When I Am Gone

When I Am Gone
By Kira A. Moore

Silence surrounds me,
The dust of a lifetime
Settles across my shoulders,
Thick in the still air.

My pen hovers over paper,
Pure white and waiting,
For emotions flowing,
From this shattered heart.

Promises spoken and forgotten,
Heated whispers turned cold,
I remember them all,
Will you when I am gone?

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These Days

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I count my days from the time I get up for work until I get up for work. Being on third shift means that that things are more mixed up than simply having my days and nights switched around.

I mention this because when I say I had a good day, more than a little of it occurred in the middle of the night for most normal people.

And yes, I had a “good” day by and large. 

It turned out I had the whole building to myself because my coworker decided she needed a day off, which freed me to cut loose and be as silly as I wanted. The work load was light which gave me time to turn up my mp3 player and do a little dancing. I’m sure I looked silly and I couldn’t have cared less. I was having fun and I wasn’t going to ruin it worrying about someones opinion if they had happened to come looking for me.

It was really nice to just be me, as much as I can at work, and just cut loose. I can’t tell you the last time I did that. I read somewhere that girls don’t need an excuse to dance and you know what? They were right! I didn’t need a reason. I didn’t need a partner. I just danced and had fun because I could and because it felt good. There is time enough in this life to worry about things. I want to make time to just be. Happy. Joyful. Free. Because I can.

Some time in the next week or so I will receive another small piece in finding myself. Another small piece in freeing myself of a life time of denial. Each day is like waiting for Christmas morning and I have a present under the tree.

I find I look forward to waking each day. Not every day is going to be perfect, not every day is going to be rainbows and ice cream, but some will. And it is knowing those days are there waiting that makes getting through the bad days easier.

I have many things to deal with, many issues yet unresolved. I have a long way yet to travel. 

I know I can deal with them, I know things can be resolved. I know that each step taken moves me that much further along in becoming the person I want to be. That I know I can be. That I deserve to be.

Hodge-Podge

This post is going to be a bit of a hodge-podge.

First off, I ordered my wig… finally. I got the one I posted about before, the Glow Girl  by Forever Young.

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Less than $50 including S&H. I ordered it in I-Heart-Expresso and I hope it isn’t too dark. We’ll see.

When I get it, I’ll write a review.

Last night I did something I wish I could take back….

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We rented The Three Stooges. I really don’t know what to tell about this movie other than I could only stand about twenty minutes and then I had to scoop my brain off the floor. Even the five year old said it was stupid. I don’t know, maybe someone else will find this funny, but not this girl. If I want to watch pointless violence and listen to terrible jokes, I’ll sit back and watch the kids, it’s better entertainment and it costs less.

Now onto something better…

We also rented Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows.

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I loved the first movie and so was looking forward to seeing this as well and my hopes were well founded. It was a very good movie and well worth the wait. The storyline is excellent and the dynamic between Watson and Holmes is as lively as ever. It is a gripping, funny, and satisfying story and if you liked the first, you most likely will enjoy A Game of Shadows as well.

And incase your wondering, I am really terrible at movie reviews, I always want to give away the ending.

On a personal note, I find that I am getting more comfortable making small changes to the way I dress when going into public, nothing most people would notice, but that isn’t really the point. These are things I am doing for myself, not anyone else.

I am however, having trouble keeping myself in check. To remember that I present as male, which means maintaining my mannerisms and the way I do simple things like walking. I am still overly aware of how I am moving and it sometimes becomes a distraction.

I want express myself more but I don’t dare.

Something else I need to stop doing is looking at others who are on hormones and seeing the incredible change they go through. It drives me crazy to think it is possible I could have similar results while knowing in my head that taking hormones could do serious damage to my health or possibly kill me. I really don’t want to reach a point where I am forced to make such a choice.

Back On the Couch

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                  Photo “Girl on Couch” by herbplummer on:   http://www.flickriver.com/groups/softfocusportraits/pool/random/

 

 

I was finally able to see my therapist again. She is all set up and running in a new office but I won’t kid you, this has been a long month of waiting. A month that has seen ups and downs and….. a poorly thought out hair cut.

