Category: Dream

Beautiful Darling (2009)

Beautifuldarling

 

I watched a movie I didn’t know existed until a few days ago, about a woman I knew nothing about. Now I sit here with tears in my eyes and a sadness in my heart because hers was a life too short.

The movie is ‘Beautiful Darling, The Life and Times of Candy Darling, Andy Warhol Superstar’

The title seems a little dry after watching the film, though accurate in it’s way. 

I’ll share with you the storyline as given on IMBD website.

“Candy Darling was a fixture in the New York Off-Broadway scene in the 60s, in Warhol films such as Women in Revolt and Flesh, and became a prominent personality in Warhol’s circles, influencing such noted contemporary artists as Madonna, David Bowie and Lou Reed. This documentary will use a series of interviews, archival footage, and images from Candy’s home in Massapequa, NY. Archival footage includes rare 25 year old interviews conducted by Jeremiah Newton with members of Warhol’s Factory and Tennessee Williams. The film features interviews with colleagues, contemporaries and friends of Candy, including John Waters, Peter Beard, Holly Woodlawn, Bob Colacello, Geraldine Smith, Pat Hackett and Ron Delsener.”

 

My thoughts…

Watching this, I found myself fascinated by Candy. I wanted to know more about her, who she was, why she was… If I hadn’t know from the description on Netflix that she was Transsexual, I never would have guessed and it wouldn’t have mattered if I did. She was, by her own hand and deed, larger than life. The flame which draws the moth, and like the flame, burned out too soon.

She was part of time which, when looking back, seems so far from us now. A different climate, a different understanding… society has moved on… Yet it really hasn’t. What you see and hear of life in the New York LGBT community of the late 60s, early 70s isn’t so far removed from where we stand at this moment. Maybe laws have changed, maybe people want to believe things are better, yet listen to the words of those interviewed, see their reactions to the memories which lie no so far beneath the surface and you will the same battles we fight today.

I do have to wonder about this film and it’s purpose. If it is to showcase a lost treasure, it does it well. If it is meant to be a cautionary tale, it does leave the proper impression. But if it is meant as a way to honor a unique soul. To spotlight the trials and tribulations of life… well then, I feel it missed the mark just a little.

You get a glimpse, through her journal of the sadness and loneliness which marked her days on the earth. You can just see, almost hidden from view, her desperate need to be accepted and loved for who and what she was.

And you can feel the weight of each passing day in which she did not find what she wanted most.

If your interested, the movie is on Netflix, available to streaming. 

A Long Day

It’s been a long day which is a good thing.

Started off this morning with a call from Jodi, seems we got our signals crossed and she didn’t realize I didn’t know I was suppose to have a session scheduled for today. Things ended well though, she asked to meet me at Stake & Shake, which if you don’t know is a sit down semi-fast food place. She asked me to come wearing my hair, which I did. We spent about half an hour or so just talking over coffee. The main reason for meeting there was she wanted to see how I felt being in public and you know what? I was completely comfortable. One thing I am learning is not to think too much about things and just be myself. Do this and no one seems to give me a second thought… it’s a very nice feeling. Jodi even commented on the fact I seemed to be at ease which is a good thing. We also talked about my down turn over the past couple of days and she advised I should expect to go through cycles like this, at least for the forseeable future and noted I seem to have worked through it properly, which makes me feel better.

Speaking of which, I am doing better in case you can’t tell. 😉

After our meeting I picked up A and we went out and finished our Christmas shopping for the kids. We also stopped and got lunch and later dinner, all with me as myself. I point this out because it’s important to note A still isn’t 100% comfortable with me presenting female in public but I understand her reasons. For one, she is getting use to seeing me this way outside of the house but more, she is worried for me with how people will react to me. She doesn’t want to see me accosted verbally or embarrassed in any way, and I assured her knowing this means a great deal to me. I know all too well she could have walked away more than once, yet she has remained by my side and it is something I can never repay her for.

