And For A Moment I Didn’t Know How To Answer…

Today someone asked me my name…
and for a moment I didn’t know how to answer… 

Sad girl

 

A line from one of the Star Trek movies comes to mind and it seemed fitting…

“The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.”

Simple logic as Mr. Spock would say…

But we humans aren’t so logical, so straight forward or simple, are we? 

It’s been noted I have finally reached a point which some have been waiting to see for some time now, a point where I have a decision to make. Do I take the next step forward or do I chose to stop…

Yes, from here it is a decision is it not? 

Do I chose the needs of the many? All those people in my life who have placed their trust in me, deserved or not? Or do I, either one way or another decide to meet my own needs?

This is an aspect of being trans which we don’t want to think about or talk about, the dirty little secret which gets swept under the rug until it is uncovered and thrown in our faces. 

Sometimes the weight of simply breathing, of waking up and facing another day, of making decisions which will break promises and destroy relationships is simply too much to bear any longer and someone chooses the most selfish choice of all…

We ask ourselves why, proclaim what a waste it is, how sad, how avoidable…

Yet deep down, we can all understand. We can all see ourselves walking the path they walked, reaching the same destination and, I think, watching with envy as they do what we have all thought about so many times before.

I’m sorry if this bothers some of you, if it makes you worry or think thoughts of your own… Too many times I have spoken when I should have remained silent. Written here what should not have been written. I have thought thoughts which never should have been shared, spoken words which can never be taken back…

Yet, would I be honest with you if I hid them all away?

It is something I have long known, even when I pretended not to. A door, an escape hatch, an endless rabbit hole which is there should I chose to use it. 

It is a constant presence at my back, the warm glow of promise. 

To this point I have refused to turn around, to look at it, to embrace it, to take it as my own. Still, the thought is there, the temptation remains and there are times, like now when I think I deserve such a pointless fate. 

I don’t claim it makes sense, or is logical on any level. It isn’t. It is mean and selfish. It is a cowardly way to avoid difficult decisions, responsibility, for ourselves and to others.

Yet in the end it is I who must decide to continue the fight or to give up.

 

 

22 thoughts on “And For A Moment I Didn’t Know How To Answer…

  1. I have not had the name issue yet, mainly because, outside of the occassional therapy session, no one calls me by that name in RL. In fact, it’s been one of those little nuggets of doubt within me — if MY name, the one I’VE chosen, feels odd and foreign to me when someone uses it, is it really my name at all? But then I remind myself that I’ve had 37 years of training to respond to my old name, and about 3 spotty months of hearing my new one.

    1. It has been the same for me, until tonight. I met someone from a different department who I’ve not seen before. He asked my name and I froze for a moment. I had that instant of total blank then I almost told him Kira, but caught myself and gave him my male name.
      It was disconcerting to say the least.
      The funny thing is, now His name sounds strange to me even when I force myself to use it in my internal dialogue, and sometimes it is forced.

  2. Kirk’s reply to Spock, (when asked why he sacrificed so much to save Spock), is appropriate here: “Sometimes, the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many”.
    It’s a decision that we all have to face and it’s not a nice one. Do we continue being the person everyone thinks we are to maintain everyone else’s happiness at the expense of our own, or do we think of ourselves for a change, our own happiness, and become that which we truly are?
    The way I looked at it, and explained it to my family, is that it was getting too much to keep waking up each day, knowing that I would have to play that part again, put on the mask for the day and pretend. It may seem selfish to make that decision. It may appear that I’m only thinking of myself but, I’m alive and well and better able to respond to the needs of family and friends.
    It’s the point in our lives we don’t want to reach, the decision we never want to make but, at some point, we have to.

    I had a letter through my door a couple of days ago, addressed to my old name. When I looked at it, my first thought was “Who’s that?”. It took me a moment…

  3. Seems to me that you are at a pivoting point. If you continue in the direction you are going and become the woman you know yourself to be then Kira will prevail and your male name will become a thing of the past and fade away in your memory. We all know that a balance moves about a pivoting point or fulcrum and you may well swing back and forth for a while but eventually you will come down on one side or the other, the side you want in your heart.

  4. I reached the point where I was going to kill myself. Dead. Now what good would that have done anyone? Except my eldest son who’s implied that he’d rather a dead father than a transgender father. Think about that sentiment too – that some other human being might wish you dead rather than alive because of a choice you make for your own psychological health and ultimately for your own physical health. This would have been as if, years ago, when I had cancer, if my son said “No dad, don’t seek treatment. We’d rather you just died.” It’s absurd when placed in that context, isn’t it? And it’s just as absurd when we think about it as a treatment process for our gender dysphoria.

    For me it wasn’t a choice. I realized I wanted to live, even if others chose to reject me. That is their choice. I can’t live my life solely to make them happy. So what will be will be. If they want to walk out of my life, they can. If they want to walk back in, they can. I will shut no doors. They will have to do this.

    All that you can do is to take care of yourself. A life of mere existence as a shell of whom you truly are is no life at all. I admit I’m biased but I urge you to choose life. Sometimes life really hurts, but I’d choose the hurts again and again over the dead shell I was before.

    1. LizMarie, thank you… I was afraid I was the only one thinking along these lines… beautiful message with which I wholeheartedly agree.

      Kira, I read this yesterday, thought about you all night and just listed to JC’s “Hurt” — which I loved BTW, not just “liked”

      Here’s the thing… that warm promise at your back is NOT an option.,, and here’s why: It is not a warm promise; it is a cold dead end for those you love.

      Your light shines so brightly through your struggles it is a beacon of hope to others struggling with you. You must keep it shining, otherwise how will you ever know the good and love that can come of this?

      You are not alone. You must know this, or you wouldn’t invite us along on your journey. Hang in there.

      Blessings. :>

  5. I get it. And I know you’ll come to the decision that is best for you at this moment. Will it be the best decision in a week? Six months? A year? Who knows? It will be the best choice you can make right now.

  6. No, this isn’t easy. I’d been there before. I made my decision, claimed my victories and mourned my losses.

    Only you get to decide if, when, and how you will make this decision. We’ll be here for you.

    HUGS

    -Connie

  7. I myself agree with Rosie above….such thoughtful replies all of them. It is all your decision of course….that is what I would add. And whichever way you go, I just admire what you do, and the beautiful way in which you do it. Hard though, yes, really hard….sorry I cannot do better.

  8. The only people who are important in anyone’s life are those who accept each of us for who we are. If people don’t like what you for who you are, they need to leave in order to make room for those who will.

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