A Little Pick Me Up

If there is one way to pick yourself up after a down day… or week, it’s to go shopping! Which is what A did or me today. I bought a grey tunic top, black fleece lined leggings (not shown), and some new socks. Not much, but believe me, it really makes a difference 🙂

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I think I have underestimated just where I am on this journey. After my talk with A earlier this week, I thought things would adjust mentally rather quickly, but I was wrong. The entire episode had brought on some depression… some? Well, let us just say it was bad enough to overcome my dysphoria. 

The thing was, until i returned home and changed, I didn’t realize just how bad I was doing. I guess this is what I get for thinking I can just act like nothing has changed when I know darn good and well it has. It is such a difference internally I can’t fully express what it feels like. It’s almost the sensation you get after being on your feet all day and finally getting home and kicking your shoes off. It is such a relief it almost hurts.

It’s strange in a way because I find I can go to work in plain jane mode and it really doesn’t bother me all too much, but just going to the store the same way is almost more than I can take.

On a totally different note; the FIL came through the third surgery without any major issues, but he’s not out of danger yet. In fact, it will be a while before we know he is going to fully recover. All we can do is try to keep his spirits up and pray.

Am I Missing Something? (Update)

First off let me say I am not complaining, I am however, a little confused. Maybe different eyes will see what ever it is I seem to be missing when I look at myself. Now, I do admit to being critical of my appearance especially when I’m ‘al natural.’ The truth is I expect to be greeted with male pronouns and generally treated like a guy whenever I go out like this. What still throws me a little is being treated as a woman and addressed with female pronouns. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve pretty much given up on the idea of ‘guy mode’ vs ‘girl mode’, I act pretty much the same no matter how I think I am presenting.

Having just said all of this…

I went to Costco again today and again I was walking. First off a gentleman I didn’t know started taking to me after he had caught up to me, and while he didn’t use female pronouns, I had the distinct impression he thought he was speaking to a woman. Then in the store, I was greeted with female pronouns, and seriously, I have noticed women treat me differently, greet me differently, and just seem to be more open and relaxed around me than I ever remember.

Maybe I’m making more of this than it really is. Maybe it nothing more than wishful thinking on my part, but I’m including a picture of how I went out today. (It isn’t the greatest, but my middle boy took it of me so please be kind.) 🙂

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So you tell me, guy? girl, neither?

Oh, and this was all after being mistaken for A on the phone this morning…

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Add this one with my ‘enhancers’ which give me an A cup. I wasn’t wearing them earlier though…

A Long Day

It’s been a long day which is a good thing.

Started off this morning with a call from Jodi, seems we got our signals crossed and she didn’t realize I didn’t know I was suppose to have a session scheduled for today. Things ended well though, she asked to meet me at Stake & Shake, which if you don’t know is a sit down semi-fast food place. She asked me to come wearing my hair, which I did. We spent about half an hour or so just talking over coffee. The main reason for meeting there was she wanted to see how I felt being in public and you know what? I was completely comfortable. One thing I am learning is not to think too much about things and just be myself. Do this and no one seems to give me a second thought… it’s a very nice feeling. Jodi even commented on the fact I seemed to be at ease which is a good thing. We also talked about my down turn over the past couple of days and she advised I should expect to go through cycles like this, at least for the forseeable future and noted I seem to have worked through it properly, which makes me feel better.

Speaking of which, I am doing better in case you can’t tell. 😉

After our meeting I picked up A and we went out and finished our Christmas shopping for the kids. We also stopped and got lunch and later dinner, all with me as myself. I point this out because it’s important to note A still isn’t 100% comfortable with me presenting female in public but I understand her reasons. For one, she is getting use to seeing me this way outside of the house but more, she is worried for me with how people will react to me. She doesn’t want to see me accosted verbally or embarrassed in any way, and I assured her knowing this means a great deal to me. I know all too well she could have walked away more than once, yet she has remained by my side and it is something I can never repay her for.

During the day, we picked up lunch at Jersey Mike’s where I was able to tell them my name is Kira without a second thought when asked and the person taking my order didn’t bat an eye.

We went to Big Lots (a discount store), Wal-Mart, Aldi’s (discount groceries), Toys-R-Us, and Costco. Everything went better than I could have hoped, not a single hiccup with the exception of Costco when we both forgot to have A use her card, using mine instead as was asked if “He” was with us to which we both replied “kinda, sorta”. To her credit, the cashier didn’t miss a beat nor said another word. 

All and all it was a one of the most relaxing, stress free days I’ve had in as long as I can remember. 

(I know this going to sound strange, but I do feel somewhat guilty for how good I’m feeling right now. It’s mostly due to knowing this is something which bothers A. I don’t like the thought my happiness comes at someone else’s expense. I know this is something I am going to need to work through, it will just take some time.)

Quite A Day

Well today has had its ups and downs… (but more ups!)

First of all we woke up to more than three inches of snow on the ground, actually I think we had closer to five at our house. Then had a fight and near meltdown with the oldest when he was told he was going to shovel the drive. I probably should have stuck to my guns, but o be honest, I wasn’t up to fighting about it, not today so I just did it myself. 

