I’m not feeling well tonight. Nothing major, I should be better by tomorrow.
When I was a child I was often teased for talking too much. As I grew older I learned to keep certain things to myself until I reached a point where it was easier to keep it all locked inside behind the walls I built, both for my safety and that of others…
Sometimes they aren’t high enough or strong enough so they fail. When they come crashing down the destruction can be unimaginable to both those inside and out. Whoever and whatever I was before that moment was gone though the dust and debris of emotions and memory remained, hanging in my mind like a fog. I suppose, though I survived physically, mentally and emotionally I little better than dead and I never really recovered.
I was searching for something, anything to cling to just to make it one more hour and I ended up in the hospital. One of the doctors advised me to start talking again and to keep talking even if no one seemed to be listening. It would be better than keeping everything bottled inside where it could destroy me from the inside out. I tried to follow this advice but old habits die hard and I eventually found myself once again a prisoner inside my own head surrounded by the ghosts and voices…
Until everything fell apart again.
This time, if possible, the destruction was worse than before. I experienced a cataclysmic shift which broke me in ways I am still discovering. I lost any understanding of who or even what I was suppose to be and I had no idea of where to start putting my life back together… I still don’t.
I didn’t go to the hospital this time, though I probably should have, I just didn’t appreciate how much danger I was in. Instead I found a therapist to try to help me understand what was happening. During the course of which she suggested something similar to that previous advice; don’t try to keep things inside, instead, use this blog as an outlet.
A way to talk to myself without people giving me funny looks.
Until recently this has had varying degrees of success. Now it seems pointless, frivolous, and self indulgent. No matter what I try, I find myself treading through the same steps I have taken over and over again. I don’t trust myself anymore, if I ever did. Every decision has lead me further down a path I am far too familiar with and I can’t say if I have the energy or ability to fight my way back again or if I even want to.
I realized today my mind has gone silent. No questions, no doubts. No anxiety or emotions…
When it happens, it doesn’t end well.
“This Riot Recommendation is sponsored by Flatiron Books.”
(Via. Book Riot)
Had to trouble shoot an old laptop then installed Linux Mint. Turned out to be a bad battery so now it’s a desktop I’ll use for software testing.
I won’t complain though, it was free.
I’m not in a good place and I haven’t been for a long time.
“I received notice that an opinion leader in the sex essentialist activist community had linked to one of my articles titled, You Might be a TERF if… The article lists explicit instances of ideological hate and real-life violence (up to and including attempted murder) carried out in the name of a form of sex essentialist ‘feminism’ that developed in the US during the mid-to-late 1970s. The Feminist Current, a site substantially dedicated to reifying the type of sex essentialism of this 1970s-era movement, linked to my 2013 article as a ‘recent’ example of ‘uncritical reporting’ around the phenomena of Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminism:
When the media, institutions, and authorities become aware that a particular term is being used to incite violence against women, it is their responsibility to condemn or simply refrain from encouraging the use of that language. And yet we have seen various media outlets using the term uncritically, of late.”
“Medical treatments for transgender people have gone ‘mainstream,’ according to Richard Paulson, an obstetrician-gynecologist in Los Angeles and the president of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine.
With that comes the prospect for a medical development that could shatter some of the most strongly-held beliefs for centuries about biological sex and the ability to conceive a child.
In short, some scientists believe that transgender women — those who were assigned male at birth — could soon give birth.”
“Being transgender is not a justification for being assaulted on the street, and my friend, the police worker, would agree with me on that point. But wearing a shirt that says so does. So it’s OK for me to be transgender so long as I don’t say anything – we’ve heard this before. It’s OK to be gay so long as you act straight in public. It’s OK to love your ethnic heritage, so long as you don’t show it to anyone else. Your religion is beautiful and worthy of respect, but keep your traditional clothes off until you get home. Whatever your difference is, just keep it away from the rest of them.”