There have been a lot of people who have started to follow this blog recently and I can’t expect anyone to take the time to dig through all my posts to understand who I am or why I am writing this blog.
To say that the issues I face are complicated is a minor understatement and I really don’t expect anyone who is not dealing with something similar or who knows someone who is, to really understand what I am going through.
Having said that, to those of you who are willing to open your hearts and minds, to try and understand something that may be so far out of your own experience, I say a very heart felt thank you. You are miles beyond too many people in this world.
For those who haven’t figured it out yet, I am a Transgender woman. That means quite simply that I was born in a male body with a female brain. To many that won’t make sense, but the fact remains that the way my mind woks, the way I think, the way I see and interact with the world, is as a woman despite the fact that my body presents as male.
I have thought, dreamed. fantasized, prayed and begged to wake up one morning as a female since I was ten years old. It may be that these feelings and self awareness trace back even father but I have suppressed and blocked out a great deal of my childhood until only the strongest, most persistent memories are still clear in my mind. I can say one thing though, having been raised by a Baptist minister, and seeing what other such men have to say regarding LGBT children, I can understand why deep down I don’t want those memories. If I were to remember being physically, mentally, and emotionally “corrected” the way such men have suggested, then I consider myself lucky to have survived and not find myself locked in a rubber room somewhere.
By the same token, it also explains why I first thought seriously about killing myself when I was ten.
I want to note my choice of words there. I said “kill”, not suicide. Suicide is a choice regardless of the reasons. I don’t think at ten I was making a choice, it was something I was being driven to. Putting so much pressure on someone that they see death as the only way out is just another way to kill them without getting your hands dirty. It is a form of murder. That may sound harsh, but I can’t think of any other way to put the seriousness of this into peoples minds.
If someone has been bullied into killing themselves then those who did the bulling committed murder, they just didn’t tie the noose or pull the trigger. They are still just as guilty and I wish on them the same consequences any murderer would suffer.
I have been accused and suspected of being gay many times over the years. Always before I would be very hurt by this. I would redouble my efforts to present as male because I knew what sort of treatment I could expect if that label stuck. The fact is I am not gay. Because I present as male I see myself as heterosexual. That is, I am sexually attracted to females. I am not, nor have I ever been attracted to males in that way. If I ever transition fully to female, then I would be a lesbian, not a gay male.
The thing is, there are indeed Transgender people who are homosexual, who are lesbians, who are bisexual. The Trans* community is as diverse as the rest of the population. Being Trans* does not make you gay, but you can be gay and Trans*.
Okay, everyone got that? Good.
I want to get to another point here, I am closer now to fifty than I am forty. I came out to myself and my wife just before this past Christmas as a result of a near breakdown. There were a lot of things going on in my life and the stress of that added to the stress of trying to suppress who I was on the inside, of trying to be a “man” when I was anything but, finally caused me to snap. I have been married for more than fifteen years and neither I nor my wife understood what was going to eventually boil to the surface. I had so completely buried my thoughts and feelings that even I didn’t understand what was happening. My wife saw only what I wanted her to see, I never really gave her a clue.
If any of you have been sitting there wondering how you missed all the sign, then I say this, if I didn’t understand what I was dealing with, then you wouldn’t either.
Hind sight is always twenty-twenty. What may make you look back and think, “So that’s why!” are things you never had a reason to really wonder about.
I don’t know if there are things that I said or did that might have given my wife any warning, she hasn’t said and I haven’t asked. At this point that is all water under the bridge. All that matters is she has accepted me and is doing her best to deal with life as it is now. She has been incredible with her support and I can never thank her enough.
There are a number of things going on my life which require that I maintain my public life as a male. I don’t know when or if I will be able to fully “come out” and live my life as a woman. That makes for some difficult times for me because I find it frustrating to have this growing understanding of myself that I cannot fully express in the ways that I feel I want and need to.
But I have said time and again, there are people in my life who depend on me, who I cannot and will not let down. If that means I have to do things I don’t like, then so be it. I will deal with the consequences of that. I won’t ask others to do it for me. None of them asked to be caught up in this and they deserve better.
So that is where things currently stand. I am in effect living two lives and doing my best to deal with the conflicts that causes.
One thing I can tell you is this. No matter what my appearance, no matter what others think they know of me there is one truth.
I am a woman who has survived. I am a woman who has faced pain and confusion and I am a woman who will carve her own place in this world.
I am, I have always been, and I will always be:
Kira Anne Moore.