Month: November 2012

We Got A Winner!

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A little back patting here. I completed the 2012 NaNoWriMo challenge! 

My final word count stands at 62,387.

 

Far beyond what I had expected to accomplish this year. Now I figure I am about half way through my rough draft and it is very rough… However, I can see this book beginning to take shape. I know where I am and I know where I want to be when it completed. So, a little time off for good behavior and then it’s back to work.

Something to think about.

Adventures in Boogieville.

Over at Pink Is for Boys, they’ve been talking about a book call ‘Oddly Normal: One Family’s Struggle to Help Their Teenage Son Come to Terms with His Sexuality’ and an interview the parents gave about raising their son.

The post really resonated with me, so I’m going to reproduce it here.

‘I found myself getting really angry as they described his childhood — not at his parents, who I think are brave to share their story, warts and all, especially considering the drubbing they’re taking in the comments section online. (“These parents are cringe worthy – over-indulgent and insistent that their child be special.” “There’s no way you can tell a small child is gay.” “This is all about how you’re so great because you were ok with him being gay.” “You pushed him to come out – maybe he’s not really gay, just following your prompt.”)

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What Is Wrong With People?

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I’m really not up for writing tonight, I wasn’t planning to put up a long post… been that sort of day… but.

 

In reading through my feeds, I happened upon an story I had heard about on a podcast I subscribe to last night at work. I am not going to link to it here, nor am I going to name the podcast. There are a number of reason for this, not the least of which is the fact the story was titled in a way as to grab page views. Another is the fact that in many ways I enjoy the program from which said podcast is taken, where I am taking issue in in the way they resound to any and all stories where there is a mention of the word Transgender.

The story was about a Transwoman who, for as yet unknown reasons, married a man without bothering to mention her past and was recently outed. Now I have my own thoughts on the issue of discloser and for now I am going to keep them to myself. This post really isn’t about that part of the story, it’s about how this is being seen in the media and how people are choosing to respond through comments.

 

First to the podcast. As much as I love this show I have found myself offended more than once over the past few months by the way the hosts have responded. In the comments they have made, in the crass jokes and tasteless banter. I’m also mad over the fact these people insist on referring to Transwomen with male pronouns, to speaking of them as male no matter how they identify or present. To them, Trans people are a joke, seeking to scam people and the system. Trying to pass themselves off in a dishonest manner. I’m not even going to get into how they speak of the Trans population of Thailand… I’m at a point where I am tempted to email them and tell them I am going to unsubscribe…

 

Now to the issue of the comments…

 

Now I know, more often than not, I shouldn’t go into the comment section of any articles. Somehow the majority of them are full of ignorant trolls who are just looking to get under people skin. They are also those people who are so willfully ignorant and hateful they should be put on medication. I read so much which is half truths, myths, misconceptions and down right lies it makes me want to reach though my screen and bitch slap someone.

This is something which really bothers me, the way I see so many people respond to the very thought of people who see themselves and the world differently. It makes it okay to ridicule, belittle, and verbally assault others. Somehow, in this PC world, it’s perfectly acceptable to use slurs and hateful language towards Transgender people when those same thoughts and words would have them being berated off line if they are directed toward people of color or gays and lesbians… It’s disgusting.

I don’t have a solution to this, I wish I did. 

 

I’m sorry to rant like this, but these sort of things just rub me the wrong way. There are things I can’t stand and people choosing to be ignorant jackasses who would rather talk out their back sides than take the time to understand the issues, who would rather spend time in forums, chat rooms, and comment sections spouting stupidity because it some how makes them better about themselves.

Pushing Thirtyy

We are all born into certain assumptions.  We are born with the parts of a boy or a girl, the skin of our parents’ race.  We are designed to meet certain societal expectations.  The spectrums we are measured on are made simple.  Everything seems white or black in this simple world.

But alas, the world is not simple.  You can’t paint a little girl’s room pink and automatically expect her to connect with her femininity.  It is true that most people will connect with the gender they are born into, but life is not black and white.  There are many colors on the spectrums we are measured on.  But we are taught that it is this biology that assigns your gender.  So many may never even find the language to explain why they don’t feel right in their own skin.

