Not my best day today. Feeling sluggish and off balance. Hope a nights rest will help.
I wonder how it is you can close your eyes for a moment and without realizing, ten years have passed.
With the new year beginning I thought it would be a good time to look back from where I started to where I am today and I admit I was surprised and more a little saddened to see I began this blog in 2012; yes, my first post was almost ten years ago this month and no, I haven’t yet garnered the courage to reread any of those ancient posts even though I know I need to.
Seeing those dates, I begin to understand why I have been feeling out of sorts, almost lost to the haze of making through each more day without understanding why. Why I am here, why I should stay, fighting with the whispering voices which tell me I should have been gone a long, long time ago.
Not the best thought to be dealing with when it’s the darkest, coldest time of year, yet here I am. Maybe it doesn’t help when so much in and outside my head gives me conflicting thoughts on what is best for me and anyone whose lives I have touched. My ideas of what I am doing and why. My understanding of what I do to others and then to hear from someone everything I thought is wrong, that more often than not, when I think I am doing what is best, it’s just the opposite and instead of whatever I had hoped to accomplish I’ve really been bringing pain and suffering.
(An example is being told my constant struggling with my gender and identity has ruined more than one Christmas.)
Of course, I now wonder what else I’ve managed to destroy over all these years. How many birthdays, anniversaries, gatherings, not to mention holidays and not seriously come to the conclusion I have far outstayed my welcome.
I have ripped myself apart inside and out to avoid disappointing anyone only to find I have done so much worse.
People keep telling me I just need to accept myself for who and what I am, (whoever and whatever that may be), yet how can I possible do so knowing what I now know?
I have been wrong about so much, for so long, there is no way I can ever trust myself to see reality, to hear truth, or feel real emotion.
Maybe, in the end, this entire journey was never about discovering my truth but the truth behind the lie I have lived for far too long.
~Kira Anne Moore
I have wondered how many times I could get away with playing with fire. Then I wondered just how many times I would get burned and still not learn not to play with fire in the first place. Somehow I doubt I ever learned the answers. Then again, I doubt I would have listened to myself regardless.
I have lived long enough to have gone through most, if not all, of the possible excuses for refusing accept something I have suspected my entire life I would eventually have to face. Even when not doing so almost cost me my life.
Sitting here now I have to wonder just how sad it is that I would rather die than just be who I am and yet it is something I have done more than once.
It might be surprising to some to know I have been struggling with writing this post for months, maybe even years yet in the end I would do everything I could to avoid even thinking about any of this in a way which I could put into words and if that failed I would actually write until I ran ou thoughts and words, leaving nothing but raw emotions hanging in my head like a kicked hornets nest. Then I would delete it and find something relatively safe and post it instead.
Now I could blame all of this on ever increasing bouts of depression and anxiety wringing out every ounce of strength, leaving me unable to do anything other than simply function for one more day, and while this is true, I just can’t accept this as an honest answer because I know it’s a cop out. The truth is, more than anything, I am scared and it has been simpler to run away regardless of the price.
Now, I am uncertain where things might go from here and while I might hold some small hope I will be able to find a way forward but given my track record to this point, I can’t help but expect all of this to end badly and maybe that is as it should be.
I’ll end this little sob story here, I just can’t push myself any further. What little strength I had is gone and I no longer trust myself.
It’s been a long journey to get from when I began this blog to today. There have been many ups, downs and missteps but none the less I have somehow managed to continue moving forward.
Having said this, it was watching someone else’s coming out video on YouTube which finally broke through my own doubts and fears, giving me the clarity I needed to accept my own truth at last.
If you’re interested, here is the video:
This ripped right into my soul. There is so much she speaks about which I understand at a level I have not experienced before now, not when the words have come from someone else.
Maybe the most powerful thing was watching her. Her confidence, her poise, her happiness at finally being free blazed out of the screen and left me breathless. I have had people around me speak of these things regarding me when I have allowed myself to truly be myself but I could never see it, now I did and I knew I wanted to have those things for myself and the only way to have them was to do as she had done and simply allowed myself the freedom to be my true, authentic self.
Transphobes often promote a binary view of sex/gender where you are stuck with the the sex you are born as, this of course doesn’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. They cannot get their story straight on how people should be divided into 2 biological sexes, when you refute one thing they move on to the next.
After recent developments I have been forced to take a long, hard look inside and to face some difficult truths. Regardless of how much I have tried to fool myself into thinking I could change, I can’t.
I am damaged goods, too broken to ever be made whole and nothing will change that fact. I only hope I don’t cause irreparable harm before it’s over.
It’s a strange sensation when you have dreamed your whole life of making a living through being able to communicate with the world through images and words then finding, when you need them most, art and language slip through your fingers like smoke and dreams.
Sitting here I grasp for a thread of thought to follow, a first step toward those future miles which stretch out before me. A way to get all those thoughts and emotions into a form I can place here, on this electronic page, which might help to bring them into focus, not just for me but also to anyone who may read them.
It’s true, some things are easier said than done.
I mentioned before, I find I am disappointed in myself, I still am, because it seems I am at a standstill in too many ways. I know there are things I need to do to move forward yet I can’t gather the energy to do any of them. In fact, too many days I wake up and by the time I ready for bed it seems as if I haven’t done even the simplest of things. Of course if I make the mistake of telling myself “tomorrow I will do x, y, or z then as sure as the sun rises in the East, something happens to completely derails my plans and usually leaves me a complete wreak. More often than not, when this happens I am buried in the certainty I was just a fool for ever thinking I might find some small measure of happiness and just entertaining such thoughts is a sure way for whatever powers that be to punish me for daring to reach above myself.
Now there are some small things I can get accomplished, though they will take a great deal of time to complete, such as going through decades worth of accumulated stuff and disposing of all the things I haven’t even seen, let alone touched in recent memory. Simply I need to downsize and simplify. This is true of both material things as well as emotional baggage, all of which I have stubbornly insisted on dragging around for no good reason at all.
Well, I do understand why this has been such a painful issue for me; there has been several times throughout my life when I have lost everything except for the very clothes on my back. More than once due to trusting people who didn’t deserve my trust and some as a result of my mental issues which lead to me to being homeless on one occasion and if you have never been there, let me assure you, it leaves some very deep and painful scars which take a long time to heal. Still, enough time as passed for me to do something about this without being too painful. (That’s my hope at least.)
Maybe the most difficult thing I face now is convincing myself it’s okay for me to continue with my transition. That it’s okay for me to dare to raise my hand and reach for happiness despite, (or in spite of), those same powers that be which seem to delight in breaking my spirit.
This isn’t going to be easy, simple, or painless, (maybe not bloodless either) and there is a good chance I am going to fail but I won’t know if I never try.