Fair warning, I didn’t have therapy today so I’m going to use this post as a surrogate.
Alright, this past week has been trying, confusing, upsetting, and any other adjectives you can tack on, most of which is my own fault. As I so often do, I have been overthinking things and searching for the worst possible reasons behind everything. I have said before I think things into a total mush which I then shape into something I can use to punish myself… It really is something I have to come to terms with, I’m just not sure how to do so yet.
There is also another issue, which is trying to take responsibility for the feelings of those around me. Thinking somehow it is my fault for any negative feelings anyone around me might be feeling. It is even worse when the people in question are loved ones.
This is something I spoke to A about and she pointed out a lot of this stems from my mother constantly seeking to blame me for anything and everything and making me feel as if I can never be good enough for praise of any type. I know this sounds almost Freudian, but it is also true.
I guess having lived so much of my life under a cloud of disappointment, both silent and spoken is a legacy I am still dealing with.
Then there is another issue, which she told me is all part of our “work in progress,” which is our relationship…
I mentioned before, she is not comfortable with certain things, especially referring to me as Kira because in doing so she cannot see me as her husband… Yet such is a title I have long felt didn’t describe me. Not in the sense she, or most people, think of it. I am and wish to remain, her partner. For us to continue having a meaningful relationship… I just don’t think it can be in a traditional sense of marriage… This then leaves me, in my mind at least, in a form of limbo. If I cannot claim the title of husband, nor of wife, then what am I?
I simply don’t know yet and it makes things difficult to say the least.
For A, she thinks of it in the same way as my relationship with the kids. I have told them over and over, no matter what, I am still “Dad.” I guess for her, no matter what I will be her “husband.” Unless I were to physically transition as well…
This past week I slammed on the breaks, such as it were… again. I made no effort to present as other than male. It wasn’t a matter of punishing myself, but rather, of thinking if as someone pointed out, someone was going to get hurt; I would rather it be me… After all, I’m use to living in such a manner; I’ve done so for more years than I want to remember. I honestly didn’t think of in the terms of martyrdom, just as being something which I was use to. Not surprisingly, A didn’t see it the same way. As she said, trying to be something I’m not turns me into someone she doesn’t like very much and if it happened again she was going to beat some sense into me because she wasn’t going to put up with it.
So, after our talk there was no question but I am going to continue forward. The path ahead my not be more than a fuzzy outline lost in the fog of uncertainty, yet it the path I need to take. As for how we, A and I, deal with our relationship… well, one day at a time.
It is after all, a work in progress