The A was called into work which left me with no choice but to walk to Costco to get dinner. No big deal except they haven’t bothered with the residential roads around our house which means the whole way was pretty much a sheet of ice… as I found out on the way to the store. One second I was up, the next I was on the ground. Fortunately my pride is a bit bruised along with some other parts of me but nothing seems to be broken. Still, I am going to be stiff and sore by morning.

Funny enough I feel it was worth it after my time in the store. I went out without my hair, (which considering my fall, I am glad for). No makeup. Just a sweatshirt, jeans, work boots, and a ball cap… and well, my coat of course… Now I was wearing silicone “boosters” so I have a little chest going, but you can’t tell in my winter jacket, at least I don’t think you can… anyway, I was correctly gendered several times, mis-gendered only once, and one time a woman stopped to talk to me about what I was getting for dinner, (meatloaf with mashed potatoes), she at first called me ‘sir’ until she looked at me and corrected herself with “Miss” and she apologized!

I think I spent the whole time smiling.

Now I don’t expect everyday to go as smooth, but it has been a real confidence builder to say the least. 

Out Shopping

Today I went out for the first time other than for Halloween. It wasn’t for very long, just a short shopping trip to Ulta but I went on my own and had a very pleasant time.

I think the most nervous time was walking across the parking lot but once I was in the store I was fine. Shari was on her lunch break and JT now works at another store so I spent time talking to some of the other employees and received some very good advice on skin care and makeup choices. Shari did come back and we had a chance to talk and I’m glad we did. She assured me on several points, one my voice is fine, she has spoken to a number of women who’s voices are much deeper than mine. Also my presentation isn’t a problem, I come across as confident and sure of myself. My walk is fine and the way I carry myself doesn’t draw attention to me, which is a long winded way of saying I can go out of the house without scaring small children or animals. She agreed, I’m my own worse critic and I will be bound to be over sensitive to others reactions, at least for awhile until I’m use to being out on my own. So again, it’s all about small steps. I have taken one more now and returned in one piece which does give my confidence a nice boost. Of course I have yet to go into a major retail store such as Target or Wal-Mart, but I really don’t have a reason to concerned. As long as I maintain my poise and am certain I belong wherever I am, no one should have a reason to think about me twice.

I will admit it is going to be a slow process until I am presenting this way the majority of the time, yet I can see it happening. It isn’t if anymore but when.

One other little note here, I have spent more than half the day as Kira and the kids seem to be taking it better than I expected, maybe, just maybe seeing the reality on a regular basis will prove to be no less noteworthy. As with anything, only time will tell. 

The important thing to me at this moment is how comfortable I am in my own skin. I know this isn’t optimal, still it is enough for me now. Before today the thought of walking out in broad daylight as myself set my stomach into knots, yet when I was getting ready to go out, there was nothing but a pleasant feeling for getting out of the house for a time. 

This is how I would like for it to be everyday and I think it will be.

Oh, I almost forgot… I bought some NYX Photo loving primer and NYX Stay matte but flat liquid foundation, both quite affordable too as they were buy one, get one 50% off.

Oh, and yes, after all of these years of wondering if I could ever walk in public and be seen as a woman… 

I now know…

Yes.

I.

Can!

A Productive Day (Update)

(I had to change the initials of the specialist, he’s JT not KT.)

 

Sorry this is so late, I had to wait for the kids to go to bed.. and then, well I fell asleep for a bit.

I took three photos, not the best as I used my iFace camera, but it’s what I had in a pinch. I will have much better photos for Halloween!

There’s more to this story which I will share after the photos.

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So there you have it. In the third pic I think I look a little crazy from the way I was looking into the camera!

Now for the rest of the story…

First, my day started at 5:30AM when I got up to get ready for my therapy session. There we talked about AC’s hospital stay and his treatment. We also talked about my talk with the boys and their reactions and my reaction to them. Over all, it was good and I’m glad I have someone I can talk to about these things.

Now for the second part of the day.

A decided I needed a pick-me-up, so she suggested we go to Ulta Beauty to see what they had. I really needed some new makeup, especially foundation. Something which goes better with my skin tone. It wasn’t long before we were pretty confused from all the choices and I suggested we ask for help.

First we met Sandy, a very helpful person who had some good advice on concealers. When we explained about going out on Halloween, she immediately suggested one of their specialists, JT.

W also met one of the managers, but I forget his name… Sorry! He was great to talk to as well and also recommended JT.

One thing of note here, I explained to both of them what I was looking for, and was asked if this was a one time thing or everyday and neither of them blinked an eye when I explained I’m trans. It was such a relief to be so open and honest, I still smile thinking about it.

We had to leave and come back as JT wasn’t on the clock yet so we did some quick shopping for Dinner and headed home long enough to grab a bite to eat and feed the kids, then it was back to Ulta.

