Running

Spent all day in the car. First I had a check with our doctors nurse. Everything went really well, I really feel comfortable with her.

Then it was six hours talking the oldest for a job interview. It included tests as well as interviews, not to mention having to travel across town from one set of offices to another.

Good news is it looks like he got the job, so it was worth it.

Not a Good Day

Well, I blew my interview. I misunderstood most of the questions and so gave answers he didn’t really want or need. I gave too much information and ended up sounding defensive. All in all it felt uncomfortable and disappointing.

I doubt they will be calling back for a follow up interview and I can’t say I would blame them.

Fully Myself

When this week began I had no idea as what I might be writing  following the last day of the work week. Would it be triumph or tragedy? 

Well, I think it has been neither which is the best possible outcome.

As I posted on Monday I had reached a point where I had to be myself at work, so the previous Thursday I spoke to my supervisors and received their full support. I decided to wait until the beginning of the new week. It seemed to make the most sense, a new week – a new beginning.

Sunday night came and though I was nervous, no one caused a scene. I’m sure there were some raised eyebrows but I didn’t notice. I had walked into that building for the first time in nearly twenty years a free woman.

Last Break

I am writing this during my last break because I won’t be able to write again until sometime later this afternoon.

The next hurtle will be clocking out for the day, there will be more employees as well as the office workers, also my shift supervisor and the department supervisor many of whom will be seeing me in person for the first time.

I’m actually less nervous about this than when I came in last night, at lest some of them have seen pictures 😛

Terrified

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Terrified…

One word, so simple to type yet so difficult to define when it is all which consumes your heart.

I have come a long way; to the point where I can look back and be overwhelmed by where I am this moment. There was a time when I couldn’t imagine finding myself here, when the very possibility was beyond my wildest dreams… or worst nightmares.

I thought I had set a reasonable goal of going full time this year, yet as I found out, there was still a door I needed to go through before I was ready. In the not too distant past I found myself once again wondering if I could even continue and I actually stopped for several weeks. I did all I could to not think of anything related to transitioning, still it consumed every unguarded moment and last week I knew I couldn’t hide from myself.

In so doing I took the step I have been terrified to take, have done everything to not take. I made reasons, excuses why doing so would be impossible. Paperwork, confusion… the mockery of those I work with, even the impracticality of wearing a wig at work… until I ran out of reasons, real and imagined and had nothing left but to listen to my heart.

Then I told my department head I had to go full time, including at work.

She didn’t even blink an eye and told me I need to do what I needed to do, I would have the full support of the staff and she made it clear she wouldn’t tolerate any issues with the others who work on the same shift.

I know this is more than many could hope for. It is more than I would have thought possible four years ago, yet fear still makes my stomach clinch and blood run cold…

Tonight will be the first time I will walk into the time clock room as myself. The first time many of the other third shifters will have had a chance to meet the real me …