Regardless of how many times you lie to yourself the truth will come out.
I can be unbelievably stubborn even when I know deep down I’m wrong… maybe more so. For months now I have been struggling to shed myself of all things gender related, thoughts, emotions, even dreams. I have refused to present as myself, tried to change the way I thought, spoke… my mannerisms. Anything, everything.
I was willing to destroy myself from the inside out to be remade in an image which was never mine.
My depression spiraled out of control. Anxiety and stress began to erode my health. Dysphoria and suicidal thoughts coursed through my mind as I struggled to build walls of denial around myself only to watch them crumble with a single discussion or pronoun.
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It seems maybe I’ve gone a “little” overboard trying to explain what’s going on inside my head. I have long used words as a shield, not from others, but from myself and the truth of my thoughts. In the end I am a coward, afraid of my own shadow… my own thoughts and emotions. It has always been easier to evade than stand up and except the truth. To give up than fight.
Of course fighting only works when you’re on the right side. Too often, almost always really, I have been fighting against, not for, myself. Most times I find myself trapped by the feeling, almost a certainty, I am wrong. Whatever I thought, felt, experienced, was never what I thought it was. At least this is what I convinced myself to be true.
This has been even more true with being transgender. I begin to accept the truth about myself, feeling better about myself and who I am and then the voices of the past come back whispering in my ear, bringing back all the old doubts and fears, causing me to question myself and it becomes an avalanche which buries me, crushing beneath its weight. Instead of fighting it I simply give in. After all, when the whole world screams “you’re wrong!” how can you be right?
This is what has been happening to me over and over these past months. I reached a point where I was willing to turn myself inside out trying to be this thing everyone insists I am but I can’t do it. Who I am in my very core refuses to be pushed aside.
Despite my promise to myself I was going to leave anything to do with Kira behind and to become something, someone, else, I would find myself answering the question, “your name?” with “Kira”. No thought, no hesitation. In fact it happened today at a local store. Several times I have come out to people I never thought I would.
You see, this year has been a real mess in the real world. I lost my job after having a nervous breakdown, then we moved to a new neighborhood where, due to some things beyond my control, everyone met me as male and I began to believe the universe was conspiring against me ever being able to live my life as Kira. Soon I convinced myself I was never meant to transition, I would be forever trapped being nothing more than a ghost, a dream which faded in the light of everyday reality.
Of course nothing is ever black and white, simple or straight forward. Time and again I would find myself returning to my natural mannerisms, my normal voice. I found myself drawn to things which I liked and enjoyed such as clothes only to spend hours, even days beating myself up over because they were feminine.
Then someone would call me “Miss” or address my partner and I as “Ladies” and instead of being upset, I felt elated. Then back to beating myself up of course.
The fun part? Every night I would go to bed and think I had survived another day without transitioning, never mind the fact I had been slowly falling apart.
Following the incident in the store, I returned to my car where my partner was waiting and told her what happened. Then I asked out loud, “why do I keep doing this to myself?” to which she replied, “Because it’s who you are.”
She’s right of course.
When everything else has been stripped away, I know who I am and trying to deny it is a pointless exercise in futility because the truth will always come out regardless of if I want it to or not.