During the day, we picked up lunch at Jersey Mike’s where I was able to tell them my name is Kira without a second thought when asked and the person taking my order didn’t bat an eye.

We went to Big Lots (a discount store), Wal-Mart, Aldi’s (discount groceries), Toys-R-Us, and Costco. Everything went better than I could have hoped, not a single hiccup with the exception of Costco when we both forgot to have A use her card, using mine instead as was asked if “He” was with us to which we both replied “kinda, sorta”. To her credit, the cashier didn’t miss a beat nor said another word. 

All and all it was a one of the most relaxing, stress free days I’ve had in as long as I can remember. 

(I know this going to sound strange, but I do feel somewhat guilty for how good I’m feeling right now. It’s mostly due to knowing this is something which bothers A. I don’t like the thought my happiness comes at someone else’s expense. I know this is something I am going to need to work through, it will just take some time.)

A Day

I have to thank A for today, she took what began as a bad day and made it something better. She talked me into getting out of the house to do some shopping which included a stop at the local Goodwill where she found me a cute grey. knitted, zip up sweater. (On top of this, she insisted I wear the sweater I posted about, the one with the trees, which did help take the edge off).

I’m still struggling with an uncertain future. A isn’t so sure if Jodi isn’t pushing me a little too hard and she has pointed out the issues we have the boys… something I am painfully aware of. 

This is where I am in conflict with myself and what I see happening to myself, my marriage, our family. As much as I want to hold things off for as long as possible, I just don’t know when I will hit the final wall and have to make a very real and serious decision. 

A has said she doesn’t want me to try and go back to how I was, it was too difficult to live through once, I don’t know if we could survive it again. Then again, I honestly don’t know if I could survive it… somehow I have a feeling that answer won’t be positive… What then am I to do I wonder, as much as I want to keep the kids out of this, will I be able to do so? Will A ever forgive me if I can’t? Will they? 

I do not have the answers. I know there are those who think things will work out better than I fear, but if there is one thing I have learned it is to never expect the best outcome from life, you are bound to find yourself disappointed.

I so want to hope for the best, to find some way to meld all the pieces of my life into a unified whole, yet I think it more likely I will end up losing everything. I don’t see how it can end any other way.

Hidden

Gender Dysphoria

 

It’s funny, the things which can inspire one to write. No matter if it’s a Tweet, email, or blog post, there is just some little thing which happens which sets the wheels in motion. I’m not going to elaborate on what prompted this post simply because there is someone else involved and I haven’t asked them about it. So, better safe than sorry, right? Which brings me to what I want to talk about.

 

For as long as I can remember there have been things; thoughts, hopes, dreams, opinions, even knowledge I was afraid to share with those around me, even friends because I worried about what they would think of me. Looking back it all seems so silly now, but it a realty I cannot deny. Understandably, this went from caution to habit to a way of life and this was before I had a name for what made me feel so different from those around me. 

Since I came out to myself it has only gotten worse, though being able to talk with Jodi has helped. Still, it is getting more difficult as time goes by. It is a constant drain on me emotionally and mentally and quite frankly, I am sick of feeling as if I have something to hide. 

It hit me again last night, this feeling of pointlessness. The thoughts I will never go any further than I am now. My mental and emotional transition seems as stalled as my physical one. I was able to move out of it in time, yet I was left exhausted. The knowledge there is very good reasons for what I am going and the timeline I am working with does little to bring any sense of comfort in these moments.

I feel as if I’m a ghost. As if the truth I hold inside is a Willow-the-Wisp, here and then gone the moment I reach for it. 

Every waking moment I am aware of being seen as one thing, this collection of everyones expectations… Being called by a male name, referred to with male pronouns…

Sir.

Sir?

Sir!

 

I want scream.

I want to cry.

I want to go to sleep and awake with my insides and outside matched… and not as “Him”….

Impossible I know.

An insane dream.

You know what? More than anything I simply don’t want to hurt any more. I want to be able to simply live.

Is it really too much to ask?