Of Tears and Raindrops

There are days when you heart and mind are filled with happy, joyous thoughts.

This is not one of them.

It is partly the weather; it is chilly, cloudy, and right now, raining. I have no room to complain, I’m safe and snug indoors. Yes, I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge. I know there are far too many in this world who don’t have those things and so, among all of my thoughts and emotions today is a feeling of guilt. 

Please don’t misunderstand, this isn’t a journey in self pity. I have been on the other side of these walls. Withstood the weather, shivering so hard I thought bones would break. I have felt hunger and still dream of digging through garbage cans. I have felt the crawling desire to be clean, just for a day and so I walked in the rain and cried because I didn’t have soap.

I know what it means to be without hope. Without family, friends, or anyone at all who gave a damn. 

I know what it means to sleep with fear.

And yet…

Here I am. I survived despite my best efforts. I am inside, clean, dry, and fed. I have family who love me, despite my best efforts.

The things is… I know this is all an illusion which can disappear in a heartbeat. 

This is something I am reminded of in reading the stories of others. Those who have loved and lost. Whose families and lives have been forever altered in ways which can never be repaired. There are the voices of the misguided, the lost, the discarded and I can see myself in each of them. 

The afflicted, the abused, the lost ones who slipped through, what to them, are not just cracks but gaping chasms in society.

I read their stories and I can feel a shadow of the pain they deal with every day.

Yet is it just that, a shadow.

I cannot tell even one of them, I understand. I can I? How could I? I have not walked in their shoes nor traveled their path. 

I am here, with tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart wishing I could gather all of those hearts together and take their pain into myself for just a moment. To offer them even one, brief second of solstice.

More than this, I take this time to remember just how blessed I am and to not take anything, no matter how small, for granted.


Having someone nominate you for a blogging award is a touching token of what they think of you, how you have touched them for even the briefest of moments and appreciate the gesture greatly. All too often I simply do not have the time to answer a nomination, sometimes I receive one at a really bad personal time and I simply cannot accept it.

I am going to thank those who have nominated me, though I am not going to be able to follow all the rules and so I hope you understand I cannot accept them now. Maybe in a little while when I have worked through some issues…

First to Pamela, Thank you for nominating me for the Reader Appreciation Award.

Next to Dr, Rex, Thank you for nominating me for the Most Influential Blogger Award and Versatile Blogger Award.

And last but not least, A heartfelt Thank you to writingthebody for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award.

Again let me thank all of you for your kindness and please understand I simply cannot participate at this time.






Sitting here I realize that, through this blog, my thoughts and emotions affect more than just me or my family. By sharing all that I have I have shown that I and all Trans* people are human. We have the same hopes, dreams, and fears as anyone else. More than that, I have, I hope, been able to show someone they are not alone in dealing with all the issues which seem to consume their lives. That they are welcomed, accepted and yes, understood. I’m not saying this to pat myself on the back. No. I admit I started this for selfish reasons. I did it for myself, never thinking of the impact I might have, however small. Yet as time as passed and I have had a chance to correspond with others, I have seen the power of words. It is both exciting and terrifying, but I wouldn’t do things any other way. I am not an activist, nor anyone of importance, I am simply someone with an experience to share.

Jan. 23rd will be the one year anniversary of this blog.One year. In that time I have shared things I never thought I would. Spoke of feelings and thoughts I had never shared with another living person. Thousands of words, countless triumphs and defeats, Hopes and dreams and tears. When I typed the first word I couldn’t imagine this moment. Really, I could’t have said I would still be here, not just alive but wanting to live…

Some of you have been with me from the beginning, some found me just recently but I want you to know how much I appreciate you being here. I really didn’t know what to expect when I started, a follower or two, maybe an occasional comment, what I never deemed of was the support I have received and so I wanted to say “thank you” to each of you.