Okay, scratch that, the hair cut wasn’t thought out at all, it was a self destructive impulse. 

It might seem like a little thing, afar all, hair grows back, but it was a symbol of something I have done so many times in my life. I take things and internalize them. Stress, anger, self doubt… anything and everything negative. Instead of projecting them, I use them to hurt myself. Sometimes in small ways, sometimes in more overt ways. Before it was doing things like cutting, other times it was hitting things in an effort to break bones. It was drinking too much, trying to overdose. It was driving too fast, hoping to lose control and die in an “accident”. I’m sure there are things I can no longer remember.

In the end the method doesn’t matter, it’s the why. That is what my therapist wants to work on. 

Another thing that came up was my self image issues. This might be a tougher nut to crack, but she did give me some things to help get me started. Funny enough, one of them is something I had already started doing, which is to find one thing, no matter how small, that I can love about myself. In this case, it is my nails. Again, something small and sort of silly in the big scheme of things, but is a big deal to me and the way I see myself. The important thing is to keep going, to keep finding those small things and then build on them.

The final thing she gave to me was a way to begin dealing with not only these issues, but something to help in dealing with my oldest, something which is an everyday source of stress. I’m not going to go into the whole sales pitch, just the name of the technique; Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT for short.

I think this is a great step forward for me.

 

BTW One more thing, one thing that made my day and still sends tingles up and down my spine… She greeted me by name. Not my male name…. MY name. 

Can I ever explain to you how much it means to me to hear Kira spoken by another? To hear it with my ears and not just my heart….

 

A Sword Named “Bittersweet”

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I had most of last night to myself at work. It is one of the things I like about my job. Truth be told, I would love to be independent, working as a poet or artist, but in this economy I’m just lucky to have a steady paycheck…

That’s the problem with having dreams, all too often the real world comes along and crushes them to dust.

I had a great deal of time to think about what my life would be like if I could live my dream, and while I did think of a number of things I would want, the real world would come creeping into my thoughts. Any dreams I have, if they came true could mean I might not have met A, my children might not have been born. Even if things had reached the point where they are now, these dreams might mean losing them and honestly, I can’t imagine my life without them.

There was a time in my life I couldn’t imagine the life I have now. A time when the possibility of meeting some one, of falling in love and having a family seemed so remote, so near impossible, that it was nothing more than a shadowy wish always out of reach. A time when I cried myself to sleep in an empty bed, my heart breaking with the touch of cool sheets. I wanted so desperately to have someone who would look past the outside and accept and love me for what was inside, even when I didn’t really understand what was there myself. It was a dream I never thought would come true…. but it did.

I suppose that my dreams of the life I want for myself is another dream I don’t think will come true. A dream who’s cost is simply too high. I could be wrong, it might be possible this dream could come true just as the other did, and do so in a wonderfully unexpected way, but how many times does someone get two dreams fulfilled in a lifetime?

If your wondering, my dream would be to be able to go on hormones, for them to work properly and well. For the woman I know is hiding just beneath the surface to be set free. I saw pictures someone posted of themselves after fourteen months on hormones and I was shocked and envious of the transformation they underwent. If I knew I my results would be half as good, I might not be able to stop myself from running to the doctors and demanding he start me on treatment immediately… Good thing I can’t see into the future…

You know what? I wouldn’t care if I couldn’t live full time as female, just being able to see the woman in the mirror would be more than I could ever hope for… Does that even make sense?

What makes this difficult are the times like last night. The times when I am alone and can let my conscience mind submerge just enough so I can let my imagination fill in the details… What this means is, during those times I can feel the way my body was meant to feel, my hair moves as it was meant to move, my face feels as it was meant to feel. The way I carry myself is as I always imagined i would. For those short times, I am whole. I am who I was always meant to be.

The shift back is always jarring, if I’m walking, I’ll stumble. If I’m sitting, I get vertigo. It is physically disorienting and mentally and emotionally painful.

 

For me, my imagination is a double edged sword I have named “Bittersweet” and it always draws blood.