JT is their brow specialist but he also consults on makeup. He is wonderful! Very personable and very professional. I explained what I wanted and he had some different suggestions for my makeup including doing a two part foundation. He even took it upon himself to do the application at no cost.The end look is what you see in the pictures.

One other thing I had done while I was there was to have my brows shaped. Did mention he is their specialist? I went with waxing as it gives the best results and it was a fairly quick process though I won’t kid you, it wasn’t pain free, but no where near as bad as I feared.

Overall it was a great experience and I’m glad A suggested it. I now have a place to go for beauty products where I won’t feel out of place.

So, to end this long story…

I made an appointment with JT to do my makeup on Halloween. A and I could do it, but this is more convenient and I think the results are going to be amazing. Oh, and best part is it’s only $30+tip. I think it’s money well spent.

A Decent Day

Today was a decent day. There were a few little hiccups, thankfully nothing to derail me. I went to therapy this morning and the session went well. Nothing major to report, we talked about my thoughts on marriage equality and some of the things I have seen a RadFem blog about because I decided to leave a comment, which I will note was never relied to, not as if I expected her to… anyway, the main thing to come out today was also talking about what I ant to do for Halloween, and how I need to finish getting my outfit together.

Speaking of which, I found a really cute pullover sweater with a winter theme. It’s light grey and wonderfully soft and it fits perfectly. I also found a small Coach purse. It’s black leather with silver buckles. We’re not sure if it’s real or not, but I don’t really care since it’s so cute and I found it at Goodwill for $7…. I’m beside myself with happy!

Much of what I am thinking of for going out depends on the weather. If it’s  cold as it has been for the past several years, then I’ll wear my new sweater, maybe black jeans and a pair of flats. If it’s warmer, I have several tops to choose from, including a green short sleeve I’ve been dying to wear.

The only real question is if I’m going to wear the same wig as last year, which is the one I am wearing in my pictures. I would like to find a new hairstyle which is closer to my natural color. But as with anything, it comes down to cost. I hope to find something I’m comfortable with and can afford. I wish I could simply go with my own hair, but I’m a little too thin on top to get away with doing so. Just another thing I have to begin dealing with before it gets any worse.

A Weekend Out and About

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I made a point to get out of the house this weekend. Nothing major, went garage selling and then browsed several thrift shops. I managed to stay out and busy for a lot longer than I expected and had a pretty relaxing time.

At one point today I noted to A I still worry to a certain extent about the way I am perceived by others which earned me a disguised look from her… to which I admitted I was a little over sensitive and was told, “you think? I realize I really need to let these things go, to just not worry what others think of me and be myself. I’ll admit I have always had body image issues and worried about other saw me. Coming out as trans hasn’t changed this fact about myself. It now causes issues for different reasons and I need to come to terms with it… I guess this is as much as a self confidence issue as anything. It’s something I need to be aware of and just work a little bit at a time to over come it. Just another little self improvement project. 

On a happier note, I found a cute green top I really liked, so I bought it. Nothing like a nice find to make a girl feel better!

Speaking of clothes, we have a ROSS store which just opened within walking distance of our home. We went and took a look yesterday during the grand opening. I was pleasantly surprised to find they carry my size and had things at reasonable prices. I want to go back and spend some more time looking around, so maybe a nice little day trip to do some window shopping…

 

A Long Day And Another Late Post

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Today has been a mixture of full speed and collapse. We spent the day out shopping, I had to buy a new laptop and then looked for bunk beds. I know, a funny combination. The thing was, I didn’t sleep very well last night and I guess that lead to me finding myself trying to catch a few winks whenever things slowed down. While it makes the day go quickly, it makes it almost impossible to get a post written.

Another thing was my therapy session was canceled, so it might be a another week or more before I can get in. Looking at it thought, I think having a little more time to catch my breath might not be a bad thing. The past two weeks have been kind of rough to put it mildly, but again, I think it was a good thing.

Being forced to do a little self examination has put some things into perspective. I have long had a habit of looking over my shoulder, to looking for those points where I could cut and run, to return to a place where I felt a certain level of comfort even when such places really weren’t good for me. In fact, it seemed as though I made a point of finding a mental state which caused the most harm. It is true I had reached a point where I was uncomfortable, where I was unhappy and I knew I needed to make a change, but for some reason I felt compelled to go beyond that. This is something I really need to understand about myself. What is it which seems drawn to these negative emotions, these views of myself which are filled with self hatred. 

Interestingly, there is an upside to all of this. That is finding there is now I point beyond which I cannot reach, a level were I can no longer engage. In the past I was able to find one of these mental pits of doom and crawl in; I simply cannot do so any more. Although I have many of the memories, there is an emotional barrier. They may bring back feelings of sadness, but now they are mere echoes. I no longer have the ability to draw them about myself like a cloak, they are little more than a gauze, a film which breaks with the softest of touches. I said I am not the same as before and this is true. All of those things which happened, all of the thoughts and emotions, the scars and wounds seem to have happened in another life. I am left, not dealing with those things directly, but with the memories. I know I can move beyond them once I have to tools to do so. I just need to find those tools and learn to use them.