Not a good day.
Have a lot on my mind at the moment but nothing I’m ready to share.
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
It’s been a long journey to get from when I began this blog to today. There have been many ups, downs and missteps but none the less I have somehow managed to continue moving forward.
Having said this, it was watching someone else’s coming out video on YouTube which finally broke through my own doubts and fears, giving me the clarity I needed to accept my own truth at last.
If you’re interested, here is the video:
This ripped right into my soul. There is so much she speaks about which I understand at a level I have not experienced before now, not when the words have come from someone else.
Maybe the most powerful thing was watching her. Her confidence, her poise, her happiness at finally being free blazed out of the screen and left me breathless. I have had people around me speak of these things regarding me when I have allowed myself to truly be myself but I could never see it, now I did and I knew I wanted to have those things for myself and the only way to have them was to do as she had done and simply allowed myself the freedom to be my true, authentic self.
I’m not sure where to start, there are more things to be said than I have words for. One thing I do know is I need to be straight forward, no word play or veiled meanings. In the past I had to write in such ways to keep from being overwhelmed by memories and emotions. Now however, I am finding the emotions rising too fast and high for me to control, leaving me in tears, unable to get my breath and I can’t say why.
The memories are still with me, as vivid as ever, searing through my mind like acid. As bad as they have been during waking hours, more and more they are also in my dreams, so there really is no escape.
Before I go any further, I should make one thing clear, I am the only one tearing myself down. The doubts and fears, the lack of confidence, the terrible words and scathing retorts, are all my own.
Yes, for as long as I could remember there were those who made it clear where I stood and who’s feet every failure could be laid and yes, it was my parents, especially my mother who burned these truths into my soul. However, she is dead and gone and no longer a force in my life, so blaming her seems like a cop out.
The struggles of today are very much a result of my own actions.
After recent developments I have been forced to take a long, hard look inside and to face some difficult truths. Regardless of how much I have tried to fool myself into thinking I could change, I can’t.
I am damaged goods, too broken to ever be made whole and nothing will change that fact. I only hope I don’t cause irreparable harm before it’s over.
Has anyone else had the feeling that by becoming consumed by your own thoughts, fears, and worries you are somehow doing a disservice to all the people out there living as their authentic selves every day even though they may share the same worries as you do while you sit at home beating yourself down for things which aren’t your fault and likely can do nothing about.
It’s true, it is always easier to keep your head down and hide than stand up and demand what is due to you as a individual, a person, a human being worthy of love and respect. I suppose it comes down to how much those things are worth to you and how hard you are willing to work to get them.
I don’t know where I’m going from here, but until I can work out the answer I’ll keep my thoughts to myself.
It’s too easy to quit. In fact I have become very good at it.
Refusing to give up, to fight for every inch can be difficult and painful beyond your imagination.
In the end you need to decide if the fight is worth the reward and if the reward is worth the pain.