Had my second appointment with the neurologist today. I also had a nerve test yesterday. That and a number of other small things have turned what might have been a decent week into a total sh*t show.
I know, the above doesn’t explain anything so I will try to clarify.
First of all, much of what has been getting under my skin has been entirely my own fault. I made a decision I thought I could live with but as time goes on it is turning out I was completely wrong, (as usual).
So much has built up over the years, now I’m sitting here trying to write everything which is boiling in my brain and trying not to explode only because I know it won’t change anything.
I kept so much locked away, convinced my thoughts, hopes, and dreams were just that, pointless fantasies like all the other weird stuff which floated through what passed for space filler in my head. Oh yes, there were times, bright sparks of “what if” which flared up from time to time and I wondered if any of it could ever become reality and then I would convince myself once again of just how foolish I was being and it would slip away with time, just another dream to be dreamed and forgotten.
And it worked.
Then it didn’t and my life imploded.
What happened between then and now has found its way here in one form or another. If you’re interested in the entire sordid tale you can go to the archives, I simply don’t have the energy or will to go over it again. What’s important is what has happened this year which is something I haven’t really shared because those of you who have followed me for any amount of time have seen it time and again over the years and truthfully I figured you’re as bored with it as I am.
Simply put, I decided to end trying to transition, at least as far as the real world was concerned, only maintaining my true identity online. Things were becoming too painful otherwise and other than an occasional knife twist here and there I felt I was doing pretty well.
Then I found out about the medical issues which slammed the door on any possibility of ever medically transitioning regardless of what I might have decided. I mentioned in passing my realization that being able to make a decision, (even a bad one), was a lifetime away from having any choice ripped away without warning.
I think you can understand how this has changed things in ways I never could have anticipated and certainly never wanted. In the weeks which have followed every instance of once again being seen and referred to as my old identity has been an ever increasing series of wounds which are becoming more difficult to deal with. The last two days have been the worst as I was repeatedly reminded of that old name and the pronouns which go with it, often more than once in a single sentence and there wasn’t anything I could say in response considering how I was presenting myself. As I said, this was something I had done to myself and I couldn’t fault the people involved. What else could I have expected all things considered?
Now I could spend entirely too much time explaining why I originally made the decisions I did and some of you might see things the way I have, but there would be others who would be offended, even angry, with my reasoning and I can’t say would blame them. It’s for this reason I haven’t so much as tried to express my feelings anywhere outside of my own head… (because I’m more of a coward than I like to admit).
The thing is, even though I still think said reasons are sound, they are quickly losing out to the constant strain and I’m uncertain as to how I should proceed, if at all.