After receiving a diagnosis of major depression, you might feel relieved to have a name for your emotional pain and you might feel overwhelmed about the treatment at hand. However, you’re not alone. Between 10 and 25 percent of women and 5 to 12 percent of men will have a major depressive disorder in their lifetime.
You’ve got to love a good old fashioned Midwest winter snow storm. Things began with a call for 3 to 5 inches and we ended up with at least 10. All that pretty white stuff had to be removed from our driveway and do you think my teenage sons did the deed? I would laugh but it would hurt too much… Of course I ended up clearing away the majority which has left me feeling every second of my 50+ years. Thankfully I have a wrist rest or I don’t think I could type this. At any rate, I’ve spent the majority of yesterday and today simply recovering.
Short story long…. I am just too damn old for this.
It’s a strange sensation to hit rock bottom without realizing it. I know it might be difficult to understand how it could happen, truth is, if I wasn’t sitting here just having gone through it I might not believe it myself. The only thing I can think of is the affect of the meds I’m taking. For some time now I have felt distanced from my emotions, as if my head has been stuffed with cotton. Often the sensation has bothered me, much as having too much to drink, I feel as if I’m not in complete control of myself. Knowing there are things which are just out of reach. Now I’m sort of glad for the buffer. Without it I would have done something destructive to myself without a second thought.
As it is, I was well on my way into plans to put a permeant end to myself. It was no longer a matter of if or how but of when and where. I suppose this should scare the daylights out of, but it doesn’t. On some level I know this is a part of who I am and as strange as it sounds, this is something I have to learn to live with.
The good in this is I was able to wake up for another day and decide I’m not ready to take that step. It has lead me to a great deal of thinking and sorting through mounds of emotions along with some real self reflection. By real I mean stripping away all the BS and finally being honest with myself in a way I haven’t been in a long time.
Don’t misunderstand me, this isn’t an ending. It is a beginning, one which is going to take me down a very difficult road and I’m not going to reach my destination any time soon, if ever. Yet I have to do this, I can’t see any other way to try to live.