A Work In Progress

Fair warning, I didn’t have therapy today so I’m going to use this post as a surrogate.

 

Alright, this past week has been trying, confusing, upsetting, and any other adjectives you can tack on, most of which is my own fault. As I so often do, I have been overthinking things and searching for the worst possible reasons behind everything. I have said before I think things into a total mush which I then shape into something I can use to punish myself… It really is something I have to come to terms with, I’m just not sure how to do so yet.

There is also another issue, which is trying to take responsibility for the feelings of those around me. Thinking somehow it is my fault for any negative feelings anyone around me might be feeling. It is even worse when the people in question are loved ones.

This is something I spoke to A about and she pointed out a lot of this stems from my mother constantly seeking to blame me for anything and everything and making me feel as if I can never be good enough for praise of any type. I know this sounds almost Freudian, but it is also true.

I guess having lived so much of my life under a cloud of disappointment, both silent and spoken is a legacy I am still dealing with.

Then there is another issue, which she told me is all part of our “work in progress,” which is our relationship… 

I mentioned before, she is not comfortable with certain things, especially referring to me as Kira because in doing so she cannot see me as her husband… Yet such is a title I have long felt didn’t describe me. Not in the sense she, or most people, think of it. I am and wish to remain, her partner. For us to continue having a meaningful relationship… I just don’t think it can be in a traditional sense of marriage… This then leaves me, in my mind at least, in a form of limbo. If I cannot claim the title of husband, nor of wife, then what am I? 

I simply don’t know yet and it makes things difficult to say the least.

For A, she thinks of it in the same way as my relationship with the kids. I have told them over and over, no matter what, I am still “Dad.” I guess for her, no matter what I will be her “husband.” Unless I were to physically transition as well… 

This past week I slammed on the breaks, such as it were… again. I made no effort to present as other than male. It wasn’t a matter of punishing myself, but rather, of thinking if as someone pointed out, someone was going to get hurt; I would rather it be me… After all, I’m use to living in such a manner; I’ve done so for more years than I want to remember. I honestly didn’t think of in the terms of martyrdom, just as being something which I was use to. Not surprisingly, A didn’t see it the same way. As she said, trying to be something I’m not turns me into someone she doesn’t like very much and if it happened again she was going to beat some sense into me because she wasn’t going to put up with it.

So, after our talk there was no question but I am going to continue forward. The path ahead my not be more than a fuzzy outline lost in the fog of uncertainty, yet it the path I need to take. As for how we, A and I, deal with our relationship… well, one day at a time.

It is after all, a work in progress

11 thoughts on “A Work In Progress

  1. I can relate to the being blamed for everything bit; that lasted for me through all of my childhood and most of my marriage. But I’m much better know because I came to realize that I am worth something; and I am a strong person; and I don’t have to take the blame for everything that goes wrong, because it isn’t my fault. It isn’t yours either. You are a strong person, you are worthy. Think of it this way: do you really have so much power that you can make everything go wrong?

  2. Kira, two things. My bride has been blamed for so many things by her parents and sisters. So much so that even after being gone from her parents home for well over 20 years; anytime me and an the kids blame her for something even in jest, it starts World War III. That doesn’t go away. Another thing. You have worn many hats in this life, and you will wear many more. No matter how quickly you put on the pink Nikes and run; you cannot outrun who you were. just like how you cannot who you are. You are so many things to so many people. Sometimes they get to decide how or if that changes. Thanks for sharing.

  3. I hear you, loud and clear. I mean it. Trying to get on top of negative thinking is a biggie and advice is cheap. I can from a family with a schizophrenic brother and was rejected by association. It had a lot of dark times that really messed with my thinking. What’s helped me through the years is to see that these thoughts have a chemistry to them (negative secrete stress hormones and adrenaline – positive serotonin and endorphins). When I realized they were thoughts implanted in my head, my cells, from negative circumstances, I tried to just watch them as “thoughts” and not “truth”. I am not a thought. I am not a concept. I am not an idea. All those things do not define me. Yes, they make me feel like crap (because of the chemistry attached to them) but they are not who I am. I have the capacity to think positively and so my challenge is can I do that? It’s getting easier and easier to do so as I age and the grip the negativity has had on my psyche is lessening.

    You’re doing nothing wrong. In face, by claiming your true self, your authenticity, and courageously moving through in those steps (big and small) you’re shining a very bright light on others that speaks TOLEARNCE and LOVE. Doesn’t mean that there isn’t fallout from it, negative thoughts stirred up, but if you can see the difference between the thoughts and the heart of how you were made in the eyes of God (whatever/whoever your God is) maybe it will ease those very painful confusing times.

    For some very strong reason, not known to me, I’m drawn to you, your posts, and honestly I admire you. All of you, for who you are, struggles, thinking, all of it. Nothing but respect and admiration from this follower to you.

    I sure do hope my long diatribe might be of some help but if not, please know I’m holding you in my heart and sending you good thoughts that the steps you take bring you where you need/want to go.

    Love,
    Paulette

    1. Paulette,

      Your words have been truly helpful, there are times when it seems I am alone, even with this blog, yet you remind me I am not. Not now, not ever.

      Thank you for such a wonderful gift.

      ((((Hugs))))

      Kira

  4. Years ago, I resigned as the self-appointed keeper of the universe. I no longer expect people to behave as I would like them to. If that were to happen, they would all have to be re-born according to my specifications. I no longer do other people’s thinking for them. How can I know what their reactions will be? People surprise you. My responsibility is to monitor my own thoughts and actions to the best of my ability.That is enough of a job from day to day.

  5. The more you write about how A is dealing with your transition, the more I like her. She sounds like a sensible, smart woman who loves you enough to want what’s best for you. But remember that this is her transition, too. She’s dealing with everything right beside you, but on a different track. There’s bound to be some missteps for her that will affect you both. Keep talking, because that seems to be the way you two are going to work through this.

    And I think partner is a great word to describe what you are to each other.

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