2018 is fast approaching and with it will come the New Years resolutions, the gym memberships, self help books, helpful websites, and more blogs than you can shake a stick at. Any one of them may be just the inspiration you need for a better you.
This is assuming, of course, there is a “you” to be made better.
What help is there for someone who wakes up one day to the realization they really have no idea of who they are? When you look deep inside and find nothing more than broken pieces of possibilities, unrealized hopes, and forgotten dreams? When you listen to the voices inside and everything you hear are the opinions of others you took in and made your own because you thought they knew you better than you did yourself. When your entire personality is built from reactions borne of self preservation and fear?
“Many people look in the mirror and see someone they don’t like very much. They see faults, flaws and failures. They feel shame, embarrassment and maybe even anger toward themselves.”
Today has been interesting… not necessarily in a good way, but interesting none the less. First I began my new medicine which is an antidepressant and anti-anxiety in a single pill. The antidepressant is half again as strong was my old one and if needed can be increased. Not sure about the anxiety med but I believe it is stronger as well. The interesting thing is I noticed when it began to take affect… or at least it seems I could, might be all in my head of course… but if this works as well as it seems I should be back on track soon.
Of course the mind and conditioning can over power the best medicine as I am all too aware. There have been and will be times when I am going to go through rough patches and probably some very dangerous times but I expect as much…
Today was a rough patch despite all the things which went well. This is something I can place squarely on my upbringing. Years of being told through word and deed, I was a burden who was tolerated because the government made it so… “I’m letting you stay here as long as your in school because I could be arrested if I kicked you out.” (I heard this more than once.)
So today I was feeling down, (before the new meds), thinking How much I dislike my natural hair or having to wear a hat. This coupled with knowing I cannot yet afford to buy a new wig. Still, I couldn’t stay away and went to the wig shop anyway which was good because I found a different one which I like better for the same price. Yet the whole time all I could feel was I was being a burden, more trouble than I was worth, selfish… narcissistic.
It would be better if I just sat down, shut up and keep things to myself. Naturally I couldn’t do it, I talked and talked and just couldn’t shut up… it was like I was in love with my own voice and every thought which went through my head just had to be treated with this greatest of gifts….
Times like this, I make myself sick.
I guess I still have a long way to go on this journey of mine.
“Being yourself seems self-explanatory: just wake up and do what you want to do, without following the crowds, without fear of judgment. That’s not how the world works, though. We tend to stifle our authentic selves to fit in without even realizing it. And doing so suppresses our creativity, ingenuity, and self-awareness.”
Been a long day again today, had the repairmen over to fix the sewer line so now we’re back in business as it were. Got to love tree roots, NOT!
On a family level, there is still quite a bot of stress but I found out today the lawyer is going to be filing this Friday. Maybe then things will be a little calmer. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
On to a personal level…
Something I am trying to do is to stop telling myself I stupid, dumb, or ignorant when I make a mistake. I am none of those things, just human. It isn’t easy, then again I didn’t expect it to be. A lifetime of putting myself down is going to take time to change, but it something I need to do for myself.
When you stop and think about it, it’s amazing just how much we internalize, especially things from our childhood. Parents, teachers, clergy, and friends all say things without considering the consequences. In fact, odds are they have forgotten whatever it was they said or did five minutes after it happened while people like myself seem to never forget… and seriously, this isn’t a healthy habit to have. I know for myself, I use it as a way to punish myself. To prove beyond doubt all those people were right… even when they never were.
I’m sure there are plenty of people in the world who let these things slide off their backs like water on a duck, but that isn’t me. I can take the simplest things and make them into weapons to hurt myself mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. It isn’t someone else doing this to me, it is me doing it to myself. I am often my own worse enemy and even knowing this, I still fall into this destructive cycle. This is something I want to over come, I am stronger than this even in those times I can’t see it myself.
As many of you know, the things I have to deal with come on a complex matrix of levels covering everything from how I process information to self image, from memories to my very identity. Much of this is influenced by my artist leaning which colors every aspect of who I am for better or worse.
I mention because I saw something on television several weeks ago and it is still playing out in my mind. The show is called “Cold Case” and while I cannot remember the name of the episode, what I remember is it involved a transsexual character. At one point the main character was looking at an old picture of this individual from before she began to transition and on the back was written, ‘See Me.’
There was a point when she said to another character, no one sees me.
I understand what she meant.
There was another point when she talked about her male side, saying ‘He follows me everywhere.’
I understand this too.
Oh, how well I understand indeed.
I’m in one of those times when I cannot say I feel completely female, neither do I feel comfortable as male. I am in some directionless place and I feel lost… Shouldn’t I feel this or that way? Shouldn’t I see myself in a certain light?
More times than not I just feel numb.
It is then I question myself. When the doubts a fears crowd my thoughts and vision.
When I look at myself in the mirror and all I can see is someone who is not me…
I have gone through this many times now and I am sure I will do so many more; it just never gets any easier.