too much to bear and there it sits, this elephant in the room; do I know who I am or am I grasping at figments of a shattered imagination?