By Kira A. Moore
By Kira A. Moore
Well… I wrote a new poem. I don’t know if it is good or not, after all, I’m a tad bias about such things. Regardless, it felt good to see the words on the page and to think my muse has returned. While I was struggling to find my voice again, at least poetically, I longed for even the slightest whisper and now I have heard it again.
It may be in some small way that the thought which struck me yesterday started me back down this path; that even though I seemed to be having trouble finding my voice when it came to creative writing, it wasn’t as if I wasn’t writing at all. Indeed, this entire time I have continued to put out posts here. In fact I made it a point to do so. From the beginning I had tried to have something to post each day, no matter if it was a short story, poem, or opinion piece. Even in my darkest times I put up a reblog if nothing else. I forced myself to maintain the link I had here and to those who read my thoughts and writings. It also kept me connected to the larger blogging community. It has been a struggle some days, I won’t deny that, but I just couldn’t imagine what my life would be like without this outlet.
So I finally realized I never stopped writing at all, I was just having trouble writing some of the things I had up until this point. It isn’t as if my ability had vanished in a puff of antidepressant smoke. It was still there, I just had to find it again, and I guess I have.
At The Cafe
By Kira A. Moore
Did you forget,
A slip of
Went to my doctors appointment today. The main reason was for my oldest to get a consult which resulted in him having a new medication to try which will hopefully help him maintain calm after his other medicine has worn off for the day. We’ll see how things go. The second reason was so I could get blood drawn for lab work needed to monitor my BP meds.
While we were there we discussed my being Trans and the issues I need to deal with now. We talked about my dysphoria and the understanding I now have regarding the need for HRT. I’ll get back to the dysphoria in a second… As for HRT, he told us he wasn’t comfortable trying to treat me as he had no experience with the treatment plan, nor did any of the other doctors he has spoken to. He said he didn’t want to chance possibly causing me harm because of his inexperience and I have to respect his feelings on the matter. I did tell him I was going to seek out someone who could deal with this and he completely agreed. Better he said, to go with a specialist. I also let him know, for now, I wanted to lee him as my primary doctor for my other health issues and he is fine with doing so. So, I won’t be staying local like I was still half hoping, but at least I know bester where I stand at the moment. We’ll take our time and do more research into who is available and who will work with our insurance. At least I am still moving forward even if it isn’t exactly the way I had thought.
Now back to the dysphoria… Both A and I were in speaking with the doctor and when I was searching for the right way to describe what I was experiencing, A stepped in and spoke about her observations of how this is affecting me and she said a lot of things which surprised me because I thought I wasn’t being as obvious as I now know I have been. She spoke of my reactions, my demeanor, my moods. This is something which can be seen in every aspect of my personality. I know the saying about the forest and the trees, but it takes sitting and listening to someone else describe you to really open your eyes to the truth of it.
This is proving to be a busy week. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, it’s mostly to have lab work done for my BP meds, but I am going to confront him regarding hormone therapy. Specifically I want to know why he decided to only have my T levels checked and not estrogen as well which is what I thought he was doing. I am also going to be taking him the information I have on standards of care. I seriously doubt he has bothered to do any research on his own and so I am going to have to do it for him or let him know I am going to have to search for a new provider to deal with my health issues beyond the basic things he is currently treating me for. As far as my BP and antidepressant are concerned, I’ll keep him simply because he is local and these are things I have to deal with on a monthly basis. Otherwise I am going to be forced to look to someone else in dealing with anything Trans related. It will be a major pain, but I don’t have a choice.
The other thing is I was contacted by my therapist Jodi today to set up an appointment for this Saturday. I am somewhat conflicted about this as she canceled my last appointment with the promise to get back to me “shortly”, that was three weeks ago. I’m really not sure if she even wants to continue to see me or not and even if she is, I’m not sure I want to see her… I mean what’s the point when I have to go five or six weeks between sessions? Two weeks is often bad enough. Well, I have some time to think about it and I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt until I talk to her face to face.
