Emotions, Gender, Health, Kira, Life, MtF, Personal, Questioning, Therapy, Thoughts, Transgender

When There Is No Choice

Just a little update….

I have had a lot on my mind lately… sort of like saying the Arctic is chilly or the ocean is a little damp… but anyway,

I talked with A and told her what I’ve been thinking these past few weeks, and… well… I felt I should do the same with you.

I don’t know how obvious it’s been, but I have known for awhile going on hormones would be my next major step. I have danced around it, I have told myself every reason why I shouldn’t and I still couldn’t keep it out of my thoughts. Over the past several weeks, taking this step has become larger in my mind, often slipping into my thoughts at the most unexpected of moments. Me, being who I am, have tried to keep things in check, and it has caused me all sorts of problems. As I mentioned, a lack of sleep, a loss of appetite. Even physical symptoms such as  constant muscle tremors and headaches. I find myself tensing up, having to force my shoulders down from my ears… All signs of stress and they have been getting worse.

I am not going to lie to you. this scares the crap out of me. I have been open to myself for less then two years… Considering how long I managed to survive before I ever came out, this is a blink of an eye. It just seems to all be moving too terribly fast, but there isn’t anything I can do about it without tearing myself apart in the process.

A has an appointment with our family doctor next week. As things stand, I don’t know when I’ll have the chance to get in to talk with him myself, and so I asked her to talk with him. I then promptly told myself to tell her not to, not because I’m not ready to get serious, but for two other reasons…. First, I feel guilty about distracting her when she needs to concentrate on her own health. Second, there is that part of me which wants to put the breaks on, to slow things down and drag them out as long as possible before I am forced into action. Of course, doing so would cause me a lot of problems mentally… I know it, so does A. I think it wouldn’t matter what I said at this point, she would bring it up regardless because she knows how serious this is. Still, I so wish I could give into the fear, just curl up in a ball, stick my fingers in my ears, and wish it all away. I  think of the many stories I have read in which someone spoke of going on hormones, spoke of how eager they were to get started, how they couldn’t wait for the changes they knew they had to look forward to… and I wonder why I feel so differently. Why this is something I know I need to do because I have no choice, not because I simply want to. What good does it do to consider you choices when there really is no “choice” at all?

Just thinking about this twists a knife through my insides…

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Gender, Kira, Life, MtF, Personal, Thoughts, Transgender

Just Another Day…

Why does this have to be so hard?

Every step has been filled with doubt and fear… I never thought life would be easy, if anyone has learned that lesson, it is me. I just wish I knew the things I have done have been right, that the things I will do will lead me down the right path. Of course there is no way to really know, is there? By the time the final judgment is made, we won’t be here to find out…

It’s hard to believe how much time as passed since I took the first steps which would lead me to where I find myself today… from a scared, confused child to a scared, confused adult…

So… in case you missed it, I’m pretty much a wreck inside. I’m having trouble sleeping, I have no appetite, I’m moody, and whenever I think about what might be in  my future, it all I can do to keep it together.

Just another day in the life…

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Emotions, Gender, Kira, Life, MtF, Personal, Thoughts, Transgender

But I’m Not…

Today has been a roller coaster with my emotions all over the place. The smallest things set me off in a fit of anger and the next minute I’m crying for no reason. This would be understandable if I were on hormones, but I’m not…

Anyway, I’ve been looking for inspiration, some emotional connection. Maybe just a feeling of being understood on some level I can’t explain. I know part of it is not having anyone to sit down and talk to, someone who knows what I am experiencing on a day to day basis. Though being able to share things here, there is just something deeper when you can look someone in the eye, listen to their voice… There are many reasons why I hate the place where I live, the weather, the attitude, just the whole vibe of the place, but what I hate mere than anything is the total lack of a support system. No groups to go to, no activities, no chance to interact with those in the real world who share a reality, an experience.

Okay, I have talked about this before, and yes, I am whining. I just feel so isolated and it is depressing… Not like I haven’t been dealing with this for more than a year now and it isn’t likely to change anytime soon.

So I am doing the only thing I can, looking online. Not the best answer, but better than nothing. I found the webcomic Venus Envy and am up to Feb. 2003. There is a lot here I can relate to… I am also going back and reading Wandering Son, (Hourou Musuko), as well as watching the television series on Crunchyroll.

I know, I know, I have mentioned this manga/anime a number of times but I have such a connection with the main character. I feel as if I am watching myself sometimes… if I spoke Japanese…

Ack… I blame my lack of emotional control for this post, I really do…

I hope to hear from my muse soon so I can write a poem or two for posting later today, we’ll just have to wait and see…

Until Later,

Kira

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Emotions, Gender, Kira, Life, Memories, MtF, Personal, Thoughts, Transgender

A Memory Of The Girl In The Mirror

One of the interesting things about writing here is it gives others a small glimpse into my head. Though what appears here is much less chaotic than my thought process thanks to editing as much as my being forced to think clearly in order to get things across in a way which won’t drive people insane…

I was going to write a much longer post, but I realized I was over thinking things… not as if I haven’t been accused of that before…

Maybe it is because I am listening to Kevin Wood’s album, “Kindred” or maybe I’m just in a reflective mood; whatever the case, I was writing when a memory came to mind and for just a moment everything else was washed away and I was left with a small smile on my lips and tears in my eyes.

I saw, once again, a small child standing in front of a mirror. She was wearing her mother’s clothes and smiling ear to ear because in her reflection she saw clarity. Everything made sense. The world had come into crystal clear focus and she knew she was seeing herself as she truly was, her heart reflected in the glass.

Just a faded memory now, the true impact sanded and smoothed by the sands of time, yet the emotions, the razors edge of understanding, are as sharp now as the moment they happened.

I can see the glitter in her eye, her truth radiating out like a beacon in the night. She knows who she is and the knowledge is a physical force.

I am and will always remain that little girl…

I forgot that once….

Never again.

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