It has been a long time since I last wrote something personal here, or anywhere really. I have been having trouble gathering my thoughts in a way I felt confident sharing, even when I did there was something deep and unsettled which would rise up and still my hand. Even now as I write this I can feel the resistance building yet I know I need to say something, anything is better than continued silence.

It might not be too surprising to know I have a bad habit of using my own lies to convince myself I am doing fine even when I know deep inside I’m not. Much as someone telling themselves they no longer need to take medicine because they feel better or believing their abuser when promised it will never happen again, even understanding the illness will return worse than before or it is only a matter of time until you find yourself bleeding and broken on the floor again.

I wonder, not for the first time, why I can’t just accept the truth. Why I need to continue to try and be some caricature of what I think those around me expect me to be instead of being true to myself. Maybe I just can’t accept anything which doesn’t bring me pain even though it is at my own hand.

Happiness has never been an easy weight on my shoulders and it might never be.


Oops, we had a line of thunderstorms roll through while I was writing a new post and lost internet which kept me from being able to upload it. By the time I was back online I completely lost my train of thought so I’ve given up for tonight and will try working on something for tomorrow.



I don’t know what, if anything, I could have written tonight but every time I try to work on this something comes up to interrupt and I’ve been left staring at an empty page. Now I’m at the point where I no longer have the energy to even try.