If I hit bottom, will I bounce?
I started writing here as a way to help in attempting to bring some order to the chaos in my head. In the beginning I knew there were serious problems, but really, I didn’t understand anything.
Now all these years later, it seems as though I understand even less.
These days, trans women are more visible than ever in mainstream media. But despite all the press coverage we receive on bathroom bills and locker rooms, there’s still many myths and half-truths floating around about our gender identity. Here are 10 common myths that seem to have been embeded into our culture, and why they’re so patently untrue.
If you are struggling to find your way, it might time to sit down and start making sense of your life as it was, as it is, and as it will be.
The greatest and most important adventure of our lives is discovering who we really are. Yet, so many of us walk around either not really knowing or listening to an awful inner critic that gives us all the wrong ideas about ourselves. We mistakenly think of self-understanding as self-indulgence, and we carry on without asking the most important question we’ll ever ask: Who am I really? As Mary Oliver put it, “what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
It is very possible that you don’t know yourself very well till now.
A long time ago, far from here, I sat alone in a dark room wondering if I could walk outside and into a crowded space and (with a little effort) be seen as a woman. After countless years and too many stutters and stops, I finally learned the answer.
Until that moment I thought I would be content with whatever answer life had to give me and maybe for a short time I was.
Not any more and I find myself asking why? Why can’t I be content as I am now? Why do I seem to always be looking for something more?
I’ve spoken to several people who know me well, asking them if they think I can maintain things as they stand..
If I can let things go, to no longer question anything related to my gender, to who I really am, (as if I have really had an answer to that enigma) and simply be content.
The answer was short, simple, and quick… no.
It’s been another long day which has left me spent. Indeed, this seems to be the case more often than not. I wake up without hope or direction, simply a list of obligations. I have lost interest in anything beyond simply surviving until night falls.
I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.
There seems to be no past, no future, just an endless now which has drained me of everything except anger, disappointment, and disillusionment. Every little thing sets me on edge to the point I feel I am becoming dangerous.
There was a point in my life when I knew I was capable of hurting someone without thought or remorse and I can feel myself inching closer to such a place once again. I know I should scared but really I can’t summon the energy. This is also the same place where I could harm myself ,in fact did, and I have come close to doing so once more…
Sometimes when it seems you can’t feel anything at all the pain becomes a cursed blessing.
A toxic parent’s actions can seem obvious in hindsight, making you question why you didn’t see how wrong they were when you were young. But there are actually a lot of things you won’t remember if you had a toxic parent, and it’s the absences that might actually be the clearest signs of their harmful behavior. Think of it like reading between the lines.
It’s hard to spot a toxic parent as they’re raising you, especially because they’re all you know. That’s why a lot of people don’t figure out just how damaging their mom or dad’s behavior was until they’re an adult, as they work through their issues with a therapist or are exposed to healthier models for parenting. As you swap childhood stories with a partner or friends, the level of harm you endured may become more clear; likewise, raising your own children may make you realize some of the actions you normalized in you parents are things you would never do to your own children.
Bottom line, the things you didn’t experience in your youth might be the biggest indicator that something was wrong, and coming to terms with what you missed out on can help you move forward from your toxic parent’s inhibiting nature. Read on for some of the things you may not remember.