So when my husband began talking about the transition of…

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I Told You So…

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I’ve been like a dog chasing its own tail for days now. I keep telling myself the best thing I can do is to go into lock down mode and seek to return to a cis gender life. To quit talking about anything Trans and just let the dust settle to the point where everyone forgets I ever said anything. The problem is I just can’t do it. As much as I welcome the feeling of numbness which has come over me, at least in my conscious thoughts, under the surface I can’t stop the constant thoughts and emotions. I tell myself this is the right thing to do, I just can’t bring myself to really believe it. It doesn’t feel right and trying to do this is beginning to affect me physically. There has been so much to deal with in such a short time I can’t process it properly anymore.

As I said before, I thought it best to let this blog go idle, but again, I just can’t. Over the past year this has become as much a part of me and being Kira. It is my place to speak, my place to work though things and trying to return to doing everything in my head is making things worse. Besides, as I said, I like to talk… 

I don’t regret my last post, though in some ways I wish I hadn’t felt the need to speak to this… but, as I was once told by a doctor, there are things we need to talk about even if no one is listening…

As difficult as it is to admit, for me, this has been part of the process, a part of the nitty gritty side of coming to terms with life as it is now. More then once I have tried to walk away, to fade back into the background of a world which refuses to accept me as I am. Every time I have found it more difficult. Every time there has been something which has pushed at me, refusing to be ignores, which has forced me to go against these feelings and keep talking, keep moving forward. I know this can make things confusing and frustrating for those who only know me through my words. I can’t sit down with you and let you see just how much this is tearing me apart. To let you see the pain, the longing, the desperation I have felt. You cannot see the tears I have shed. I love words, I love being able to reach others, but I see how cold they can be.

I am still trying to deal with this. I know it’s going to take some time and I might have to take a step back now and again. 

Where From Here?

I wasn’t going to make another personal post and maybe I’ll come to regret going against my better judgment, but as those who know me will attest, I just don’t know when to shut up…

Before I explain that statement I want to say something.
I started this blog for a number of reasons, most of which I have explained before. There were also reasons which I never considered which had nothing to do with my desire to share my thoughts.
I didn’t do this to be thought of as brave or courageous. Those words belong to others, not me. I also did not do this for sympathy or pity, despite what some seem to think. I don’t want anyone’s pity and sympathy belongs to those in worse places than I have found myself.
It doesn’t matter anymore if anyone believes me or not. Nothing I can say or do will change anyone’s mind. I know what I have done and why.

Now to what I spoke of at the top of this post.
I wasn’t going to do any more than reposts this week, probably for the remainder of the year. I still want to do this. My thought being as the days and weeks pass I will let this place fade away, soon to be forgotten.

Why?

Sunday night thoughts of living full time as myself came to mind… Filled my mind. Stupid thoughts of impossible ways it could happen. That is what suddenly struck me. All these day dreams were pointless exercises in futility. They were a waste of time and energy.

Reality hit me like a ten ton truck.

Nothing I do, nothing I say changes anything. It doesn’t matter what name I use, what clothes I wear, how I do my nails or hair. No one who knows me is ever going to accept me other than as they always have… As G, as male.
Not A, not my kids, not my friends, not my coworkers. No one.
Even to those who I have come out to.
They cannot accept me, they will not acknowledge me.
I can’t even say my therapist believes me.

I spent more years than I care to count building an image people would accept. I guess I did a better job than I thought because now I am trapped inside and no one can see the truth.
I saw there were really only two choices, either accept the growing pain and frustration of living two lives or admit defeat and live strictly as male.
The first would drive me crazy at some point, the second? We know what happened the last time.

I chose the second.

In doing so a number of walls have crashing into place and as of now, I have lost the connection I had to most of my emotions. I am caught in a void. Maybe it’s better this way… Being mostly numb is better than what was building up inside.

I don’t know what I’m going to do going forward from here. I’m tempted to cut all ties inside and out, but I’m not ready yet.

I make no promises about the future, I just thought you deserved to know what is happening.