Creative Writing, Emotion, Love, Pain, Personal, Poetry, Writing

When I Am Gone

When I Am Gone
By Kira A. Moore

Silence surrounds me,
The dust of a lifetime
Settles across my shoulders,
Thick in the still air.

My pen hovers over paper,
Pure white and waiting,
For emotions flowing,
From this shattered heart.

Promises spoken and forgotten,
Heated whispers turned cold,
I remember them all,
Will you when I am gone?

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Bigender, Cross Dress, Gender, Mtf, Transgender

These Days

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I count my days from the time I get up for work until I get up for work. Being on third shift means that that things are more mixed up than simply having my days and nights switched around.

I mention this because when I say I had a good day, more than a little of it occurred in the middle of the night for most normal people.

And yes, I had a “good” day by and large. 

It turned out I had the whole building to myself because my coworker decided she needed a day off, which freed me to cut loose and be as silly as I wanted. The work load was light which gave me time to turn up my mp3 player and do a little dancing. I’m sure I looked silly and I couldn’t have cared less. I was having fun and I wasn’t going to ruin it worrying about someones opinion if they had happened to come looking for me.

It was really nice to just be me, as much as I can at work, and just cut loose. I can’t tell you the last time I did that. I read somewhere that girls don’t need an excuse to dance and you know what? They were right! I didn’t need a reason. I didn’t need a partner. I just danced and had fun because I could and because it felt good. There is time enough in this life to worry about things. I want to make time to just be. Happy. Joyful. Free. Because I can.

Some time in the next week or so I will receive another small piece in finding myself. Another small piece in freeing myself of a life time of denial. Each day is like waiting for Christmas morning and I have a present under the tree.

I find I look forward to waking each day. Not every day is going to be perfect, not every day is going to be rainbows and ice cream, but some will. And it is knowing those days are there waiting that makes getting through the bad days easier.

I have many things to deal with, many issues yet unresolved. I have a long way yet to travel. 

I know I can deal with them, I know things can be resolved. I know that each step taken moves me that much further along in becoming the person I want to be. That I know I can be. That I deserve to be.

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Bigender, Cross Dress, Gender, Mtf, Transgender, Writing

Hodge-Podge

This post is going to be a bit of a hodge-podge.

First off, I ordered my wig… finally. I got the one I posted about before, the Glow Girl  by Forever Young.

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Less than $50 including S&H. I ordered it in I-Heart-Expresso and I hope it isn’t too dark. We’ll see.

When I get it, I’ll write a review.

Last night I did something I wish I could take back….

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We rented The Three Stooges. I really don’t know what to tell about this movie other than I could only stand about twenty minutes and then I had to scoop my brain off the floor. Even the five year old said it was stupid. I don’t know, maybe someone else will find this funny, but not this girl. If I want to watch pointless violence and listen to terrible jokes, I’ll sit back and watch the kids, it’s better entertainment and it costs less.

Now onto something better…

We also rented Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows.

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I loved the first movie and so was looking forward to seeing this as well and my hopes were well founded. It was a very good movie and well worth the wait. The storyline is excellent and the dynamic between Watson and Holmes is as lively as ever. It is a gripping, funny, and satisfying story and if you liked the first, you most likely will enjoy A Game of Shadows as well.

And incase your wondering, I am really terrible at movie reviews, I always want to give away the ending.

On a personal note, I find that I am getting more comfortable making small changes to the way I dress when going into public, nothing most people would notice, but that isn’t really the point. These are things I am doing for myself, not anyone else.

I am however, having trouble keeping myself in check. To remember that I present as male, which means maintaining my mannerisms and the way I do simple things like walking. I am still overly aware of how I am moving and it sometimes becomes a distraction.

I want express myself more but I don’t dare.

Something else I need to stop doing is looking at others who are on hormones and seeing the incredible change they go through. It drives me crazy to think it is possible I could have similar results while knowing in my head that taking hormones could do serious damage to my health or possibly kill me. I really don’t want to reach a point where I am forced to make such a choice.

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Bigender, Cross Dress, Dysphoria, Gender, Mtf, Transgender

Back On the Couch

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                  Photo “Girl on Couch” by herbplummer on:   http://www.flickriver.com/groups/softfocusportraits/pool/random/

 

 

I was finally able to see my therapist again. She is all set up and running in a new office but I won’t kid you, this has been a long month of waiting. A month that has seen ups and downs and….. a poorly thought out hair cut.

Okay, scratch that, the hair cut wasn’t thought out at all, it was a self destructive impulse. 

It might seem like a little thing, afar all, hair grows back, but it was a symbol of something I have done so many times in my life. I take things and internalize them. Stress, anger, self doubt… anything and everything negative. Instead of projecting them, I use them to hurt myself. Sometimes in small ways, sometimes in more overt ways. Before it was doing things like cutting, other times it was hitting things in an effort to break bones. It was drinking too much, trying to overdose. It was driving too fast, hoping to lose control and die in an “accident”. I’m sure there are things I can no longer remember.

In the end the method doesn’t matter, it’s the why. That is what my therapist wants to work on. 

Another thing that came up was my self image issues. This might be a tougher nut to crack, but she did give me some things to help get me started. Funny enough, one of them is something I had already started doing, which is to find one thing, no matter how small, that I can love about myself. In this case, it is my nails. Again, something small and sort of silly in the big scheme of things, but is a big deal to me and the way I see myself. The important thing is to keep going, to keep finding those small things and then build on them.

The final thing she gave to me was a way to begin dealing with not only these issues, but something to help in dealing with my oldest, something which is an everyday source of stress. I’m not going to go into the whole sales pitch, just the name of the technique; Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT for short.

I think this is a great step forward for me.

 

BTW One more thing, one thing that made my day and still sends tingles up and down my spine… She greeted me by name. Not my male name…. MY name. 

Can I ever explain to you how much it means to me to hear Kira spoken by another? To hear it with my ears and not just my heart….

 

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Creative Writing, Fiction, Personal, Poetry, Writing

I Stand

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I Stand

By Kira A. Moore

 

Ashes fall

from the

bloody skies,

A

snow storm

of destruction.

 

I stand,

in a

desolate land,

Forgotten

and forlorn

in the ruins.

 

My tears

have lost

Their meaning,

And

my cries,

go unheeded.

 

Leave me,

to parish,

as I have lived,

Abandoned

in this 

loveless place.

 

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