This has proven to be a difficult post to write. I’m not even sure where to start… goodness knows I rewritten this too many times already and I’m not including all of the starts and stops which remained in my head. Even now I am fighting the urge to begin gain. Editing gone mad.
I recently saw a writing prompt which was to sit down and write for ten minutes. No stopping, no editing, just write. I suppose I need to do something similar here. To simply begin putting words on the page and let the chips fall where they may.
So often we speak of strength. The strength we think we see in others. The strength to do what should be, can be, must be done. Looking from a distance we marvel at what they accomplish, but if we take a moment and look closer we would see the fear, uncertainty, the doubt.
More than once someone has described me as brave, courageous, strong… I wish it was true. I’m just one person trying to survive any way I can, and honestly there are times like now when I find the strength to fight even one more moment. Times when it hurts too much to wake up, to think, to breathe.
Last week I did something I’m not proud of, I went to Costco and priced single dose sleeping pills… $7 for 192. I can take you right now and show you where they are if your interested.
No, I didn’t buy them, but I wanted to. God I wanted to so much.
I wasn’t going to say anything to A about this, I thought it would just make her mad, but as so often happens I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and I told her anyway. She told me it was doubtful they would kill me… maybe mess up my kidneys or liver, but odds are I would survive…
You know how this made me feel? Like I was stupid, a fool… that if modern day pills wouldn’t have done what I hoped for then odds are it was the same all those years ago when I did, in fact, take as many pills as I could get my hands on… When I made my “deal” with God… a deal He knew was pointless since I wasn’t going to die regardless… So I find myself wondering just why am I still here? I had told myself God must have something in mind to keep me around and now I know He just couldn’t be bothered with a fool like me…
What started this train wreck was seeing myself at a standstill. It doesn’t matter that I understand the why of it. It doesn’t matter I made the decision to wait until after the holidays to begin the next steps. All I could think of is “what if this is as far as I go?” What if there is nothing more to be done physically?
Putting on an outfit, with padding made of foam and silicone… To wear a wig. These things leave me feeling like a fake. Like a crossdresser with delusions of grander. I’m just exchanging one costume for another… one lie for another.
This body has become a weight I would give anything to shed… to simply leave it behind and let my spirit move on the whatever comes next, even if it’s Hell.
Of course, I also have a deep seated belief the world in general and the people around me specifically, would be better off if I were not in it. That I useless and a burden…. Not worthy of the very air I breath.
Yes, I spoke to Jodi about all of this today and I’m not sure just what she thinks.
She did say we need to get to the bottom these feelings. She also suggested, not for the first time, I should look into becoming an advocate in some form or other as a way to give myself a sense of purpose outside of my own transition. Easier said than done around here. There isn’t a support structure, and to be honest I don’t think anyone even cares.