Speaking of hormone levels, I know if this goes forward then I am going to have to deal with weight issues. I want to continue getting into better shape, just for myself if nothing else. I have lost around 10 pounds or so in the last few months, but i would like to lose about 20 more. I have changed my diet and portion sizes, pretty much dropped any sweets and I am slowly increasing my activity levels to burn off the weight. One thing I probably should bring up with the doctor, (unless he totally blows me off), is getting a new workout program together, what I am doing now is working but I would like to increase how much I am losing each month. I know I’m not going to reach my goal before my next birthday, but maybe Labor day…
The main thing at this point is to keep moving forward. The mistake I made was to think I could simply coast along for awhile, not really making any decisions which would put me outside of my comfort zone. I just couldn’t admit there is no such thing any more.
I had some time to myself today. Not as much as I need but more than I had hoped. I took the opportunity to pamper myself and just to relax in a way I rarely get to do these days. Given the fact school is now out, these times are going to be few and far between until Fall. It’s okay though, it is all part of the routine of our lives and I wouldn’t want it any other way. All too soon the children will be grown and off living their own lives and I hope I can look back on these times not as a trial or a chore but as something which brings to mind fond memories.
One of the interesting things I did was to take time to read a post titled “Amaryllis” It has nothing to do with me directly, but it gave me a way to think about my main character which I hadn’t thought of before… an interesting insight I have only glimpsed before when I have allowed my thoughts to sink into the pool of my own growing understanding of the person I kept hidden away for so long.
I have written about the creation of this character before, at least to the extent she exists in written form. From the very beginning I had a saying in mind, though I don’t remember where I first heard it, “write what you know.” I took this a step farther and also wrote “who I know” better than anyone… myself. As I mentioned, I wanted her to be the conduit for everything I was feeling and thinking. I wanted her to be as real as I am… more so. I wanted her to live and breath. I wanted, by shear force of will to bring her into the world and for me to disappear. For as long as I could remember she was the reality and I was her shadow.
Maybe all of this sounds stupid or worse. Maybe I just can’t find the words to express what I have felt for so long, even in those dark and dangerous days when I did everything possible to hide the truth from myself.
I often wondered if there was anyone else who felt as I did, as if my whole life was made of papiermache and the slightest pressure would tear it asunder and reveal the truth of who and what I was. Yes, it is true I didn’t understand who that was, but I knew it wasn’t the person looking back at me in the mirror every morning. It wasn’t who those around me thought they saw. I was nothing more than what others wanted to see and it was slowly ripping me apart. I remember a friend’s mom once told me she thought I was very mature for my age. What I couldn’t tell her was it just seemed that way because I had to keep such uncompromising control of myself. I had to be a perfect mirror to the world around me, that cynical, hateful, despicable world. I could let the truth out, not one little hint. I wound myself tighter and tighter until she couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t whisper in my ear. Couldn’t color my vision. Only in dreams could she be free and finally not even there.
When I closed my eyes that first day and pictured her in my mind, I knew who she was. What she looked like, sounded like.I knew her better then I have known anyone in my life because in the end, when I had finally put away all of the lies and deceit I knew I was looking into the mirror of my soul and she is what I found there. Waiting as she has done for so long for me to finally realize we are one and the same, two sides to the same coin, never parted. There are times when I almost feel as if I had tried to split myself in two, to hide her away and become this thing I was expected to be and yet… and yet how could I have ever done so? She is the core of who and what I am and always has been. That little girl, that woman, has been at the center of all I am and have ever been. She has been the indomitable strength which has supported me. The surety of purpose which has driven me. She has been my compassion and my understanding. She has been my angel and my muse. I could not have lived for as long as I have without her.
This… this is what I want to write. This is who I want everyone to see. This is the reality I want everyone to come to understand through my words.
Today is Memorial Day here in the US. Despite all the pointless hoopla of sales and having an extra day off, there is a very real and lasting reason to take a moment and remember why we have such a day in the first place…
So, to all of those who have had loved ones, husbands, wives, sons, daughters, fathers and mothers who answered our nations call but never returned, I want to say I remember, I will not forget, and though I may not know all the names, they are forever etched in my heart.
To those who gave the ultimate sacrifice, I know you cannot hear me now, but still I will say “Thank You.”