“Hurricane Irma is barreling up the Sunshine State, bringing heavy rainfall and powerful winds. The deadly hurricane, which is now a Category 2 storm with sustained winds of 105 miles per hour, has passed through Naples and continues to head north, with Fort Myers and Tampa in its path.”
“Why the new science of sex & gender matters for everyone”
“Hurricane Irma is now forecast to hit the Florida Keys as a Category 5 storm.
Meteorologists expect Irma to make landfall in the Keys between 5 a.m. and 7 a.m. ET on Sunday. Overnight projections of Irma’s path showed less of a threat to the Carolinas as the monster storm appeared likely to move directly up the middle of Florida and curve inland.”
I’m sure I could burn a lot of words here, goodness knows enough have tumbled through my mind.
I’ve reached the point where I am tired of the self inflicted wounds. All I want is to move forward and let the chips fall where they will.
I’m afraid the day got away from me. I’ll try to post something better once I’ve had some sleep.
Please let the song play as you read.
I have been struggling for a long time with finding words to express what is weighing me down so heavily for months now. Sitting here I’m still not sure if i have finally found them or not.
I have held myself in neutral since March, trying as best I could to, not de-transition, but to not go any further. To find a middle ground where I could simply exist. I could give you many excuses for why I wanted to do this but the real reason was because I come to feel, as a person who is trans, who has many issues and problems to deal with on a daily basis, I have become a burden to my loved ones. There are feelings of guilt, selfishness, and others I cannot put a name to.
If I were to follow my heart it would make it difficult if not impossible to find employment and I need to find work desperately. Also, I don’t see the people who really mean the most to me being able to fully embrace who I am and so it would place additional stress on already strained relationships. There are those around me who have enough to deal with without me adding to the things they need to be worried about.
I’m a big girl, I should be able to handle the reality of my situation and conduct myself accordingly, yet no matter how I try, the pain I feel on a daily basis seeps through and so, in my efforts to not cause issues for those around me all I end up doing is causing those very issues I try so hard to avoid.
Frankly I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
At this point I don’t know how to reconcile any of this. The only things keeping me together and alive are the deep emotional bonds I have developed and an overpowering sense of responsibility to my family. The fact I am such a mess is my fault, not theirs and so they shouldn’t have to suffer for my mistakes.
Sadly, sitting her, feeling these bits and pieces I call myself slowly beginning to crack, I wish I had not lived to see today. It would have been better if I had fallen asleep in the snow.
“A transgender woman who escaped abuse in Chechnya and found asylum in America is speaking truth to power in Washington in hopes of helping others, even if it means putting herself at risk all over again.”