Month: June 2012

Remembering to Relax

NewImage

 

Well, I had an entire post already written but had to trash it because it no longer applies.

Such is the life of a blogger I guess….

 

So here is the skinny…

I was informed on Thursday that my therapist was no longer with the group I was using. This was a little disconcerting because it meant staying with them would mean having to start from the ground up with someone I have never met.

As I found out today it won’t be an issue. She is moving to another group here in town, which means only the location will change. I can’t say how relieved I am by this news.

I know it may not seem to make much sense to get upset over this after only two visits, but I feel so at ease with this therapist, the thought of trying to start over with someone else is very distressing.

Fortunately I won’t have to.

 

On a different front, I have mentioned that I am having some issues with the growing disconnect between what is going on in my head and the signals I get from my body. I am too often hyper sensitive to the way my body moves, how what I am feeling isn’t in synch with what my mind seems to expect. I am even very aware of the way my clothes are moving against my skin. It has left me feeling very self conscience and I have to remind myself constantly of the fact no one but me cares about this. No one is staring at me, no one is judging how I present. I am the only one doing so.

I had to do some shopping this morning and had to keep unclenching my jaw and remembering to relax.  

New Directions

Confused cute depressao depressive girl Favim

 

 

 

Despite the little glitches, I am happy to have made the changes I have. It feels good to face new challenges, even if they are frustrating. As of now I have most of the bugs worked out, all that seems to need fixed is having WordPress reblog to this site and not the old one. I’ll work on that tomorrow, right now I need to concentrate on writing this.

 

When I started blogging I was confused, scared, and at a total loss as to who I was, what I was doing or where I was going. I came online in an act of desperation. I thought I was going to go crazy or fall into a depression I couldn’t recover from. Having been down that road before, I was terrified, not for myself but for my family. In the end I was, with the help of some incredible people who, despite having never met me, have gone above and beyond in shining a light to help me through the darkness that threatened to engulf me. I can never thank them enough, simple words on a screen will never convey what I feel when I think of them.

Now, though I have miles yet to go, I feel that I can make this journey, where ever it might lead. 

The biggest thing I have to face now is finding a balance in how I present. So much of my thinking is now in female mode, I sometimes have trouble functioning in male mode. My feelings are difficult to explain, and I find them rather confusing, which isn’t helping. 

This is something I know I will need to work through in therapy, but I would like to have some clear thoughts on what I am dealing with. Writing about it is the only way I can think of gaining that clarity.

I am going to try and express some of what I am going through, but I won’t promise it will make sense in the way I really need it to. If it gets too confusing, I apologize.

Right now there seems to be a hundred little things not adding up between what I do and what my mind believes I should be doing. 

At this point, I don’t really have any issues with having male equipment. I’ve lived with it this long after all. It’s everything that goes along with said equipment that is the problem. This body simply won’t move as my brain thinks it should, it isn’t built correctly. Just walking has become something of an ordeal. Being aware of how I move and knowing it just isn’t “right”.

Add to that my voice, which is completely wrong. I should be speaking softer, with a higher pitch.

The sad thing is, there was a time when I feared the way I moved was too feminine, that my voice was too soft and high pitched and I worked desperately to change….

Why? Why did I work so hard to change the very things I wish I could do now? 

Because at the time I was doing everything in my power to be “male”. Because I allowed the people around me to pressure me into being something I wasn’t. Because I wanted to fit in, be part of the group. I wanted to be accepted at any cost.

I just didn’t understand how high that cost would be.