Sorry… Again

There have been too many hours I have sat here struggling with what I should say, if anything at all. Some times I write and delete post after post, finally choosing to share a story or piece of news all in an effort to avoid sharing anything personal. Part of the reason is not wanting people to see this blog as an endless pity party or me as some attention seeker who wants someone to fawn over me. Someone to give me the validation I have denied myself for years. Truly, I have seen myself as such my entire life…

Recently my life went through some major upheavals. Things which lead me to question everything about myself. I have lost days, even weeks. I also lost sight of who I am and why I found myself walking this path in the first place. Every negative thing I have ever been told or heard spoken about me came rushing to the surface threatening to pull me back into the chaos I have fought so hard to escape. No, it did pull me in. To the point where I was beginning to believe again. Even now I can still feel the icy fingers of doubt trailing across my mind. 

It reached a point where I had decided to forgo transitioning any further, to in fact, revert completely back to presenting as male and using my birth name. You see I came to believe trying to be anything else was useless. From head to toe nothing had changed and never would. Even if it did, no one around me would truly accept it. To them I remain as I always have been and they will believe nothing else… not where it matters most, in their hearts. Anything else really is just platitudes and it hurts worse then outright rejection.

I’m not sure what will happen now. Part of me wants to believe I can move forward and be who I really am in the real world, every day and simply be seen and accepted as such but there is the other part which crumples up those dreams and laughs in my face as it throws them into the fire of reality. The same part which has schemes and plans for how all of this will end. Which shows me glimpses of what I need to do, what method will work best, how to do it… and I will not lie to you, it grows more tempting with every passing day.

Every day when my thoughts swirl and all I can think is how much of a burden I have been, how people would have been better off if they had never met me. How it would be so easy for me to slip unnoticed from their thoughts and dreams…

Strange isn’t it? How on one hand I am convinced of the damaging impact I have while at the same time it seems as if I will leave no impression on this world. How I see myself as unseen, just a useless addition, yet somehow all the ills which befall those around me rest solely on my shoulders… It really doesn’t make any sense, it has to be one or the other, it can’t be both and yet in my mind both things are equally true, intertwined into a choking rope which is slowly tightening around my soul.