For weeks now, really more like months, I have been feeling there was something I wanted to do. Needed to do. It has finally reached a point where I feel compelled to take this next step…
Since I began therapy, and more so as I have come out to more people, I have felt I need to discuss things not presenting as male, but as my true self, as fully female. I don’t know why, but when I am talking to anyone about who I am and how I see myself, telling them I feel as one thing when I look like another makes me very self conscience and feeling fake. I have, and continue to feel that if they could see me, the real me, then they would understand and accept what I am telling them is not a fantasy, not a delusion. That what I feel is real, that I am real. I have told myself over and over again it shouldn’t matter what I look like, but it does.
Add to this knowing how I felt the last time I was able to be fully myself and it has made these past months almost unbearable at times. I know, standing there as myself, I have a confidence in myself, in my thoughts, my feelings, my sense of who and what I am. I want others to see this side of me, to know the reality…
Reality. More than anything that is what I want for myself. To be able to show I am real, not just to others but myself. I want to be able to embrace that truth beyond the mists of my dreams. T walk in the daylight, to cast my shadow upon the world.
Last evening I had a chance to speak with A about this. I told her I want to go to my next therapy session full out. She agreed I should if I was comfortable doing so. This was a relief, I was worried she might object, mostly because the kids are going to see me, but we worked out a story to cover any questions. As silly as it may seem to most of us, we are going to tell them I was asked by some friends to wear my Halloween costume because they hadn’t seen it yet. Considering how they jump at any excuse to get into their own costumes, we think they will accept me doing the same.
I will admit to being a little nervous, not because people will see me as I drive to my therapists office, but because there are usually some people in the waiting area as well as one or two other therapists. I make a point of getting there a little early which means spending some time under the eyes of people I don’t know… then again, I feel the same way even when I am sitting there presenting as male, so it probably won’t be an issue at all.
I mentioned my plans to three of the people I have come out to and they have expressed confidence I would be fine and congratulated me for having the courage to take this step. It was reassuring to know they have faith in me and I am very grateful for their support.
I think it is going to be a nerve wracking and exciting few days as it comes closer to Saturday and my appointment. Already I have butterflies, but it’s a good sort of feeling. I am going to walk out into the daylight.