The other day, as I tried to rest, some thoughts slipped into my mind. Unlike so many thoughts and dreams these did not fade once I arose.
First was knowing there will never be a pill, potion, or secret government lab which will transform this body into the form I desire. There will be no deal with the devil or god to reach down and answer my desires or prayers. What I have is what I have been given and I will take it to my grave.
Second to cross my mind was flashes of all the times wanting to be female coursed through my veins and I realized there was a recurring pattern. Much like a dragon from a fantasy story, this desire will rise up from its restless sleep and reign terror all over the unsuspecting land, upsetting lives and destroying everything in sight. Then one day, for what seems to be no reason at all, it would return to its hidden lair and fall to sleep once more. At first all anyone can think about is the dragon and if it will return but as time passes fears turn to stories, then legends, and then myth until it passes from memory all together…
Until the dragon awakes once more.
This last time, which has been going on for years now, is the longest I have struggled with the beast… then again, I have been constantly poking at it with a sharp stick.
Maybe not the smartest decision I ever made.
Early in my transition I was asked by several people why I can’t just accept the way I am. I find it a really hard question to answer in a way that is satisfactory, and that they can understand. The problem is that they’re looking for an answer that can’t be given. The fact of the matter is that transgender people who come out as transgender are finally accepting who they are. Possibly for the first time in their lives they’re doing exactly what the people asking that question are asking them to do.
I’m not in the best of places right now. My thoughts have been taking me down darker paths and while there is a part of me which whispers warnings in the back of my mind, there is also a part of me which welcomes the cold detachment which sends shivers down my spine. I know this is depression, anxiety, and any number of other issues making their presence known but I welcome them when compared to the numbness I feel at other times.
Naturally these don’t happen in a vacuum, my mind is constantly churning, an endless torrent of thoughts and emotions break against my conscience every waking moment. The theme as clear as if they were whispered in my ear.
Take the easy path… quit fighting… accept what is, what cannot be changed, what will never change…
Sink back below the surface, back into the cold embracing arms of hopelessness and regret.
I’m asking what I am trying to hard to achieve? What could be so important I am consumed by trying to understand my desires every waking moment? Why can’t I just continue living as I did for so long? Maybe more important, why did I ever speak out in the first place? Everything would have been better if I had just kept my damn mouth shut and kept my thoughts and feelings to myself.
Seriously, I can’t see things being much worse than they are now…
“Transgender is an umbrella term for persons whose gender identity, gender expression or behavior does not conform to that typically associated with the sex to which they were assigned at birth. Gender identity refers to a person’s internal sense of being male, female or something else; gender expression refers to the way a person communicates gender identity to others through behavior, clothing, hairstyles, voice or body characteristics. ‘Trans’ is sometimes used as shorthand for ‘transgender.’ While transgender is generally a good term to use, not everyone whose appearance or behavior is gender-nonconforming will identify as a transgender person. The ways that transgender people are talked about in popular culture, academia and science are constantly changing, particularly as individuals’ awareness, knowledge and openness about transgender people and their experiences grow. “
“In the wake of draconian laws passed in North Carolina and Mississippi restricting which restrooms transgender people can use, much of the attention has focused on the economic and political backlash to anti-LGBTQ discrimination. Sometimes, public pressure is the best or only tactic that works, and it’s heartening to see economic and political costs imposed on supporters of these odious laws. But it’s easy to forget just how important private conversations can be to securing lasting social change, especially in a campaign where winning hearts and minds is a key goal.”
“When the Supreme Court legalized marriage equality in June 2015, LGBTQ people across the country celebrated a monumental achievement, gained through the persistence, dedication and hard work of countless individuals over many years.”
“People legally change their first, middle, or last names for a variety of reasons: Major life changes—getting married, divorced, or undergoing a gender reassignment—might catalyze a name change, or people might just hate the name they were born with. “
Sometimes you read a blog post or some random article off the web and something just ‘clicks.’ You can’t really explain it, even showing someone else doesn’t elicit the same response. It is simply one of those rare things which can bring a smile to your lips for no other reason than it exists.
In this case it did have a subject I am interested in, writing. No, it didn’t tell how to write the Great American Novel, not even how to write anything at all but it did tell an engaging tale and spoke to some of the frustrations I have felt.
It was about sharing true life experiences, about how and when such things not necessarily should be shared, but when all of the elements of memory, emotion, recollection and writing ability might come together in a form which could be translated into a book others would want to read.
The question is asked, can such things be shared with the public without destroying them?
The answer is most likely, maybe.