Violence against this community is at an all-time high, activists say. According to the Human Rights Campaign, 2017 was the deadliest year on record for the transgender population. The New York City Anti-Violence Project is trying to do something about it.
I am writing this in response to the comment by Cara on my last previous post.
First let me say it was not your comment per se which upset me, it was much more the point it showed me how careless and thoughtless I was being. Far too often I get so caught up in my own little pity party I forget all the noise might upset the neighbors. For this I am sorry, I need to be aware how words, my words may be taken by someone who is not a mind reader. As a writer it is my responsibility to choose my words in a way to avoid such misunderstanding. Clearly I have a long way to go in that department.
Second, I want to thank you for asking the questions you did, as you noted being forced to think about these things so as to give a proper response has forced me to think deeper and search for a more articulate way to express what my thoughts are. I hope this will make thing clearer, both for those reading and for myself.
For your first question:
It has been an issue with not having a body which corresponds to how I understand who I am. More than once I have seen the mantra “Some women have a penis, some men have a vagina” and this is something I have difficulty wrapping my mind around. For me, not having had any surgeries or medical interventions has left me feeling like I am an other. A Neither/Nor. If I try to be seen as male, as I did for decades, it’s a farce at best. As I mentioned before, I could wear the trappings but it never felt comfortable or real. It was nothing more than a poorly made costume which did little to convince anyone. Here’s a little story to make the point; When I was in the NAVY I went with some guys from my department to a local Go-Go club for good, old fashioned male bonding. At one point during the night a petty officer turned to me and said, “I guess the rumor isn’t true.” and I asked what rumor? He responded “That your gay.” I was stunned. I never would have guessed people thought that about me. Looking back I suppose I had convinced myself I was acting my part properly and everyone thought I was just one of the guys… Clearly I was mistaken. I wasn’t as good of an actor as I thought I was. As a side note, one thing which changed his mind was the fact I knew all of the girls who danced in that club. I had worked the door there for awhile and I came in almost every day to have dinner… the owner made one of the best tuna sandwiches I had the honor of tasting and the price was right. I made quite a few friends there and the girls all felt safe with me. I didn’t bother to explain this to him, though. I just hoped he would speed the word so the rumor would be put to rest.
Now I should have been in the perfect spot to pass for a straight male, after all, I had all the right things in the right places, the right name, the right birth certificate, the right gender markers and I still failed.
To say this shakes a persons confidence, which was pretty low to begin with, is an understatement and now here I am trying to convince people, even though I have none of those things, I still want them to accept me. Is it any wonder I’m not very confident?
Speaking of the “right things”… well I don’t have them do I? Without surgery I cannot afford, or hormones I never will.
Next is medical transition. I absolutely feel these things would go a long way toward seeing and feeling myself to be who and what I say I am. Is it a perfect solution? Of course not, but it’s a damn sight better than where I am now. With the correct appearance it wouldn’t feel like a costume or as a part I’m trying to play. Having my mind and body more closely aligned would free me to simply be without constantly second guessing myself.
As for how I think things would work out in the long run? Well I’m already older than I like and I know I am never going to be on the cover of a magazine and honestly I never wanted to be. I simply wish to look presentable and I want to be comfortable in both my clothes and my skin. Being able to look in the mirror without cringing would be a plus!
Now, for a last bit of information. For awhile now I have been gendered as both male and female when I am out and doing nothing to be seen as female. I have been told by more than one person I’m more androgynous than I realize yet I continue to beat myself up over it because deep down I don’t believe it. I simply cannot understand how people could see me as anything other than male.
I hope this helps in some small way.
I’m not sure if I should be writing this, with the way my day has gone I am in a dark place. In fact, if I had to choose a picture to represent my state of mind it would be a dark, evil, cursed swamp…
I have been overwhelmed by anxiety, depression, and dysphoria. This wasn’t the only time I have had these feelings… I’ve had them pretty steadily since the beginning of the year but today it was more pronounced… to the point where I nearly became physically ill. I still feel like hell.
I did spend time talking with A and everything made sense to my head… it just hasn’t convinced my heart.
There are things I haven’t been writing about lately because the last time I did I offended someone. Now it may seem silly to let a single negative comment affect me, especially on my own blog, but it did… and still does. The main problem was I didn’t make it clear what I was feeling and then sharing was completely about me and was in no way intended to express my thoughts or feelings regarding anyone else. Many of the things which burrow through my brain never reach beyond my own skin. I have never looked at or listened to another trans person and had the same thoughts regarding them and I never will. So, if you read beyond this point then understand, these are issues I am dealing with and in no way reflect my feelings toward the trans community as a whole. My only hope is maybe someone will read this having had the same doubts and fears as I and will know they are not alone.
As of this writing I have not undergone any medical intervention, though I would like to start hormones at some point. Maybe taking that small step will help with all these issues. As it stands though, nothing has changed physically and it is constantly causing me problems.
Looking in the mirror, changing clothes, or showering are all constant reminder it doesn’t matter one wit how I see myself in my minds eye or how much I might wish, dream, scream or cry, my exterior does not and cannot reflect these things. It is then the dark voices in my head tell me “nothing has changed and it never will.” I will die being seen as I was in life. The name on my obituary will one I never wanted and didn’t truly belong to me regardless of how hard I tried to live up to expectations.
I understand I can socially transition. I can change my appearance, pronouns, even my name. Yet in the end I will have done nothing more than exchange one costume for another and I just can’t do it. It would be as hollow an existence as the one I am living now.
I cannot express how much this hurts. It is slowly tearing me apart from the inside out.
I have survived a number of complete breakdowns but I know there is coming a point where I will not come out the other side and there is a part of me which will welcome it with open arms.
God, I am so tired. Tired of being tired. Of the questions, the doubt, and fears. I am tired of the endless swirl of emotions, of wanting, dreaming, hoping… The endless fog of wishes and unanswered prayers. I am tired of hurting this much… all of the time.
More and more I have found myself thinking I just want all of this to end. I want to awake on day and all of this be a bad memory fading with the morning light…
But even this desire is denied me.
A century ago, these documents were used to reinforce segregation. Today, they’re being used to impose binary identities on transgender people.
A Republican candidate for California’s house just lost her primary.
In May, Jazmina Saavedra streamed video of herself harassing a transgender womanin a Denny’s bathroom.
By now you may have seen the hashtag #DropTheT trending on twitter in the days leading up to Pride Month. It was started by lesbian radical feminists (Or Radfems) as an effort to violently excise Transgender participation and presence at global pride events.
Went to therapy this morning (after three weeks). I probably should have tried harder to get in sooner but better late than never, right? In any case, the session went well with us catching up and then getting me thinking in a better direction.
As for that, she made an interesting comparison, being trans is like having diabetes. I can pretend I don’t have it or admit I do but ignore it. Either way I will still be diabetic and I might even be fine for a little while but eventually it’s going to reach a point where it begins to have adverse effects.
It’s the same being trans.
No matter what I do, I will still be trans… always have been, always will be.
On a similar note, I now have my appointment with the psychartrist. It won’t be until October, but I have it.