First of all, today was better than the last few. A and I got out and about which I am sure helped. One of the problems with dealing with depression, especially when it digs in deep, is the exhaustion. Doing anything physical leaves me feeling as if I haven’t slept in weeks and though I enjoyed being out of the house, I found myself needing to sleep for several hours. Thankfully it was a better rest than I have gotten many nights when it seems as though all I do is toss and turn, unable to get comfortable or to get my brain to shut off.
When I was trying to relax this afternoon a thought came to me that I need to shift the way I think about what happened in the past. Most of the time I have viewed my memories through the lens of being male when the truth is, this was never the way I actually experienced those events. I tend to think of them in terms of what “he” did or said or experienced and not how I did.
Maybe this sounds strange, I’m sure it isn’t how most people think of their past but I think it is the way I do.
I need to think of these things in terms of what I remember, what I experienced, what I thought and felt and stop trying to embrace something I was never able to fully comprehend.
The interesting thing is, I think back on so many instances when I would do something or have a question and I would tell myself everyone else did or thought the same things and yet the thought of asking or talking about them was terrifying. I knew then, as I know now, I was not the same as everyone else and they did not have the same thoughts or questions as I did and they would not understand, so I kept my silence.
So, knowing this, why have I thought I could compare myself to whatever self image I had based those around me?
Remember the saying, “If a fish judges its self compared to a cat and the cats ability to climb a tree, it will always believe it is useless.”
It’s the same thing for me, a trans person, trying to compare myself to a world full of cis people and by the same token, those cis people around me, judging based on their expectations.
It’s no wonder I’ve spent a lifetime thinking I was broken and worthless.
I’ve avoided writing this post for some time now… There are many reasons why, doubt, fear… Not wanting to be seen as looking for pity… maybe for not wanting to burden others with my problems when I know so many have their own battles to fight…
Now though I find I am having a negative affect on my oldest child at a time when he cannot afford to be distracted from his own issues…
It pains me to know this because I have always thought he was far more important than I, after all, he is just beginning to live his life and I have squandered so much of mine.
So here I sit, searching for words, of the images and thoughts which could explain the growing darkness within myself. One which begs for me to set it free one last time…
I am beyond exhausted… physically, mentally, emotionally… I am spent and all that remains is sorrow and anxiety. An endless weight on my chest and ice in my stomach. I am having trouble sleeping, focusing… Food is almost tasteless, and I have not only lost my former interests, I have also lost my art, my poetry… hopes are fading memories and my dreams haunt me even in the daylight.
My anxiety has become worse, to the point I have nearly collapsed twice this week alone. I am constantly fighting chills which run down my spine then out to my arms and legs, added with bouts of nausea. The depression has become deeper and more settled in than it has for a very long time and I feel even my stress levels have began to spike, leaving me feeling as if my head is in a vice.
I have had several breakdowns over the years… events which cracked and splintered my self image but never completely shattered it… That is what I want. To mentally explode into a million, billion pieces… to crumble into dust and have nothing left, not even a single memory…
Whatever, whoever I was before this moment gone… gone and forgotten.
I don’t want to think anymore,
I don’t want to feel anymore.
I don’t want to remember anymore.
* * *
I had to step away for a bit to gather my thoughts…
Unsurprisingly, I took the time to realize everything I am feeling leaves me feeling even more selfish than I did before… I read what I have written and all I see is me, me, me when I know all too well it isn’t just about me and hasn’t been for a very long time. This only adds to feelings of being boxed in again, tighter and tighter…
So what can I do when there is no moving forward, no going back, and no escape?
Like being lost in a maze, I can feel there is going to be a dead end somewhere ahead.
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