08/23/22

Had my second appointment with the neurologist today. I also had a nerve test yesterday. That and a number of other small things have turned what might have been a decent week into a total sh*t show.

I know, the above doesn’t explain anything so I will try to clarify.

First of all, much of what has been getting under my skin has been entirely my own fault. I made a decision I thought I could live with but as time goes on it is turning out I was completely wrong, (as usual).

So much has built up over the years, now I’m sitting here trying to write everything which is boiling in my brain and trying not to explode only because I know it won’t change anything.

I kept so much locked away, convinced my thoughts, hopes, and dreams were just that, pointless fantasies like all the other weird stuff which floated through what passed for space filler in my head. Oh yes, there were times, bright sparks of “what if” which flared up from time to time and I wondered if any of it could ever become reality and then I would convince myself once again of just how foolish I was being and it would slip away with time, just another dream to be dreamed and forgotten.

And it worked.

Then it didn’t and my life imploded.

What happened between then and now has found its way here in one form or another. If you’re interested in the entire sordid tale you can go to the archives, I simply don’t have the energy or will to go over it again. What’s important is what has happened this year which is something I haven’t really shared because those of you who have followed me for any amount of time have seen it time and again over the years and truthfully I figured you’re as bored with it as I am.

Simply put, I decided to end trying to transition, at least as far as the real world was concerned, only maintaining my true identity online. Things were becoming too painful otherwise and other than an occasional knife twist here and there I felt I was doing pretty well.

Then I found out about the medical issues which slammed the door on any possibility of ever medically transitioning regardless of what I might have decided. I mentioned in passing my realization that being able to make a decision, (even a bad one), was a lifetime away from having any choice ripped away without warning.

I think you can understand how this has changed things in ways I never could have anticipated and certainly never wanted. In the weeks which have followed every instance of once again being seen and referred to as my old identity has been an ever increasing series of wounds which are becoming more difficult to deal with. The last two days have been the worst as I was repeatedly reminded of that old name and the pronouns which go with it, often more than once in a single sentence and there wasn’t anything I could say in response considering how I was presenting myself. As I said, this was something I had done to myself and I couldn’t fault the people involved. What else could I have expected all things considered?

Now I could spend entirely too much time explaining why I originally made the decisions I did and some of you might see things the way I have, but there would be others who would be offended, even angry, with my reasoning and I can’t say would blame them. It’s for this reason I haven’t so much as tried to express my feelings anywhere outside of my own head… (because I’m more of a coward than I like to admit).

The thing is, even though I still think said reasons are sound, they are quickly losing out to the constant strain and I’m uncertain as to how I should proceed, if at all.

Bonhoeffer‘s Theory of Stupidity

Dietrich Bonhoeffer argued that stupid people are more dangerous than evil ones. This is because while we can protest against or fight evil people, against stupid ones we are defenseless — reasons fall on dead ears. Bonhoeffer’s famous text, which we slightly edited for this video, serves any free society as a warning of what can happen when certain people gain too much power.

12/11/21

I have wondered how many times I could get away with playing with fire. Then I wondered just how many times I would get burned and still not learn not to play with fire in the first place. Somehow I doubt I ever learned the answers. Then again, I doubt I would have listened to myself regardless.

I have lived long enough to have gone through most, if not all, of the possible excuses for refusing accept something I have suspected my entire life I would eventually have to face. Even when not doing so almost cost me my life.

Sitting here now I have to wonder just how sad it is that I would rather die than just be who I am and yet it is something I have done more than once.

It might be surprising to some to know I have been struggling with writing this post for months, maybe even years yet in the end I would do everything I could to avoid even thinking about any of this in a way which I could put into words and if that failed I would actually write until I ran ou thoughts and words, leaving nothing but raw emotions hanging in my head like a kicked hornets nest. Then I would delete it and find something relatively safe and post it instead.

Now I could blame all of this on ever increasing bouts of depression and anxiety wringing out every ounce of strength, leaving me unable to do anything other than simply function for one more day, and while this is true, I just can’t accept this as an honest answer because I know it’s a cop out. The truth is, more than anything, I am scared and it has been simpler to run away regardless of the price.

Now, I am uncertain where things might go from here and while I might hold some small hope I will be able to find a way forward but given my track record to this point, I can’t help but expect all of this to end badly and maybe that is as it should be.

I’ll end this little sob story here, I just can’t push myself any further. What little strength I had is gone and I no longer trust myself.

~Kira