I started writing here as a way to help in attempting to bring some order to the chaos in my head. In the beginning I knew there were serious problems, but really, I didn’t understand anything.
Now all these years later, it seems as though I understand even less.
Been another long day, just going to pick up something for dinner and call it a night.
I have too many things fighting for space in my head right now.
Happy turkey day to all my fellow crazy Americans!
I’m sitting here wondering just what I think I’m doing and the truth is, I have no idea anymore. It seems as though I can’t do anything right no matter how hard I try. Every day there are countless little things which I haven’t done and I don’t have any excuse. More than anything it feels more and more as though I’m just a burden, emotionally, financially, and physically.
Add to it all of this gender nonsense and I’m surprised I still have a roof over my head. Maybe the saddest part is I can no longer see any point to continuing and I seriously regret ever letting any of it see the light of day. It’s been nothing more than a burden and distraction.
Yes, I went to my therapy appointment today. I’m not sure if it amounted to much other than resetting my sessions from every two weeks back to each week. As I mentioned to therapist, trying to go more than a week at a time seems to invite disaster in one form or another.
Today was mostly catching up. Going over my feelings of becoming emotionally unstable . It did help a little talking to someone face to face though I am left to worry about where things are going. Even though it has been some time since I last felt this way, I remember it all too well. Feeling as if I am walking on a knife edge, my nerves strung so tightly it makes my entire body vibrate. The smallest, simplest things will set my teeth on edge, peoples voices tearing across my senses like sandpaper on raw nerves.
It would be bad enough if this was all I had to deal with but it isn’t. Every moment I stop, regardless of the reason, a thousand other things crowd my mind, demanding energy I simply don’t have.
The additional stress comes from thinking about gender issues, what is right, wrong, which direction I should go if any at all. What happens if decided to not continue to transition? Could I survive? Are many of these issues related to having stopped at this point or is it the only thing keeping me from completely coming apart?
Regardless, I feel not having these things under some semblance of control is going to lead to a very bad ending. After all, while there are things transitioning will help with, it is not a cure all and expecting to wake up to a happily ever after is a recipe for disaster. I have to be able to understand and accept it for what it is… and what it is not.
There have been so many times I have wished I could leave my past behind me, all of the memories and emotions. The faces and whispering memories of disappointment looks and cutting words. All of the lost hopes and dreams. Yet when I pause even for a second I find they are right behind me waiting for a moment of weakness.
The occasional stillness within is proven to be the quiet in the eye of the storm.
Since I have never known anything other than constant doubt, fear, and pain, I cannot say if this is true for anyone else. I simply know it is my reality and trying to rise above it has proven pointless as the darkness arises each time to engulf me.
I bring this up to explain why it seems I cannot push forward to become who or what I could be. Why, as soon as it seems I might find happiness and acceptance of myself it is all ripped away in a cataclysm of pain and self loathing.
It leaves me wondering how I can ever come to terms with being transgender when all I can do is rip myself apart with claws and teeth of my own making. Then again it might not make a difference when I can’t help thinking transitioning won’t make a difference, I’ll be just as broken as I am now.
It’s been another long day which has left me spent. Indeed, this seems to be the case more often than not. I wake up without hope or direction, simply a list of obligations. I have lost interest in anything beyond simply surviving until night falls.
I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.
There seems to be no past, no future, just an endless now which has drained me of everything except anger, disappointment, and disillusionment. Every little thing sets me on edge to the point I feel I am becoming dangerous.
There was a point in my life when I knew I was capable of hurting someone without thought or remorse and I can feel myself inching closer to such a place once again. I know I should scared but really I can’t summon the energy. This is also the same place where I could harm myself ,in fact did, and I have come close to doing so once more…
Sometimes when it seems you can’t feel anything at all the pain becomes a cursed blessing.
It’s been a while since I last wrote something personal. Too often it seems as if I have too many thoughts and emotions which overwhelm me and leave me unable to convey them into writing.
This has also left my mind a foggy mess where I no longer know where I am or worse where I need to go. My transition has come to complete standstill. I am questioning everything and I feel I cannot trust myself any longer.
I look at the people around me and feel as if I have failed them. I have become more of a burden than I am worth and it doesn’t tale a genius to see how much damage I have caused which I can never repair.