Breaking Free

It’s been a long journey to get from when I began this blog to today. There have been many ups, downs and missteps but none the less I have somehow managed to continue moving forward. 

Having said this, it was watching someone else’s coming out video on YouTube which finally broke through my own doubts and fears, giving me the clarity I needed to accept my own truth at last.

If you’re interested, here is the video:

This ripped right into my soul. There is so much she speaks about which I understand at a level I have not experienced before now, not when the words have come from someone else. 

Maybe the most powerful thing was watching her. Her confidence, her poise, her happiness at finally being free blazed out of the screen and left me breathless. I have had people around me speak of these things regarding me when I have allowed myself to truly be myself but I could never see it, now I did and I knew I wanted to have those things for myself and the only way to have them was to do as she had done and simply allowed myself the freedom to be my true, authentic self. 

About the gender binary | Vintologi

About the gender binary | Vintologi:

Sex Diagram

Transphobes often promote a binary view of sex/gender where you are stuck with the the sex you are born as, this of course doesn’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. They cannot get their story straight on how people should be divided into 2 biological sexes, when you refute one thing they move on to the next.

10/17/20

After recent developments I have been forced to take a long, hard look inside and to face some difficult truths. Regardless of how much I have tried to fool myself into thinking I could change, I cant.

I am damaged goods, too broken to ever be made whole and nothing will change that fact.  I only hope I dont cause irreparable harm before it’s over.

~Kira

09/15/20

It’s a strange sensation when you have dreamed your whole life of making a living through being able to communicate with the world through images and words then finding, when you need them most, art and language slip through your fingers like smoke and dreams.

Sitting here I grasp for a thread of thought to follow, a first step toward those future miles which stretch out before me. A way to get all those thoughts and emotions into a form I can place here, on this electronic page, which might help to bring them into focus, not just for me but also to anyone who may read them.

It’s true, some things are easier said than done.

I mentioned before, I find I am disappointed in myself, I still am, because it seems I am at a standstill in too many ways. I know there are things I need to do to move forward yet I can’t gather the energy to do any of them. In fact, too many days I wake up and by the time I ready for bed it seems as if I haven’t done even the simplest of things. Of course if I make the mistake of telling myself “tomorrow I will do x, y, or z then as sure as the sun rises in the East, something happens to completely derails my plans and usually leaves me a complete wreak. More often than not, when this happens I am buried in the certainty I was just a fool for ever thinking I might find some small measure of happiness and just entertaining such thoughts is a sure way for whatever powers that be to punish me for daring to reach above myself.

Now there are some small things I can get accomplished, though they will take a great deal of time to complete, such as going through decades worth of accumulated stuff and disposing of all the things I haven’t even seen, let alone touched in recent memory. Simply I need to downsize and simplify. This is true of both material things as well as emotional baggage, all of which I have stubbornly insisted on dragging around for no good reason at all.

Well, I do understand why this has been such a painful issue for me; there has been several times throughout my life when I have lost everything except for the very clothes on my back. More than once due to trusting people who didn’t deserve my trust and some as a result of my mental issues which lead to me to being homeless on one occasion and if you have never been there, let me assure you, it leaves some very deep and painful scars which take a long time to heal. Still, enough time as passed for me to do something about this without being too painful. (That’s my hope at least.)

Maybe the most difficult thing I face now is convincing myself it’s okay for me to continue with my transition. That it’s okay for me to dare to raise my hand and reach for happiness despite, (or in spite of), those same powers that be which seem to delight in breaking my spirit.

This isn’t going to be easy, simple, or painless, (maybe not bloodless either) and there is a good chance I am going to fail but I won’t know if I never try.

10 Misconceptions About Being a Trans Woman

10 Misconceptions About Being a Trans Woman

These days, trans women are more visible than ever in mainstream media. But despite all the press coverage we receive on bathroom bills and locker rooms, there’s still many myths and half-truths floating around about our gender identity. Here are 10 common myths that seem to have been embeded into our culture, and why they’re so patently untrue.

A Guide to Finding Yourself

A Guide to Finding Yourself

The greatest and most important adventure of our lives is discovering who we really are. Yet, so many of us walk around either not really knowing or listening to an awful inner critic that gives us all the wrong ideas about ourselves. We mistakenly think of self-understanding as self-indulgence, and we carry on without asking the most important question we’ll ever ask: Who am I really? As Mary Oliver put it, “what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”