Transgender

I Never Lied: The Truth About the Deception Narrative

 

I Never Lied: The Truth About the Deception Narrative

 

You can’t lie about something you don’t know.

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Personal

Undeserving Of Redemption

This isnt what I was going to post but as usual I began to overthink things…

There are many things I have to work on besides being trans. What I know, deep down is it won’t matter one bit if I woke up tomorrow as a biological woman, these things will continue to cause me serious issues.

I hope you won’t mind if I share some of them here, maybe putting them into words will help me put things into perspective…

Even beyond my spotty memory, I know deep down my mother made sure I understood how little she thought of me, of how much I complicated her life and how unhappy she was to be reminded daily of the man she felt made a fool of her. I can’t point to too many instances in which she made this clear, though there were several, I do know she conveyed her feelings with a look or tone of voice. 

One thing is sure, I had no doubt I was worthless in her eyes. That anything which made her unhappy was somehow my fault simply by existing. If anything went wrong, I must have had something to do with it. I think this was reinforced by my aunt and later by one of my cousins, not yo mention her friends who I am sure she spoke to at length about how much of a troublesome burden I was… 

Speaking to my therapist I realized how much this affected me, still affects me to this  day.

I still feel as if I am the source for any unhappiness those around me may experience. I am sure if anything goes wrong, it is my fault… as if the emotions of everyone is my responsibility. Far too many times I find myself thinking their lives would be so much better if I wasn’t here… or if I had never been born in the first place…

It isn’t sensible, it isn’t even understandable much of the time, but I cannot shake the feeling it my own selfishness which has lead to so much. If I had been thinking of those around me, instead of my own desires, how many things would I have not done? How much would have been left unsaid? How many people would have never have been hurt? 

My therapist believes everyone has an inherent worth and maybe she’s right… for everyone except me of course, because no matter how logical, I am certain I am worthless and undeserving of redemption.

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David Bowie Quote

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David Bowie Quote

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Nanny McPhee

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Nanny McPhee

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Personal

I’m thinking too much again

Why is it when trying to regain the past, the majority of it is lost in an impenetrable haze broken only by scattered, disjointed memories? Those being ones of regret, shame, and fear which still turn your blood cold in your veins? 

This is one of the things I discussed with my therapist today. Right now I am struggling to find myself; at least who I am now but I lack a way to measure what has or has not changed other than an ethereal impression of who I once was. Even this little bit is important because I know, without really being able to explain, I wasn’t a very pleasant person to be around. I’m sure much of the unpleasant scraps of memory I feel within me are a result of my own actions or words. The problem is, so much is twisted up with the constant chaos I lived with for the majority of my life, which for me was my “normal”. Of course, since I have been on medication, I understand none of my experiences, not one moment of my life, would have been seen as normal by anyone looking in from the outside. Even now I cannot completely grasp what those years were like.

Why those times are important to me is because they play a large part in explaining the anxiety, depression, PTSD, OCD, (and only God know what else), I am trying to get control over now. They also contain all the times when I acted out and sought to explore my true feelings regarding my gender. Things which kept coming up over and over from the time I was a child. Things which I clearly remember explaining away as just something others did, thought, or explored even when I knew deep down I was lying to myself. Things I kept pushing away, trying to bury deeper and deeper. 

Now sitting here I wonder how intertwined all of these things are. Are depression and anxiety the result of denying my true self, are they from knowing I was doing something wrong, or are they from an entirely different source? I need to understand this because regardless of where I go from here, what name I use, what gender I identify as…

If I cannot conquer these other issues, my life in’t going to change in a positive way.

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