One Day At A Time

This was a trying day to say the least, but it has ended better then I expected. My middle son came home having had a bad day in several ways and I had to help him work through it. Part of doing so involved me explaining to him just how much I understood what he was dealing with and my own experiences. It also lead to be coming out to him in all but pictures… It didn’t go well, just as I thought it would and it seemed I was going to have to make some very hard decisions… not tomorrow, today.

Let me just say, the whole reason I have resisted transitioning faster was because of A and my children. I knew from the beginning things were going to be difficult and I wanted to make things as gradual and seamless as I could… The thought of causing them more pain than I already have is something which weighs heavily on my mind every day. Now, things have reached a point where I have to decide to move forward, even knowing the distress it will cause, or to go into total lock down and wall myself off anything trans related. I know something though, doing so would eventually kill me. More than once the stress of being someone I’m not has become too much, even in those times when I didn’t understand what was happening, so odds are it would happen again and much quicker and with more devastating consequences. I was and am ready to pay such a price if it means I won’t cause more damage than I already have. I know, such talk doesn’t make any sense when you read it in black and white, but these have been and continue to be my thoughts. I never said I was logical…

When A got home she knew something had happened and we talked about it. I told her about the conversation I had with AM, (our middle son), and my reactions to it including my second thoughts about Thursday, not to mention any further progress.

Later she sat down with AM and had a talk and I guess explained things better then I did because as she told me, it went much better and he is willing to try to accept me as both Kira and dad, though she didn’t use my name… I suppose there will be time for that later… An interesting note, which is what really touched me out of all this was what AM had to say, which was,

“There are people in our neighborhood who aren’t very nice, so he will need to be careful.”

Imagine that…

I cannot tell you how thankful and appreciative I am of A for what she did. I won’t say I know how hard this was for her because I cannot walk in her shoes, but I do know it hasn’t been easy for her.

I don’t know what happens next, all I can do is take this one day at a time, but for now, those days will be spent looking forward and not standing in place.

11 thoughts on “One Day At A Time

  1. The days will be hard but will get better and if most of the cloudy days end up with that little ray of sunshine like today did, then you will get there no matter how long it takes and how painful the journey. Be encouraged that AM still cares for you. When my eldest son discovered me and i tried to explain, badly I might add, i felt enormous relief when he said “You are still and will always be my dad no matter what!” I hold on to those words.

  2. “There are people in our neighborhood who aren’t very nice, so he will need to be careful.” Kids are very perceptive. My own said something similar, about my father no less.

    My (then) wife discussed my transition with out kids too, and that really seemed to help them process what was going on.

    I continue to hope that things will turn out well for you!

    -Connie

  3. Hi Kira,
    I don’t know you, but I stumbled on your post in my WordPress Reader, and I was very touched. I also have a gender identity different than my birth sex, and I have spent a lot of time over the last several years trying to figure out exactly how that fits into my life, and into the life of my daughter. For a long time I worried that coming out – that trying to transition – would have an immense, negative impact on her life and our relationship. After years of therapy, much of that guilt has faded, but I still haven’t had the conversation with her. Fear and circumstance has kept me from moving forward. So I am so happy to see people like you taking steps in the right direction. Good for you!
    Have a great Halloween.

  4. Life is just so complicated….if it were only ourselves, we can live with that, but when it comes to our children, their acceptance, and also their safety….it gets hard. One day at a time does sound like a plan…and you are, so far as I can see edging forward as fast as you can.,…x

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